The only person I ever talk to in person in terms of friends is HKS who I see about once every year. I don't have a 'need' for communication. The internet is more than enough for any such thing.

I have no need to find anyone "compatible". I can handle things myself once I gather enough information. Then I just need time. A lot of time. (There is no one compatible, anyway. Such a thing is impossible for someone so deep into the shithole like I am.)

After digging through the aforementioned link it seems a high probability I have some form of schizophrenia. But I can't find absolute specific information on the symptoms and only summaries. So no true conclusion can be made yet. But it seems more likely than bipolar.

Get thee to a library.
It shouldn't be difficult to get books on Psychology.

http://www.chovil.com/ Hopefully this link will be of some help.


That would require Mesk to go outside and possibly interact with other people. Not good.

You said, that your motivation have dropped down. That means that even if it is hard but you could remember something which gave motivation for you.

Yes, I know what you're trying to say. That's one thing I've been trying to look for. Something that would give inspiration and motivation to go on. I haven't been able to find or remember anything, though.

I'll check out that site as well. Thanks.

Looking for help/answers is a sign of motivation, or at least one step in the right direction. By coming here you are at least making some sort of effort.

I'd just try to forgive/accept people more. I find the faults in everything/one as you probably do, but I taught myself to look passed shortcomings. For instance, all the nerdy 1337 crap I find retarded to no end (and on the internet there's no short supply), but I don't condemn anyone for it. And even a dumb thing like my little sister practicing the piano annoying me, I just overcome this by looking through her eyes. She just has to practice and has no obligation to keep me in comfort. Its not like shes trying to annoy me, she just wants to get better.

Blah, I find it frustrating to talk to people who consider themselves unredeemable and passed hope. If its a mental dilemma you could get out of it at any moment of any day. All you really have to do is consider how pointless hate/depression/anger/selfpity is.

I'm not sure if it has been mentioned yet, but have you had an MRI scan done to check if you have a brain tumour or have suffered a stroke as a result of your high blood pressure? It does seem that all these symptoms could be related and I'm really sorry that you're having to go through them. What medication (if any) have you been prescribed, and are you taking them consistently? I have depression and if I miss one or two doses of medication then my symptoms return, starting with a foggy kind of feeling in my head, then progressing to mood swings, violent outbursts and eventually even worse stuff. Try to co-operate with your doctors and see if you can manipulate them towards considering that you may have schizophrenia (doctors are easy enough to manipulate if you're clever enough).

I've had two minor heart attacks that I can remember but I don't care enough to mug the billions of bums it would require to acquire the money to pay for an MRI. I take no medication and don't plan to start. The only weapon I can rely on is my own mind and the strength of willpower, however small it may be.

I have no doctors so eh. As it has always been, it's up to me to figure things out and fight the good fight.

I'm pretty sure it is schizophrenia I have. If it isn't, it's something much more serious. My new research defeats the prospect of bipolar and autism isn't nearly capable of doing anything of this nature. After reading the suggested sites thoroughly and comparing their data with my own, I realize that I have a very classical case of gradual onset. If this is indeed true, then the psychosis I get is nothing compared to what I'm going to be suffering in a year.

So it's a race. A race to learn everything I can learn and hope to the non-existent gods that SC2 delivers a platform that no game has yet to deliver in terms of modding, so I can finish AO2 asap and then die happy knowing I actually finished something for a change.

Else it's all for nothing, because I know I can't defeat this. I don't have much reason to defeat it, though. Even if I could cure all of this and walk away, what would I get out of it? I don't have anything to live for, honestly. I've already done all that can be done within the limits of my power.

You may can try to help people similar to you.

I'll pass.

Actually meant to post this a few days ago, buuut I forgot, and then forgot, and then got caught up in other shit, etc. Bleh.

Anyway, I noticed your article about how music helped your state of mind, even if it's to a much lesser degree nowadays, and I thought that this link might help out some. Literally hundreds, possibly thousands, of hours of listening by independant artists, in any genre imaginable. Silly thought, but I thought that the reduced effect of music on you might've been caused by a lack of fresh material. A couple artists I'd recommend, just for starters: MaestroRage, ParagonX9, and cornandbeans.

Just try and take it easy; I'm sure you can beat this. You're a good guy, and arguably (as in, I fucking dare someone to contest it) one of(?) the best modders we have. We'd hate to lose ye.

My brothers girlfriend has skitzo-frenia however its spelled. She writes letters to herself saying she hates herself (or one of the voices you described) I want you to live, go to a doctor. I understand your faith in people issue, but you don't know how a doctor can help. You don't know whats in store for you so just make the trip before its too late.

Some of that music is actually pretty awesome. Thanks for the link. Perhaps a reason to try to find a cd that isn't garbage and burn something new to listen to when sleeping.

I do find a lot of good music, though. My soundtrack archive is constantly growing.

As for losing, well I don't really mod anymore, so you've pretty much lost me already.

lol, I used to take meds. >.> I just stopped and actually saw myself get better. I also see the same thing with my asthma: the more I use an inhaler, the more I need it.

Not quite. You are still an invaluable resource. You have loads of experience and knowledge about modding and iscript.

Try homeopathy. It saved me from asthma.

Eh. I just lay down and relax. Then if it is really bothering me, I use my inhaler as a last resort. Right now it is empty, so I'd just be inhaling propellant. >.>

well to me it sounds like schizophrenia and possibly depression and maybe Aspergers syndrome or HFA(high functioning Autism) though the likelyhood decreases in the order i listed them, it appears you are from canada so if you havent already checked it out the Schizophrenia Society of Canada would be a good place to browse. as listed on the SSoC site, a brief description of Schizophrenia "The illness is characterized by delusions, hallucinations, disturbances in thinking and withdrawal from social activity." which sounds really close to whats happening to you, ithink it's a good chance you have schizophrenia. A list of early signs of the disorder include • Withdrawal from activities and social contacts
• Irrational, angry, or fearful responses to friends and family
• Sleep disturbances
• Deterioration in studies or work
• Inappropriate use of language—words do not make sense
• Sudden excesses, such as extreme religiosity, extreme activity
• Deterioration in personal hygiene
• Difficulty controlling thoughts, difficulty concentrating
• Hearing voices or sounds others don’t hear
• Seeing people or things others don’t see
• A constant feeling of being watched
• Inability to turn off the imagination, delusions, off-the-wall ideas
• Mood swings, increased anxiety
• Somatic symptoms: weakness, pains, bizarre body sensations
many you seem to be experiencing, im sorry to tell you this but without medical stabalization schizophrenia only worsens... Here is a link to the page of the SSoC which lists location information and contact information for various branches of the society where hopefully you can meet people who can help you better and understand more of whats likely going on with you Schizophrenia Society of Canada - Societies page

I've been doing research on the "help" they give. The drugs only help the psychosis and not the more immediate effects that are driving me nuts. They are very expensive, and can have severe side effects, including diabetes and worse. Which is to assume the drugs help the psychosis in the first place; they have a very random and unreliable functionality. I am not yet suffering severe enough psychosis to warrant real worry about that particular attribute. When it gets bad enough I'll probably just step in front of one of the trains that come around here.

Aspergers and Autism were the old presumptions made by the government without any research or factual knowledge on what exactly I was suffering, and at so young an age I had no common sense anyway. I have a lot of attributes that really defeat those theories. For example... Autistic people are generally incapable of social activity due to difficulty in reading or understand people and emotions. I am the complete opposite, but I choose not to socialize because I absolutely hate people. I can talk over the internet because, it's the internet. I can turn it off if I want to. I can think things through. I can choose to respond not to respond. With people in person, I get extremely aggravated very, very quickly because their stupidity tends to drive me up the wall.

Now the heat is rising again... Today was 100 degrees again with maximum humidity. Can't afford air conditioning and fans don't really help. This is the last thing I need; more stress.

Just try to keep taking your medicine because I know someone who gets pretty messed up when they stop taking it. It may make you tired, but it does you alot of good. A person I know says it makes them really dreary all day, but you can get really messed up if you disconinue using it. Remeber to think about your family/friends if you want to stop taking your medicine.

Mesk doesn't take medication and family probably won't help at all.