I actually recently got second place in a local talent show, got alot of compliments and questions about CDs from people who've been playing guitar/etc. for over 20 years, some of whom I actually beat, and an offer to do some recording for free from a guy in the contest who has a home studio. So, random nerds on the internets? Hahaha! But in all seriousness, here are my song lyrics, like'em or not. Most of this music comes from some pretty painful places.

Song No. 1
(Tentatively titled "Beauty Is Fleeting (Among the Lilacs)")
He's got big brutish hands
Like achilles reaching for a lightbulb
with his heels
He's got an empty space
Behind his face
That no one else ever feels

Ain't that a bitch
Can't touch the itch
I don't want anyone
To say "I love you"
If you can't prove it to me

Most of his sparkle he derives
From reflections in other people's lives
He's a dull plate
The dumb bastard gets what he deserves

Ain't that a bitch
Can't touch the itch
I don't want anyone
To say "I love you"
If you can't prove it to me

Illusions that can petrify
Reflect in his blue eyes
Beauty is fleeting among the lilacs
Searches for some lover's trip
Finds no joy in the wines that he's sipped
And no one ever feels that hole

Ain't that a bitch
Can't touch the itch
I don't want anyone
To say "I love you"
If you can't prove it to me


Song No. 2
"I Am A Boy" or some such title...
I am a boy,
No one can change me
Even though I want so bad to be changed
I am a boy
Soft gold and silver
Silver-blue in your hands

I am a boy, wish that I wasn't
Wish that the wish
Would go away

I am a boy, a glass thing that needs
Destroyed

I am so easily shaped
Why can't it take on another
Shine?
Just reconfiguration
Of same steel problem
I want to blend into the night

Saturn is in your sphere
Mars in your eyes
These Latin allusions
So out of touch with the
Times

You aren't interested
No fault of yours, only
Mine

I am a boy, testorone determines
Branded with a Y chromosone

I am a boy, no one can change it
Even me when I want to
So bad


Song No. 3
This one is a bit of a rip off Nirvana really, my first "grunge" attempt and still needs alot of revision... I think it's kinda lame still...
And if you kill yourself then
You would be so happy
And if you kill yourself then
You'll watch them get so angry

And if I kill myself then
I would be so happy
And if I kill myself then
I'll watch them get so angry

I would paralyze
Situation with suicide
With the taste of an aborticide
Within the lines of my lips

It's so solid
It's so dumb
Your mother told you it would hurt
And now you're longing for the dirt
But I should always be so happy

And if you buy a dress then
You would be so happy
And if you buy a dress then
You'll watch them get so angry

And if I buy a dress then
I would be so happy
And if I buy a dress then
I'll watch myself get so angry

I will metastasize
Into my throat and eyes
Transgender dreams denied
I would break of the spin of the top I'm in
To get by

It's so solid
It's so dumb
Your mother told you it would hurt
And now you're longing for the dirt
But I should always be so happy

And if I buy a dress then
I would be so happy
And if I buy a dress then
I'll watch myself get so angry

Well, there you go... I'm personally not really willing to edit the first two much more. I am very satisfied with what they say and how it's said, and everyone I've played them for has liked them (so far as I know, I did the second song in the final round of the talent show).

Do you have recordings? ;o

Since you don't really want good feedback, I won't go in-depth. Maybe I'll get into detailed opinions on the songs at some point. Overall I like them, they have a defined voice and some good lines and all.


Well do you care what other people think or don't you? You don't want more input on them (well, 'aren't willing to edit them' - same thing), partly because everyone has liked it so far, yet i fail to see how that means they couldn't get better. Meh.

Yes. I am working on a CD release and will be (attemting) recording at someone's home studio for free this Wednesday. I have recordings of the first two songs done, but I will probably rerecord both.


I meant to say I don't really care, not "don't say it". I was really looking for critique on the third song anyways... oh well, whatever, just kinda wanted to share it more than read people searching for weaknesses.

Alright I've decided to get back to this and offer some opinions. Some of the lines from the first song i found particularly memorable which has kept coming back to this thread as something I've wanted to do. You don't really need much 'help' but maybe I can offer a few things and we'll both get something out of it.


I love these lines a lot. Strong strong imagery with simple simple language. Just the unusual nature of the metaphor... grabbing for a lightbulb with the heels strikes me a lot. And i really like the use of the word 'brutish' too.


I like this part too. Though i would consider changing the third line here to 'that no one ever feels'. 'else' might seem like a detail that is self-obvious. If it's an 'empty space' then i feel like not even the subject we're talking about would feel it... because that's kind of the nature of 'emptiness'. Idk, i'm kind of thinking outloud here and starting to ramble.


I like this idea a lot too. This is very emotional and personal that is being dealt with here and i feel it translates well. I would just say that if you're going to use "anyone" you should use "they" or "he/she" in the third line (preferably they). Otherwise the language is a little awkward. Of you could use 'you' in the first line and the third line and that would also work. The only way i see it completely making sense now is if this "you" is acting as some type of god figure. In which case I'd capitalize the 'you' (even though this isn't poetry) so that it comes across.

I'll get back to this later... gotta go get a haircut.

I like this part too. Especially "He's a dull plate."


Pretty good. I would just say that i feel like you use 'he' and 'his' a lot and sometimes it might be better to cutdown on the redundant pronouns and such that the lines sometimes get a bit stuffed with. This might be better as "Illusions that can petrify / Reflect in two blue eyes". I'm also not a fan of 'can petrify'. I feel it might be stronger as "Illusions that will petrify" or "Illusions always petrify / To reflect in his blue eyes".


Love this line. (i'll also note that i just love the word 'lilacs')


It bothers me that you use 'searches' and 'finds' without a clear subject to start. Though I can assume it would be 'he'. I would like it better as 'searching for some lover's trip (though i would probably change 'some' to 'a') / finding no joy in the wines that he's sipped'. I do particularly like the second line tho.


I dislike this line. It seems tacked on here. I also in general dislike the use of the word 'feel' - it's somewhat vague. The whole line is just too vague here. Something like "And (remembering that) no one is aware of that empty space / That he's been trying to fill" would be better. Though that second line i put there isn't necessary i s'pose.

I'll get to the other songs soon.

Alright, I really like the second song. It's hard to really critique it at all given its nature. It's just so raw. And I like it that way.

I'll try to help with the third song now, I s'pose.


I'm not sure about these too stanzas. It comes off really angsty kind of. I like the idea of watching the people get so angry from beyond the grave. I think that idea is cool... but it's just so morbid and plainly stated otherwise that I can't say i'm really a fan of it. Though I do think I like the use of both 'you' and 'i'.


I would include the article for situation. But maybe this is just your style. I would change the last line here to "Within my lips' lines" if you keep the rest of the stanza the same. I would also consider putting a period after suicide (just having that thought complete there) and then going "And the taste of an aborticide / Resting (or any verb) in/on the lines of my lips".

I'm not really a big fan of this stanza. I feel like the words don't all fit the meaning you're looking for. Probably because of the way it got taken over by the rhyming. I'm not sure 'paralyze' is at all the best word. I'm not sure 'taste' is either. Suggestion/brain storm:

"I would neutralize
The situation with suicide
Then the remnants of an aborticide
Would rest casually on my tongue
That god wrongly designed"


I don't like "It's so solid / It's so dumb". Way too vague. I would be more specific in this instance. Something like "I'm so solid" (side note: I'm not sure present tense is appropriate here) or "The body's so solid" or "The world's so solid". I like the word choice of 'dumb' but it's hard to apply to anything here. I also dislike lines 3 and 4 of this stanza. Very... average. It doesn't provoke any emotion cause the rhyme is too simple as well as the ideas. It just seems done.

However, i really like the last line of this stanza. I would definitely try to highlight it more. It's very emotional/raw and really adds a lot to the overall makeup of the song.


I'm not sure I like the use of 'into' here, though I like the word 'metastasize' a lot. I might have it as 'I will metastasize / Through my throat and eyes" or "Completely metastasized / All about my throat and eyes." I'm unsure what I think about the line 'Transgender dreams denied'. I think it might be too literal and plainly stating the point that the song is getting to. The rhyme fits well, and even in a vacuum, it sounds nice, but i would probably cut it out. The verse with the dress says it well enough i think and much better.


In general, I like this verse. (though I like it better with 'you'll watch...') But instead of keeping a parallel structure with the last line i would probably change it to 'And if a buy a dress then / I would get so angry'. O, that reminds me. I might not use the word 'get' so much. Though it didn't really strike me at first so it's not a big deal. I might use 'become' instead. But it probably depends on how the song sounds and what fits.

The idea of the third song is it's actually mocking the thoughts of depression: If you kill yourself you won't be happy, you'll just dead. If you kill yourself, you won't watch them get angry, YOU'LL BE DEAD.

I'm very unsure about that song in general though, the melody of one of the parts isn't very original and the chorus flat-out sucks. I'm not really sure what I want to do with it, but the "it's so solid" is that death is a solid, insurmountable thing, you are either dead or you aren't, and you're not going to get the privilege of watching the results. But yeah, it's actually kind of hard for me to write "rock music" because it gives in so easily to idiotic lyrics.

Yeah, I see your point about idiotic lyrics. But I think you can work around it. And you cleared up the other things well.

Like Farty said, care to post any recordings?