He's only established as "evil" to certain groups of people. If the person grading your paper happens to be a Satanist, Religious but neither Christian or Satanist, or just Non-Religious, you may lose credibility as an Author for using such a specialized comparison.
For example: You call the alarm clock evil. The reader cannot disagree with this statement without taking the entire story into context.
For example: You say that the alarm clock represents Satan. The reader can think "Well Satan isn't such a bad guy" or "I hope something bad happens to you for messing with Satan" or even "Who's that?". The only benefit of using this representation is that anyone who interprets Satan in the same way as you will perhaps understand the point of your writing better.
You're making no sense. It is easily understood that the writer is just using Satan as a representation of evil as that is a very common knowledge idea. @KK Personally, I'd just ignore what Norm is blabbering about . . .
Anyway, you're a really really good writer. There are sections that are particularly wordy and should be edited. It also takes a while for a voice to emerge from the spew of intense vocabulary and metaphor that you throw at the reader for the first few paragraphs.
For instance: this is wicked wordy: "Its dream-shattering cries arouse one from the safety and sanctity of sleep, informing its owner of a simple truth: reality awaits." The use of 'arouse
one' and 'informing
its owner are a little awkward/wordy/unnecessarily formal/impersonal, in particular. 'dream-shattering'... 'the safety and sanctity of sleep' - it's just all a little much. 'informing' is kind of an odd word choice also.
Despite all this - it's the clear the writing is strong. There seems to be a lot at your disposal when it comes to writing tools in terms of vocabulary and figurative language. However... I'd suggest something like this for that sentence:
"Its cries disturb me from the sanctity of sleep each morning - letting me know that reality waits."
Of course that is putting a bit of my stylistic impression on it... but i think there are things to take from it. Whichever way you would choose to revise it, the writing does need some cleaning up and refining. Oh yeah, and i think the first sentence is a bit boring, too.
There is, however, a rather large flaw in this function
is, again, wordy. It can work. But the use of technical and wordy phrases like this should probably be limited - saying 'there is, however, a rather large flaw in this function' can only be chosen over something like 'but there's a problem with this' so often... Or else you'll start to lose your reader. (which kind of started to happen to me - but I got through it)
On another note, the "Reality sucks." paragraph is great.
Keeping this in mind, the alarm clock transcends its position, and becomes far more than a culmination of plastic, wires and lights. It becomes a messenger of doom, an emissary of evil, a harbinger of sorrow and the black tongue of Satan himself.
My own alarm clock, a simple clock radio, was no exception to this rule. Over time, the radio’s call in the morning deteriorated from being nice music to wake up to, to being the dying screams of everything holy as the block became a conduit for some demonic entity, trapped in some other dimension and using its only free time to ruin my morning. Where once the clock aptly served its primary function – displaying the time – it now bore a face. Its venomous green eyes poisoned my soul and crushed my resolve, draining me of the will to go about my day.
The wordiness continues! There are some great ideas in here, like 'it now bore a face' and 'its venomous green eyes ... my day', 'the black tongue of satan', 'dying screams of everything holy' ---- but there's just too much. You're overwhelming and giving too many ideas. (perhaps being a bit redundant, as well).
Instead of "Keeping this in mind, the alarm clock transcends its position, and becomes far more than a culmination of plastic, wires and lights." -- try:
"The alarm transcends its nature, and becomes far more than plastic, wires and lights." -- 'keeping this in mind' and 'a culmination of' are completely unnecessary and are in excess of the main ideas -- and distracting your reader, as well. (though, i suppose i could understand the stylistic choice of using 'keeping this in mind')
"My own alarm clock, a simple clock radio, was no exception to this rule." -- fluff, unnecessary sentence.
"...to being the dying screams of everything holy as the block became a conduit for some demonic entity, trapped in some other dimension and using its only free time to ruin my morning."
how about... "to being the dying screams of everything holy - a conduit for a demonic entity that was shouting from the depths of another dimension." (I think 'and using its only free time to ruin my morning is excess/fluff/unnecessary/awkward. speaking of some demonic entity's 'free time' in another dimension just seems weird and off track, for one)
In short, you need to temper your abilities. Let the content shine through and don't let it become run down with overcomplicated descriptions, repetition, and overdone vocabulary. Try to streamline your ideas. You have good ones.
A couple of my favorite parts from the selection:
As I entered my room, the cursed clock caught my eye. Its perturbed gaze drew me to it. Within moments I was face to face with my demon.
3:54
Those poison eyes glared at me. They pierced my soul. The demon had returned, and it was taking its toll on me.
3:54
I knew what had to be done. The alarm clock had to die. By my hands, whether in this life or the next, this clock would find itself shattered into millions of miniscule fragments, or otherwise laid to rest – by hellfire or hammer, it would see its end.
(i lol'd at the second sentence. it was awesome and surreal) ('whether in this life or the next' is another awesome detail of exaggeration)
With an anticlimactic thud, the clock bounced off of my bedroom wall and to the floor
(i think the rest of the sentence gets wordy)
and finally... the last 4 paragraphs too.
Thanks for sharing.
None.