As a Hyperbolic Time Chamber, I remain inanimate. I am a round, chrome ball, with three comical peg-legs positioned in a triangular pattern around my base to keep me upright. The legs are shaped like the legs of the flying machine in Earthbound. They are soft to the touch, but are virtually indestructible. I have the radius of a muscle car, with the height of an exceptionally large American, but I often find myself in rooms unbefitting of my girth due to my soul-seeking powers. Sometimes my entry is violent. I have a door, which may open a day after I accept an entree (or consume one by nature of plot device). Staring directly into my surface may cause eye cancer due to the brightness of light that reflects off the chrome surface. I weigh an amount indescribable by modern science, but can move by divine providence, generally at terminal velocity towards unsuspecting pedestrians. I have an unhealthy tendency to suddenly roll over and crush living things that idle near me. I produce a gravity well capable of disrupting the orbit of objects within 5 meters, including bears. I may be summoned through the use of a magical Bagel Whistle, but only once per whistle. If I am summoned through such a mechanism my entry is always violent and often results in severe vomiting and diarrhea.
Inscribed on my surface are faintly patterned, silvery penises that illuminate pink when rubbed vigorously, but only produce a moderately threatening amount of radiation. The illumination vanishes in an average of five seconds, but irradiation is bind on pickup. Inscribed on the top of my body is a symbol of a bear skinning knife - rubbing this summons twelve angry bears that then maul anyone nearby for 12 seconds. After 12 seconds pass, the bears implode. The Bear Skinning Knife has no cooldown. Inscribed on each leg is a symbol of Triforce - rubbing this has a 1/100 chance to grant you Godhood, but a 99/100 chance to turn you into Dem0nS1ayer's girlfriend. Since I use Blizzard PRNG it's not recommended you test fate.
I produce a smell that is to humans like pollen is to bees - alluring, but potentially deceptive. I taste like a combination of old newspapers, used tofu, and Mexican. I produce a faint humming sound, like that of a power generator, that gives an unsettling feeling of imminent danger to those technically inclined - but may attract the attention of curious cats.
The effects of my training may be determined by how many goatse's are currently setting flag in Mother Russia. I announce the availability of training (or random accidental death) through mysterious East Indian lottery music that emits from no discernible source. This music has a high probability of driving those who hear it insane, turning them Undead, or banishing them to the Underdark for 2D18 turns. When I expel my trainee I often do so in a violent and painful manner, especially to those nearby. I require alcohol to get through the working day.
I am currently training Tux to become the next Super Saiyan. He has to roll vs a DC of 42 to succeed, or collapse into a black hole upon leaving the Hyperbolic Time Chamber because his manliness is too extreme for the current universe to handle.
Show them your butt, and when you do, slap it so it creates a sound akin to a chorus of screaming spider monkeys flogging a chime with cacti. Only then can you find your destiny at the tip of the shaft.
Fire_Kame
