That doesn't sound like the pope I see.
"Parliamentary inquiry, Mr. Chairman - do we have to call the Gentleman a gentleman if he's not one?"
ᴄʜᴇᴇsᴇ ɪᴛ!
That doesn't sound like the pope I see.
Alright a few more...
Quote
A mathematician is flying non-stop from Edmonton to Frankfurt with AirTransat. The scheduled flying time is nine hours.
Some time after taking off, the pilot announces that one engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "Don't worry - we're safe. The only noticeable effect this will have for us is that our total flying time will be ten hours instead of nine."
A few hours into the flight, the pilot informs the passengers that another engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "But don't worry - we're still safe. Only our flying time will go up to twelve hours."
Some time later, a third engine fails and has to be turned off. But the pilot reassures the passengers: "Don't worry - even with one engine, we're still perfectly safe. It just means that it will take sixteen hours total for this plane to arrive in Frankfurt."
The mathematician remarks to his fellow passengers: "If the last engine breaks down, too, then we'll be in the air for twenty-four hours altogether!"
Some time after taking off, the pilot announces that one engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "Don't worry - we're safe. The only noticeable effect this will have for us is that our total flying time will be ten hours instead of nine."
A few hours into the flight, the pilot informs the passengers that another engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "But don't worry - we're still safe. Only our flying time will go up to twelve hours."
Some time later, a third engine fails and has to be turned off. But the pilot reassures the passengers: "Don't worry - even with one engine, we're still perfectly safe. It just means that it will take sixteen hours total for this plane to arrive in Frankfurt."
The mathematician remarks to his fellow passengers: "If the last engine breaks down, too, then we'll be in the air for twenty-four hours altogether!"
Quote
A woman in a bar tries to pick up a mathematician.
"How old, do you think, am I?" she asks coyly.
"Well - 18 by that fire in your eyes, 19 by that glow on your cheeks, 20 by that radiance of your face, and adding that up is something you can probably do for yourself..."
"How old, do you think, am I?" she asks coyly.
"Well - 18 by that fire in your eyes, 19 by that glow on your cheeks, 20 by that radiance of your face, and adding that up is something you can probably do for yourself..."
Quote
There are 10 kinds of mathematicians. Those who can think binary and those who can't.
Quote
One day after sleeping badly, an anatomist went to his frog laboratory and removed from a cage one frog with white spots on its back. He placed it on a table and drew a line just in front of the frog. "Jump frog, jump!" he shouted. The little critter jumped two feet forward. In his lab book, the anatomist scribbled, "Frog with four legs jumps two feet."
Then, he surgically removed one leg of the frog and repeated the experiment. "Jump, jump!" To which, the frog leaped forward 1.5 feet. He wrote down, "Frog with three legs jumps 1.5 feet."
Next, he removed a second leg. "Jump frog, jump!" The frog managed to jump a foot. He scribbled in his lab book, "Frog with two legs jumps one foot."
Not stopping there, the anatomist removed yet another leg. "Jump, jump!" The poor frog somehow managed to move 0.5 feet forward. The scientist wrote, "Frog with one leg jumps 0.5 feet."
Finally, he eliminated the last leg. "Jump, jump!" he shouted, encouraging forward progress for the frog. But despite all its efforts, the frog could not budge. "Jump frog, jump!" he cried again. It was no use; the frog would not response. The anatomist thought for a while and then wrote in his lab book, "Frog with no legs goes deaf."
Then, he surgically removed one leg of the frog and repeated the experiment. "Jump, jump!" To which, the frog leaped forward 1.5 feet. He wrote down, "Frog with three legs jumps 1.5 feet."
Next, he removed a second leg. "Jump frog, jump!" The frog managed to jump a foot. He scribbled in his lab book, "Frog with two legs jumps one foot."
Not stopping there, the anatomist removed yet another leg. "Jump, jump!" The poor frog somehow managed to move 0.5 feet forward. The scientist wrote, "Frog with one leg jumps 0.5 feet."
Finally, he eliminated the last leg. "Jump, jump!" he shouted, encouraging forward progress for the frog. But despite all its efforts, the frog could not budge. "Jump frog, jump!" he cried again. It was no use; the frog would not response. The anatomist thought for a while and then wrote in his lab book, "Frog with no legs goes deaf."
Quote
An unemployed biologist was having considerable difficulty in finding a new job. He finally saw an add in a local newspaper for a position at a zoo. In the interview, the manager told him that their only gorilla, which had been a star attraction, had recently died, and it would be sometime before they could replace it. Meanwhile, they needed someone to dress up as a gorilla and pretend to be the animal. The biologist was quite embarrassed, but, being desperate for money, he accepted the job.
The next day, the biologist put on a gorilla skin and headgear and entered a cage from a rear entrance. Visitors smiled at him and threw bread. After a while, the biologist really got into the act. He jumped up and down, beat his chest and roared as people cheered.
The following day, the biologist entered the wrong cage by accident and found himself staring at a lion. The lion roared and rushed toward him. The scared biologist turned and ran, while screaming, "Help! Help!" The lion leaped onto the gorilla, knocked him to the ground and whispered in his ear, "Hey, it's me Leonard, your former co-worker. Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!"
The next day, the biologist put on a gorilla skin and headgear and entered a cage from a rear entrance. Visitors smiled at him and threw bread. After a while, the biologist really got into the act. He jumped up and down, beat his chest and roared as people cheered.
The following day, the biologist entered the wrong cage by accident and found himself staring at a lion. The lion roared and rushed toward him. The scared biologist turned and ran, while screaming, "Help! Help!" The lion leaped onto the gorilla, knocked him to the ground and whispered in his ear, "Hey, it's me Leonard, your former co-worker. Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!"
Quote
Work vs Prison
IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.
So why is it, again, that we work?
IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.
So why is it, again, that we work?
Quote
What do a violin and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Quote
Two engineering students meet on campus one day.
The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!'"
"Good choice!" says the first, "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!'"
"Good choice!" says the first, "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
None.
The real joke is why do i get fined and my post deleted, but no one else? 
but seriously...
How many ADD people does it take to change a light bulb?
Lets go ride bikes!!!
but seriously... How many ADD people does it take to change a light bulb?
Lets go ride bikes!!!
None.
Quote from 
Jello-Jigglers
Jello-JigglersThe real joke is why do i get fined and my post deleted, but no one else? but seriously...
How many ADD people does it take to change a light bulb?
Lets go ride bikes!!!
but seriously... How many ADD people does it take to change a light bulb?
Lets go ride bikes!!!
You should NOT have to ask this.
None.
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in back. It was properly
shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with a few picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while to look it over. He
grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.One of the women shouted to him,
"We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
orrrrrr
Hung Chow calls into
work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache,
stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes
everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon..... You got nice house.'
shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with a few picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while to look it over. He
grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.One of the women shouted to him,
"We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
orrrrrr
Hung Chow calls into
work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache,
stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes
everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon..... You got nice house.'
None.
[09:38 pm]
NudeRaider -- UltravioletUltraviolet shouted: NudeRaider sing it brother
trust me, you don't wanna hear that. I defer that to the pros.
[2024-4-26. : 6:51 pm]
Vrael -- It is, and I could definitely use a company with a commitment to flexibility, quality, and customer satisfaction to provide effective solutions to dampness and humidity in my urban environment.[2024-4-26. : 6:50 pm]
NudeRaider -- VraelVrael shouted: Idk, I was looking more for a dehumidifer company which maybe stands out as a beacon of relief amidst damp and unpredictable climates of bustling metropolises. Not sure Amazon qualifies
sounds like moisture control is often a pressing concern in your city[2024-4-26. : 6:50 pm]
Vrael -- Maybe here on the StarEdit Network I could look through the Forums for some Introductions to people who care about the Topics of Dehumidifiers and Carpet Cleaning?[2024-4-26. : 6:49 pm]
Vrael -- Perhaps even here I on the StarEdit Network I could look for some Introductions.
Members Online: Zycorax, Roy, NudeRaider
Zycorax, Roy, NudeRaider