I'd like feedback on this.

-

The blood of millions stains my hands. I cannot go on with this great burden of responsibility upon my shoulders. Today is the day I end my torment.

I gaze over the edge of the precipice upon which I stand. Down below, I see nothing but darkness, for I am at the mouth of a gaping monstrosity, caused by none other than myself; it was I who ordered the launch of a salvo of intercontinental ballistic missiles armed with nuclear warheads that shattered the world and brought forth nuclear winter. The fissure at my feet is fathomless - there will be a long time for me to contemplate before I perish.

I throw myself over and plunge into the abyss that awaits me. I quickly reach terminal velocity.

I close my eyes and the millions of faces of those I have murdered flash in my mind. No tears come to my eyes, but they would have made my fall more bearable. My guilt, even now, gnaws at my heart as if seeking to devour it before it is smashed to a pulp by the incoming bottom. Its appetite is as endless as my descent and it is as fierce as the umbra around me is dark. Shadows wreathe me like flames, setting fire to my regret. My spirit is immolated and soon my body shall be pulverized by the Earth I have destroyed. There is no salvation for me, no light at the end of the tunnel, just as there is no light in the maw of the world.

Time passes and yet still I live. When shall this end? The faces of the still living now look down upon me, condemning me, just as I have condemned myself to death. Former friends turn their backs to me, while my enemies spit on my grave. I laugh; my imagination is ripping me to shreds. At the very least, when my punishment is complete, I will be dead. But until then, I must endure the unending agony; my very soul is wracked with pain. I writhe in utmost anguish - no other human suffering can match that which now attempts to obliterate me.

Decadent I am, for desperate was my act. There were likely other options, yet I did not recognize them in time. Now, I am forced to face the consequences. Never would I have foreseen my fate - truly, I am short-sighted. Had I known this would occur, would I have still given the order? Would I be falling to my demise this very moment? Or would things have been different? Questions, questions, all of which are now meaningless to me.

There is but one fate that now awaits me: dea

You should complete the last word; the cut-off doesn't fit with the rest of the writing, and (to me) it is a more comical ending than a serious one. That being said, had you completed the last sentence, it seems weaker than the rest of the short. Did you plan this cut-off ending since the beginning of writing this?

Also, and this is just me nitpicking, I noticed the third paragraph rhymed, which felt out-of-place to me. I went back and checked to see if it was written to rhyme before continuing.

You made good word choices, though. It really described the scenario well.

I don't like the ending, too gimmicky. Plus everyone has the same fate, so it's unnecessary to state it, even partially. We all know what it is. If nothing else, I'd leave out the last word completely and end the sentence with a period.

A few things feel out of place. Also a few positive comments strewn about.

"terminal velocity" is a technical term and it would be a stretch to use in a thing that is meant to be poetic. Also it feels juttery, it doesn't flow with the sentence, it is like "I have a dog. My dog is named steve. I dropped him off a cliff. He quickly reached terminal velocity"

"enemies spit on my grave" doesn't make sense in a literal sense (which is important) because you aren't dead.

"My spirit is immolated and soon my body shall be pulverized by the Earth I have destroyed" was a good line

"for I am at the mouth of a gaping monstrosity, caused by none other than myself" Underlined is a cliche. Also awkward.

"this great burden of responsibility upon my shoulders. " Cliche. Also awkwardly worded in the entire line.

"it was I who ordered the launch of a salvo of intercontinental ballistic missiles armed with nuclear warheads that shattered the world and brought forth nuclear winter." Too wordy, feels awkward.

"fissure at my feet is fathomless" GREAT alliteration , though I don't know if one can quite use the word fathomless, I believe it is unfathomable

"there will be a long time for me to contemplate before I perish." I think this is an unclear referent. It sounds like you are contemplating the long time that you will have. As opposed to recognizing that you will have a long time to contemplate something. Fix it.

"No tears come to my eyes, but they would have made my fall more bearable." Why would it make it bearable?

"smashed to a pulp by the incoming bottom" I'm uncertain about the word choice. It COULD be done but idk..

"There is no salvation for me, no light at the end of the tunnel, just as there is no light in the maw of the world." Was about to say cliche but it really completes the analogy. Nice one!

"The faces of the still living now look down upon me, condemning me, just as I have condemned myself to death. " The faces of the still living? As in those who are currently alive? Awkward.

"At the very least, when my punishment is complete, I will be dead." Not a complaint but I feel like this sentence should be an pivotal point with a very flowery word used instead of "dead" to create emphasis. It also seems pretty boring. It also kinda suddenly stops instead of flowing into the next sentence.

"But until then, I must endure the unending agony; my very soul is wracked with pain." Improper word usage. Racked and wracked have similar meaning but there is subtle nuance between them. Racked seems more appropriate because it deals with torture.

"I writhe in utmost anguish - no other human suffering can match that which now attempts to obliterate me." Utmost? Is that correct word usage?

"Decadent I am, for desperate was my act." Decadent as in lavish or decadent as in decay?

I think that's about it.

Post has been edited 2 time(s), last time on Jul 23 2011, 2:31 am by TiKels.

Hated it. Makes no sense how someone with such overwhelming empathy could do what he hates himself for in the first place. There was no evolution, and being short isn't an excuse. He started off hating himself for something he'd done, and it ended the same way.

Also, I believe you used decadent wrong.

You're capable of good stuff, but this is the worst you've done so far. Keep it up though, we really need more activity in this sub-forum.

I meant for this to be hilarious because of how melodramatic it is.

I don't think I actually write much with "evolution" in it, as much as I want to. Whenever I get anywhere in something long, I seem to give up on it.

But I'll keep trying. NEVER SURRENDER.

EDIT:

How do I use "decadent" properly? Isn't it just another adjective? Am I supposed to use it to describe acts?

Post has been edited 3 time(s), last time on Jul 24 2011, 5:12 pm by Sand Wraith.

Decadent means something that is decaying, or it can mean something that is lavish. I had to look up the first definition. But either way it seems wrong because there is nothing that seems to... well "Decadent I am, for desperate was my act." You are decaying because your act was desperate?

I pointed that out in my textwall. Also you should read my textwall, I actually have legitimate criticisms for each point that I made, I wasn't just being an asshole. You can improve your writing that way.

I did read your comments, I'm just not sure what to do with them because I actually like a lot of the points you said were negative, or I disagree with some points. I'll probably make a revised version though.

E.g. terminal velocity. Aside from the rhyme, I like it, especially when I read it aloud to myself. I mean, this whole piece is just something you/re supposed to read aloud with the most dramatic voice you can. I'd post an audio recording of myself reading it if I didn't mess up so many times.

I also like the "enemies spit on my grave" bit, and in the sentence after, it is implied he was only imagining it.

A few cliches are used because this was supposed to be funny.

I might change the ICBMs.

There are other things, but I'm not going to comment on them. I'll either add them or not to the revision.

-

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/decadent
I'm using sense 1.

-

EDIT:

BTW, I'm reading all of the comments and I appreciate them. I might make a revised version with the changes I feel are necessary.

I don't think you accomplished this goal. For comparison, see how Leeroy made THE SADDEST MAP ON SC (although I assume you've already seen it). Your writing definitely did not spark a chuckle from me, and even looking back expecting it to be a joke, I don't see the humor.

I did say it was a bit comical the way you ended it, but I also said it didn't fit well with the rest of the piece.

Yea, I realize that, but I was able to get my local library's writers' club to laugh, so unless they were just being nice, I feel like I've done a decent job. It might be because I'm not in front of you, narrating and gesturing, that it's not funny.

You'll have to excuse my doubt.

It might really just be because they were trying to be nice, but that'd be worse than trying to be nice.

I thought you were actually trying to write seriously because you tend to portray yourself as melodramatic. Cliches are understandable with that context, as well as the piece in general.