Awesome story
May 21 2010, 9:26 pm
By: Apos  

May 21 2010, 9:26 pm Apos Post #1

I order you to forgive yourself!

Story

All credits are to be given to me. :facts:

Post feedbacks if you liked it or how I could improve it.




May 21 2010, 9:46 pm Pr0nogo Post #2



Funny stuff in there man, funny stuff.




May 21 2010, 9:51 pm Apos Post #3

I order you to forgive yourself!

Quote from Pr0nogo
Funny stuff in there man, funny stuff.
Glad you liked it.




May 21 2010, 9:56 pm DavidJCobb Post #4



Lotta oddly-constructed sentences that didn't flow so well... I'm not even sure I get the ending, or what happened. Breakage of the third wall seemed awkward, slightly contrived, totally unnecessary, and it broke the flow. And why digress to talk about the setting if you could've simply described it before detailing the events of the story?



None.

May 21 2010, 10:07 pm Apos Post #5

I order you to forgive yourself!

Quote from DavidJCobb
Lotta oddly-constructed sentences that didn't flow so well... I'm not even sure I get the ending, or what happened. Breakage of the third wall seemed awkward, slightly contrived, totally unnecessary, and it broke the flow. And why digress to talk about the setting if you could've simply described it before detailing the events of the story?
I'm pretty sure I can fix most of it, I'll try to do it before the end of the weekend.




May 22 2010, 1:14 am BlueWolf Post #6



Yeah, describing the city the way you did... not a great idea. You could have easily intertwined it with the following paragraph. Add it in there while she's on her way to the river.

Quote
Anyway, that conversation had in no way changed what Sainha Peira was going to do.

Take "Anyway" out of that sentence. Instead of stating that her mind was unchanged, give the reader the impression that she hadn't changed her mind by making her respond arrogantly and/or snobbishly to the man.

Quote
For some obscure reason that even I, the narrator, don’t know yet,

Why are you writing this as a narrator? Was that part of the assignment?
I'd say take that whole sentence out. Keep the suspense going. She's trapped, and telling us she lost the skii-doo doesn't fit. Unless it was some sort of precious object that belonged to the family.

Again, to keep the suspense going, remove "Then" from this sentence:

Quote
Then, she felt the water getting higher and higher.

Oh, and you rushed through and at the ending.




None.

May 22 2010, 2:05 am Apos Post #7

I order you to forgive yourself!

Quote from name:BluEditor
...

Wow, that makes a lot of sense. I'll change those little details right now. Seems like I'll be improving my writing skills a lot with that short story

Also, the idea I had with the ski-doo was that it would block the water that was able to go through the dam leading to the flood.

Picture of what it could look like





Options
  Back to forum
Please log in to reply to this topic or to report it.
Members in this topic: None.
[10:05 am]
Moose -- ya
[05:23 am]
zsnakezz -- yes
[2024-5-12. : 8:51 pm]
l)ark_ssj9kevin -- Are you excited for Homeworld 3?
[2024-5-12. : 8:44 pm]
l)ark_ssj9kevin -- Hi Brusilov
[2024-5-12. : 4:35 pm]
O)FaRTy1billion[MM] -- Brusilov
Brusilov shouted: Hey, what happened to EUDDB? Is there a mirror for it somewhere? Need to do a little research.
my server that was hosting it died
[2024-5-10. : 8:46 pm]
NudeRaider -- Brusilov
Brusilov shouted: Hey, what happened to EUDDB? Is there a mirror for it somewhere? Need to do a little research.
https://armoha.github.io/eud-book/
[2024-5-10. : 8:36 am]
Brusilov -- Hey, what happened to EUDDB? Is there a mirror for it somewhere? Need to do a little research.
[2024-5-09. : 11:31 pm]
Vrael -- :wob:
[2024-5-09. : 8:42 pm]
Ultraviolet -- :wob:
[2024-5-08. : 10:09 pm]
Ultraviolet -- let's fucking go on a madmen rage bruh
Please log in to shout.


Members Online: SPyro_Malin