Due to the efforts of the SWAT team, the giant rubber chicken was finnally brought down.
And now, to today's top story.
CHICAGO -- Militant Atheists attack Christian canning coalition with wooden spoons, AP sources reported.
Eyewitnesses described the attack as "ugly," "ferocious" and "extremely annoying." Sometime in the late hours of Saturday evening, seven wooden spoon wielding men reportedly ran up to the Christians, who had been canning on the corner of Oak and Elm for the upcoming "Give your money to God" event, and were smacked around viciously by the armed Aetheists. The assailants then fled the scene, reportedly screaming "Gee Gee noobs" and "Hugh Hefner is my true savior!"
Two of the Christians suffered large bruises to the forarms and cheek, and a third got a splinter from the incident.
"There were seven of them and one carried a sign that said 'Aetheists rule, Christians drool' " said Nancy Inyapancy, an insufferable old hag who witnessed the entirety of the crime from her front porch. "They tried defending themselves with bibles and long speeches about obscure moralities, but they were no match for the wooden spoons."
A second eyewitness, Jack Offigen, said "These hooligans have been terrorizing our neighborhood for years. First it was the public DOTA matches, then they'd eat up all the bandwidth in the area downloading porn, and you can always hear them running around complaining about their WoW characters, how so-and-so didn't cast something at the right time and what not. When they attacked, it was terrible. The canners thought they were done for and started yelling like little girls, things like 'why wont the power of christ compel them,' and 'please, have a free bible.' It was terrible, terrible. One fellow tripped and fell to the ground, and they got him hard. He's lucky to be alive."
That man remains in critical condition at his mother's house where she promptly kissed his bruise and told him Jesus will make it all go away. The man with the splinter was rushed to Saint Georges Medical Center, where three nuns gave him twelve smacks with a ruler for bad grammar. He also remains in critical condition, though sources in the AP reported the twelve smacks made him feel "more at home." The remaining canners are all in stable condition, and will be giving all their money to the church for the miracle of having survived the attack, after having been told by Father Pansy it was because God saved them.
Abel Toreport, one of the victimized Christians, was able to report his account of the scene to the AP.
"Well, we were standing there with our cans when all of a sudden these stupid little geeks ran up to us, and started yelling nonsense like 'My level 46 Warlock owns your God' and 'All Jesus' base are belong to me' and stuff like that. So you know, we were going to just ignore them, and Father Bubba started telling them how video games are actually part of the devil's plan, then all of a sudden they pulled out the spoons on us, we were so shocked we didn't know what to do. It was terrible, they started with Father Bubba and smacked him three or four times, then they came after me" The recounting of the terror became too much for Abel at this point in the tale.
In the official police report released Sunday, the police called for a 'reigning in' of these militant Aetheists. One officer commented "With their snide comments and unbending egotistic arrogance, these Aetheists have to be taken off the street, especially if they have access to wooden spoons. Just imagine what would have happened if they had had rolling pins or forks." Police Commissioner Bill Loney stated "We will be cracking down on anyone possessing wooden spoons illegally. It's an oversight which has gone on too long, that anyone can just get a wooden spoon. With their reputation for refusing to even consider another person's point of view, and the high availability of wooden spoons who knows what these Aetheists could do. Such a weapon in the hands of these people, could ruin many lives. We will do everything in our power to put a stop to this, including lighting the bat signal every night just in case."
These tragic events even gained recognition at the Congressional level, providing a spark to the ever present debate over wooden spoon laws.
"Higher wooden spoon regulation is clearly needed. Look what's happening on our streets!" Remarked respected congressman E. Ville (D- U.S. Moon Colony). The Republicans fired back, claiming that if the Christians had had easy legal access to wooden spoons, they could have prevented the attack themselves. "Having wooden spoons is not a privelege, it's a right." claimed Fanny O'Rear (R- Ontario) "how many italian chefs would be put out of business if they weren't allowed to serve their spaghetti with wooden spoons? How would the average housewife defend herself from burglars?"
According to late reports, the Aetheists may have left some clues behind as to their whereabouts in the form of a large weiner drawn on the face of a picture of Jesus left at the scene of the assault. Police are asking anyone with knowledge of someone who may have drawn a weiner on Jesus's face to come forward, in return for a 500 dollar reward.
None.
CecilSunkure
