So I decided to give this a serious answer to the "Are you in Love?" topic over in Null and kind of vent what I am going through at the moment. Ended up typing out a lot more than I thought, so figured that maybe I should have people that I have never met but kind of know me, pick this apart. Having a diverse community also kinda helps me feel better about it than just dumping it with a throwaway on one of the relationship issue subreddits over on reddit. Ending up throwing it into Lite for a little more serious discussion.

As long as I can remember, I have had a very obsessive personality when it comes to relationships. Now don't get me wrong, not going around with an altar of personal affects or some crazy shit. It's just a very high level of infatuation and that I cannot get a good woman out of my head. So far, this has only happened four times. Once with my ex-fiance, another with a woman who worked at an airport, this woman who had an affair with me, and a woman that I had just dated recently. Now I have dated and had flings with a lot more than that, but these four stand out in the sense that I actually gave a fuck. A little too many fucks if you ask me and I consciously know that this is extremely unhealthy.

Right now with the latest woman, I cannot get her out of my head. She was actually pretty good with picking up on subtle vibes and behaviors, kind of calling me out when I gave little lies about things. Nothing big, but stuff that she just said, "You are probably making a big deal out of things that, for all you know, I could probably care less about. Just tell me." That kind of thing and it was really nice to be open with someone. We ended up seeing each other every other night and I would stay at her place, obviously you can fill in any blanks. Now note that we were only together for a little less than a month before she kind of picked up on how infatuated I was getting, then promptly stopped talking to me for about 8 days before I squeezed the answer of why out of her: "I got the feeling you were getting a little too attached and I only want a healthy relationship right now."

This makes me want her even more, on top of she has all of the values I have ever wanted out of a woman. Now it's getting worse than it ever has before, I just cannot get this woman out of my mind. So I text her every week, offering to go to dinner. After four times, she said, "You really don't give up do you? I'll think about it. Now is just not a good time, I resigned from my job today." She sent no more texts since then and I am patiently waiting, if you look from the outside anyway...

Now comes the crazy obsessive part: I have found her on two dating sites, she is actively on them, worried that she will meet someone better, actively think about just passing by her house to see if she has the only car there, I keep myself from doing that through reason alone... I am constantly fucking thinking about her, it's driving me insane. Fuck therapy, been there for other crap, shit doesn't help. Honestly I think it's even starting to affect my health, I have had diarrhea since a few days after we broke apart, my stomach is constantly aching and feels like there is knots everywhere. Finding myself feeling ridiculously lonely and just using other women to sleep with them trying to get my mind off her. If it gets really bad and this starts to get dark, I definitely will seek some professional help, but holy fuck is this getting to me.

I can accept a little humor on the topic, but please don't fuck with me on this. You should all know that I have always been a pretty easy-going guy that has a dark sense of humor at times, but this is by far my biggest flaw/fear/problem. Even all of my friends usually associate me with a jokester, overconfident, lady killing, carefree... whore. This is totally unlike me and this feeling doesn't feel like what I would imagine other people see as love. Especially with how quickly it sets in, just feels like "obsessive infatuation," but it only sets in with women that I end up liking and want to actually date. Nothing comes even close to this. If you guys need any more clarification on a certain part of this or additional information, such as on the other women, I can give that. Just no names or anything in that general vicinity, topic is merely about me.

Post has been edited 2 time(s), last time on Aug 11 2014, 1:40 am by LoveLess.

I can actually relate to a lot of this... Just not on a as serious level, but still there. I can't help being a bit obsessive, especially for girls I really like... And for anybody I never want to lose, because it'd be hard to replace them. Also, I don't believe in therapy... Never helped me, never will. Hopefully shit goes good for you. Hopefully.

Edit: I've decided to delete post, since this is over and it had some information that should of stay private or that turned alot different. End of story, grats Loveless!

Post has been edited 1 time(s), last time on Aug 25 2014, 4:12 am by sakuckoinvius.

Back off. Now. I don't think this is a matter of her wanting to be hunted.

I'll be honest obsessive types are the worst. It is something that actively destroys relationships - not just romantic ones, but friendships too. I've noticed a lot of obsessive types have a hunter mentality - they always think that the object of their desires wants them to be pursue them. Or catch them. And then they get so proud when they pretty much beat that person into submission. (That doesn't just go for people; I've ended friendships with people over obsessions about other things too - tv shows, hobbies, or beliefs. I'm not talking about someone who watches a show religiously, gets involved with the fanbase, keeps up with news. I mean people who go balls-to-the-wall-this-is-now-what-defines-them as a person. It's all the talk about, all they spend money and time on. It is the most unattractive thing ever.)

Not only that, but when people have gotten obsessive about me it freaks me the fuck out. Even before I was happily engaged, when I was looking for a boyfriend or whatever. It isn't until very recently I was comfortable with shooting people down point blank. In your case, she said "You really don't give up do you?" and "Now is not a good time..." both phrases I've used. Anything you are say or do to her now should be a personal attack on her - in the form of mental or emotional abuse. "I know you told me to back off, but I know better." That's what you're saying. You are telling her you know her better than she knows herself. The fact that you had to egg information out of her as to why she cut off contact is a terrible sign too. And it isn't good that you're afraid she's going to find someone else - that's the emotional abuse. Tell me this - what if you find out she gets a boyfriend? Or what if she goes out for so much as a drink with another guy? What is your reaction going to be? If it is anything more than "fleeting jealousy" you need to stay away. Permanently.

Fine, you don't want to get therapy. You recognize you're obsessive. In those situations you need to remove yourself from the situation. You need to be a big enough person to say to yourself that you care about them too much to subject them to a disorder that you feel is incurable.

You might even explain it to her, in ONE email/text/IM. "Hey I've been thinking a lot and I'm going to respect your wishes and back off. If you'd like to meet up and get a drink sometime I'll leave the ball in your court. Just shoot me a message and we'll come up with a time." You can even add in there something about wanting to date her in the future, or whatever. Just make sure she knows she has a say in this too.

And then radio silence until she is comfortable initiating conversation.

I'm sure this is not going to be a popular opinion, but you are inches away from this becoming a harrassment/stalking incident if you keep pursuing her against her wishes.

Post has been edited 2 time(s), last time on Aug 11 2014, 5:33 am by Fire_Kame.

Yeah, I would say this is understated. It seems that being "unreasonably confident" is a large part of your issue here.

It should be pointed out, while you were trying to make sure everyone believes you're not desperate out of necessity, you never actually asked a question of any kind. Are you looking for advice on how to get over her, or how to cope with your issues, or how to get with her, or are you just randomly venting and hoping something sticks?

I think the correct answer to all these things is "you shouldn't be". This sounds incredibly disturbing, way beyond merely "clingy" or "needy" or "desperate". Even "obsessive" might be an understatement. I half-expect someone to get on your account tomorrow to inform us that you killed yourself in a murder-suicide after breaking into her house and killing her and her boyfriend.

She said she doesn't want you around because you're basically a creepy obsessive stalker, and she's right to do so. She has a right to not date any pathetic loser she doesn't want to, and you should respect that, and respect her. There are 3 billion other women out there: this one isn't interested, so get over her and get over yourself, and find a new target to latch onto.

I'm sure eventually you'll find some girl who has enough issues of her own that she'll somehow manage to deal with your problems on a daily basis, so until then, just keep looking.

In the meantime, you should clear your browser history of everything related to this girl: Facebook, other social networking pages, dating profiles, etc. Like, right now. And then stop driving by her house. Stop texting her. If she hasn't completely written you off as a dangerous psychopath already, she might actually text you at some point in the future to give you another shot. As it stands, your attempted advances are just ruining any chance you might have otherwise had with her.

On a side note, if therapy didn't work in the past, maybe it's because you didn't give it a chance. Or just didn't see the right person. Generally, therapy will never work for someone who has decided that that "shit doesn't help". It's not supposed to be an instant gratification kind of thing. Either way, I'd recommend trying it again, because you obviously need it; see a female psychiatrist, then you can save yourself some time by stalking and getting therapy from the same person.

So basically to get a little clarification, I am not driving by her house. Said that I have wanted to, but did not and will not. I have enough self control to realize that's way over the line.

I understand entirely what you both mean, I have been trying to suppress this shit becausr I do not want to push away something this good. In the three plus weeks since she called it quits, I have merely done texts, each roughly a week apart. Just to say I was still interested.

I would never want to push anyone into anything. From what I know of her, she would never let me anyway. The strongest willed person I have ever met and one of the many reasons I am so attracted to her. Definitely need to just step away though, you're right Kame.

I have never actually chased someone like this and that's why the big red flag is coming up now more than before. Don't give me the statistic about how many women there are, I have been with many upon many, which might be where this problem is also stemming from. Another is what actually ended my engagement where I was cheated on and why the fact I just think she found someone else is bugging me so much.

I have backed off considerably since I posted this and calmed down a lot, so the venting helped. Even without really stating a question, reading your views is helping and that was the general idea. And no Azrael, I would never go out that way, too proud honestly. Never has suicide or murder once crossed my mind in my entire life.

The reason I have such a poor view of therapy is because it actually has made my life worse before. That's a story for another time though.

Just so you know, I would consider that harassment.

Just wanted to say good luck with this.


None of us can really tell you what to do, other than to remind you to think about what principles you have that you care about, and how they apply to the situation. And I suppose to remind you not to go batshit crazy and murder anyone with a pickaxe and stuff.

ngl so would I. If you're gonna send three texts, do it at 2 weeks apart, then 4 weeks, then 8 weeks, then just stop, cuz even that is pretty persistent. If she decides to leave you a chance for later, she can save her texts or something, if she doesn't, then you're seriously done for. Sorry!

Just have faith in her that if she says no, that means no. If you don't have that faith, ngl, that's really pretty bad.

Do take care of yourself. Stay hydrated and get some extra fibre in your diet.

To be honest I think it's time to give it up here. Movies like The Graduate made it seem that a man pursuing his infatuation to great ends was a good thing; and of course, things tend to work out okay in Hollywood.

However, it's really not the case. Obsession is rarely good and tends to either:

a) push people further away; or
b) get you what you want but causes the object of the obsession to enter a relationship for the wrong reasons

But you already know this. I'm glad that venting has helped.

Updates:

Over it! The venting really did help. There was also another reason...

So apparently she sent her ex-boyfriend, that she started dating the moment she stopped talking to me, to confront me. Note that I had not sent her a single text in eleven days now. So he told me to leave her alone. Kind of just lost it on the guy, "Are you telling me that she told you where I lived and asked you to confront me directly? I have given up and have no intentions of continuing. Deeply apologize for any commotion I caused." Literally said that as respectfully as I could even though I just wanted to put this guy in her place. So he replied with this winner, "Good because I would have to beat your ass in otherwise." My counterargument, "...What?" So I stepped off the porch and he squared up.

Few punches later and him on the ground without actually getting a good hit in, I told him to call her in front of me and have him explain to her what happened, "He said that he wont be bothering you anymore. Yeah. Yeah. Well... I antagonized him as I was leaving, not sure why I had to do that. and we fought." Yelling over the phone, "Everything's good though. No. We shook hands." What seemed like a few minutes of her yelling later, "I know that's why you didn't want to tell me where he lived, I'm sorry for not dropping it."

After that, I feel a lot better. Closure I guess? Finding out what really happened and that it wasn't something else? This happened last night by the way, lol

*Note that the quotes are not exact, but close enough to what I remember.

Can you teach me how to fight?

Sure. Get into a lot of fights and eventually you will get good. That's how I did it. #juniorhighschool #highschool

Facepalm. Funny that if she had just told you that she was dating her ex again none of this shit would have happened.

Bitches be crazy.

Seems LoveLess is a regular brawler.

You're kidding, right? She basically said "stop bothering me" when she said she wanted a "healthy relationship". That was the "no."

I fought a lot in junior high and high school.

Not really, from the beginning she kind of repeated that, before we even started "dating." Now that I think about it, how she said "healthy relationship" all the time, it kind of sounds like similar to how fat chicks say they are full figured.

Fair enuff. Although, again on Oh_man's shitty post, part of what would have made this "never have had happen" is you not being obsessive in the first place.

I don't personally blame you. However, man, Oh_man's post pisses the /fuck/ out of me.

No problem, lemme turn off being obsessive.

[/obsessive]

Guys, do I look any different?

Yaaaaay. So glad we're still talking about loveless even though his issue was resolved nine posts ago.