This is for English class and I would appreciate a bit of feedback/basic criticism:

http://pastebin.com/d17adba0e

It's the first time I've written anything like this, so I've no idea how it really turned out. Any comments are helpful!

Well, I have nothing to criticize, and I feel pretty much the same way about my own alarm clock

I liked the piece. I'd say, good job. But what exactly was the assignment? Just to write out some sort of routine you do everday, in steps?

The assignment was to write a personal narrative about something that happened in your life. It was an incredibly vague assignment, so this is what I did.

I'll be checking this threa tomorrow so please leave feedback <3

Love the idea

Thanks

Moar feedback other people on SEN?

Interesting lol
I really like it

Take out the reference to Satan.

Other than that, it was fairly interesting. I liked the confrontation, but I think you approached that scene with too much of a middle-of-the-road kind of attitude. It should've been more along the lines of "Ok, I'm pissed for a reason" or "I'm actually happy and what's about to happen is not expected of me at all based on my mood."

Might I ask why? I wasn't trying to offend anyone - merely using an already established figurehead of 'evil' to extend a point.


Mm, I suppose that would be better in terms of the narrative. I was trying to write honestly - this actually happened, and the middle-of-the-road attitude is what was present.

Thank you for taking the time to read and give feedback. Much appreciated.

He's only established as "evil" to certain groups of people. If the person grading your paper happens to be a Satanist, Religious but neither Christian or Satanist, or just Non-Religious, you may lose credibility as an Author for using such a specialized comparison.

For example: You call the alarm clock evil. The reader cannot disagree with this statement without taking the entire story into context.

For example: You say that the alarm clock represents Satan. The reader can think "Well Satan isn't such a bad guy" or "I hope something bad happens to you for messing with Satan" or even "Who's that?". The only benefit of using this representation is that anyone who interprets Satan in the same way as you will perhaps understand the point of your writing better.

Yes, I am turned on by my alarm clock as well.
"3. to awaken; wake up"<- Bullshit

You're making no sense. It is easily understood that the writer is just using Satan as a representation of evil as that is a very common knowledge idea. @KK Personally, I'd just ignore what Norm is blabbering about . . .

Anyway, you're a really really good writer. There are sections that are particularly wordy and should be edited. It also takes a while for a voice to emerge from the spew of intense vocabulary and metaphor that you throw at the reader for the first few paragraphs.

For instance: this is wicked wordy: "Its dream-shattering cries arouse one from the safety and sanctity of sleep, informing its owner of a simple truth: reality awaits." The use of 'arouse one' and 'informing its owner are a little awkward/wordy/unnecessarily formal/impersonal, in particular. 'dream-shattering'... 'the safety and sanctity of sleep' - it's just all a little much. 'informing' is kind of an odd word choice also.

Despite all this - it's the clear the writing is strong. There seems to be a lot at your disposal when it comes to writing tools in terms of vocabulary and figurative language. However... I'd suggest something like this for that sentence:

"Its cries disturb me from the sanctity of sleep each morning - letting me know that reality waits."

Of course that is putting a bit of my stylistic impression on it... but i think there are things to take from it. Whichever way you would choose to revise it, the writing does need some cleaning up and refining. Oh yeah, and i think the first sentence is a bit boring, too.

is, again, wordy. It can work. But the use of technical and wordy phrases like this should probably be limited - saying 'there is, however, a rather large flaw in this function' can only be chosen over something like 'but there's a problem with this' so often... Or else you'll start to lose your reader. (which kind of started to happen to me - but I got through it)

On another note, the "Reality sucks." paragraph is great.


The wordiness continues! There are some great ideas in here, like 'it now bore a face' and 'its venomous green eyes ... my day', 'the black tongue of satan', 'dying screams of everything holy' ---- but there's just too much. You're overwhelming and giving too many ideas. (perhaps being a bit redundant, as well).

Instead of "Keeping this in mind, the alarm clock transcends its position, and becomes far more than a culmination of plastic, wires and lights." -- try:

"The alarm transcends its nature, and becomes far more than plastic, wires and lights." -- 'keeping this in mind' and 'a culmination of' are completely unnecessary and are in excess of the main ideas -- and distracting your reader, as well. (though, i suppose i could understand the stylistic choice of using 'keeping this in mind')

"My own alarm clock, a simple clock radio, was no exception to this rule." -- fluff, unnecessary sentence.

"...to being the dying screams of everything holy as the block became a conduit for some demonic entity, trapped in some other dimension and using its only free time to ruin my morning."

how about... "to being the dying screams of everything holy - a conduit for a demonic entity that was shouting from the depths of another dimension." (I think 'and using its only free time to ruin my morning is excess/fluff/unnecessary/awkward. speaking of some demonic entity's 'free time' in another dimension just seems weird and off track, for one)

In short, you need to temper your abilities. Let the content shine through and don't let it become run down with overcomplicated descriptions, repetition, and overdone vocabulary. Try to streamline your ideas. You have good ones.

A couple of my favorite parts from the selection:


(i lol'd at the second sentence. it was awesome and surreal) ('whether in this life or the next' is another awesome detail of exaggeration)

(i think the rest of the sentence gets wordy)

and finally... the last 4 paragraphs too.

Thanks for sharing.

Wow, of course I get the best feedback after it's due

Thanks for the feedback. I'm too tired to think too hard about it now, but you've got good points.


On another note, I had a lot of fun reading this to my class. Good stuff.

EDIT: Pastebin's expired, and so has my need for feedback, I guess. This thread can be locked.

If anyone missed it but wants to read it, drop me a PM.

Post has been edited 1 time(s), last time on Dec 3 2009, 1:59 am by Symmetry.

Hope at least that what i said will help in the future.

>>Locked