Staredit Network > Forums > SC1 Map Showcase > Topic: Hero Sanctuary v1.10
Hero Sanctuary v1.10
Sep 26 2009, 8:33 pm
By: Norm
Pages: < 1 « 4 5 6 7 844 >
 

Oct 7 2009, 3:00 am Norm Post #101



Just for a character. The character's storylines are completely unrelated to the AoS plot.



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Oct 7 2009, 3:59 am fat_flying_pigs Post #102



The Illusionist
Original
Revised

The Psychopath
Only 1 version for this story so far :D




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Oct 7 2009, 4:11 am Norm Post #103



Wow Flying pigs. First of all I would like to say that your psychopath story really captures the theme of the game well. The only thing that I can think of for now is maybe add a little bit more of a buildup to the story's progression and perhaps instead of just saying "The majority of people consider the last stand heroic" you can build more on that saying something like how he influenced others in a positive way even though his deeds were seemingly negative to the general population. I'm sure that if you toy around with it a little more, it can become even better, but it's a really great story so far.

I haven't read the revised illusionist story yet, but I will now and then EDIT this post to add that in as well..

EDIT: Wow, Illusionist has improved a lot since the last time I read it too. Perhaps I will look over it more closely tomorrow and perhaps edit it and see if we can get a finished product to go in the OP. Thanks for you help Flying pigs =)

EDIT#2: I went through the second half of the OP and added some additional information, another Screen shot, and fixed some spelling errors as promised.

Post has been edited 2 time(s), last time on Oct 7 2009, 4:38 am by Norm.



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Oct 7 2009, 9:14 pm FlashBeer Post #104



Ideas for further sensory distortion. At night or for some spells, sounds could be played. For example, at night DT attack sounds could be played at random, so could ghost attacks, zergling attacks, inf kerri attacks, psionic storms, and even sounds of units dying— maybe even weak spawn units could randomly die with an attack sound being played. This would make night time much more creepy. Also for some spell like Nercomancer's Kali's Curse, since they are blind, you could play a bunch of summon's attack sounds to make it sound much worse.



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Oct 8 2009, 12:06 am MEMEME670 Post #105



Crimson Wolf




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Oct 8 2009, 12:12 am Norm Post #106



Quote from MEMEME670
Crimson Wolf


I have begun reading it, and I will give it a complete reading in a little bit, then provide my feedback. From what I've read so far, it seems like you need more explanation in some places, and less in others to make the story flow better. I'll update more after I finish reading.



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Oct 8 2009, 12:14 am MEMEME670 Post #107



Quote from Norm
Quote from MEMEME670
Crimson Wolf


I have begun reading it, and I will give it a complete reading in a little bit, then provide my feedback. From what I've read so far, it seems like you need more explanation in some places, and less in others to make the story flow better. I'll update more after I finish reading.

K.



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Oct 8 2009, 1:24 am Norm Post #108



OKAY. MEMEME, there are some really great parts of your story, but overall it is very inconsistent with not only Crimson Wolf as a character, but also the idea of a Dark Plane.

It can be re-worked (not too much reworking) to fit the character and setting A LOT BETTER though, and with my help, you can probably make a masterpiece out of it.

First of all, let me remind you of a few things:

1. The Crimson Wolf cannot control when his power shifts. He gains werewolf traits in the light, and he gains vampire traits when it is dark.

2. Also, he is significantly stronger/faster when it is dark because not only can he run faster, he can also focus to gain MP faster at night time (when it is dark) ONLY.

3. Don't forget that the Dark Plane cannot be associated with our plane of reality. There are numerous times in your writing where you rely on Human associations to describe characteristics or events, we're going to have to try to avoid that.

Quote
Born of a Werewolf father and a Vampire mother, he was an abomination. Now normally, abomination would bring to mind a great beast, possessing all of the aggressive attributes of said parents. Such was not the case with Crimson Wolf. !He possessed the ability to change from Vampire to Werewolf, but only for short times.!

Being born in the Dark Plane gave him very little knowledge of light, and as such he is weakened when light shines bright!, however, food is not found easily in the Dark Plane, and due to his small size, and undersized fangs, he worked his legs until many days he lay passed out underneath a tree in the rain. But, eventually, he became fast. He sustained himself, but living was never easy.!

Okay the issue with this section is a lack of explanation where it is needed, and an iffy sense of flow. First off all, the last sentence of the first paragraph should be changed to explain how his power is dependent on the light/dark. Or something along the lines of why he is abomination. Perhaps because of his parents being races that are taboo against being together, and a child is even more taboo. Even though he does not have all the powers of a vampire, or all the powers of a werewolf, his advantage is that he has traits of both. I'm sure you know this, but it needs to be explained (even if it only takes 1 sentence) to the reader.

Secondly, the part I pointed out in the second paragraph needs to flow together more. Take out the however, because that part isn't related to the sentence before it. You should tell how he noticed his shortcomings, and was forced to develop unique skills associated with being of both races since he didn't have the dominant strengths of either.

Quote
He had never known his parents, nobody in the Dark Plane did. At least, none that he had met. And one day, there was a great earthquake, trapping him on piece of land that was Surrounded by great fissures that he could not jump with his small legs, and he could not fly because his vampire form had not the ability to turn into a bat, that was reserved for full vampires.

However, he was saved within the hour. Because he was passed out at the time, food having been scarce, he had been trying to gather some up to change his home, but he had forgotten to eat today and after the earthquake, he had given up

The first paragraph here is good, but you should combine the key information from the second into the first instead of adding the filler. Just add another sentence to the first paragraph saying that "He was low in strength, and had nearly given up hope for survival by the time he was rescued....." Or something along those lines.

Quote
When he awoke, he found himself in a small cave, surrounded by all types of beasts, large, ferocious, beasts with huge fangs and claws, beasts that could not be approached with a negative intent, due to their extreme control of magic, !and beasts that looked like what we would call a mix of mosquitoes and wasps, but about the size of a plane.!

There is a theory that the four planes are connected, in pairs, but all slightly connected to the two it isn’t paired with. Terra is what is called a sister to the Dark Plane; this meaning any great event happening on Terra would have an effect in the Dark Plane, and vice-versa.

Crimson Wolf had no knowledge of this, and he never would, he only knew he was the only one of his kind, small and fast, yet able to sustain himself off of large amounts of insects and ‘vulturing’ corpses that had already been feasted on. He wondered why the insects that he ate on bad days lived, but he heard they had an odd digestive system that feasted on darkness itself.


He learned he was surrounded by a group that had no name, and no leader. The leader had died in the earthquake, and the group had retreated to its cave. Crimson Wolf saw in himself an ability to lead, as he had many times had to trick creatures into working with him to live, and he had quite the intellect. He showed the creatures this skill in the outside world, and they voted him the new leader.

Okay this needs some work. You should remove the struck out text, because it seems like information that doesn't add much to the plot, and will lead readers to be either confused or lost trying to find out a reason for it to be written there. In the first section, there is an example of where you should describe things in more of a "Dark Plane point of view" Instead of saying "Larger than the average plane" "Looks like a wasp/mosquito", you should add more detail. Describe their size as "Massive, or Gigantic" "Ferocious" "Insect form with a carapace that looked harder than Stone" You know what I'm saying?

In that last section, take out the "Voting" and just say that they accepted him as a leader or something like that. Voting is another thing that is associated with humans (especially democracy).

Quote
You see, creatures in the Dark Plane, along with being very trusting, were very self serving, each wanting only to live. Now, this group had been created of a will to unite and possibly make some peace in the Dark Plane. Of course, there would still be fighting, but, nothing needless.

Crimson Wolf was told of this, and told that the groups’ high mages believed that The Great Monstrosity had been awoken. It had no name, but had slept since the last Switching, where the Astral Plane and Dark Plane had lined up, and they had experienced fluctuations including bright sunlight being introduced to the Dark Plane, and seemingly random teleportations between the Planes. However, after the brief week in which that had happened, everything returned to normal, and The Great Monstrosity had been very mad, and had started to destroy. It had eventually been stopped, after a long of destruction, but nobody remembered that, only that it had awoken. It was awake again.

This part sounds pretty good, but you're going to need to introduce the Great Monstrosity more formally since he is kind of a big deal in the plot of your story. your description of when the planes line up left me thinking "lolwhat" for the longest time, but I'm sure with some touching up it would make more sense and help the story flow along.

Quote
Crimson Wolf was horrified to hear this, and immediately, the group set out to (hopefully) stop this thing, lead by Crimson Wolf’s amazing leadership powers. Any and all enemy creatures they found along their way were persuaded by Crimson Wolf. They found a huge hole, and they entered it…

By now, the group contained approximately 500 creatures, all bigger then your average car, except Crimson Wolf. He chose to run ahead most of the time, finding surprising amounts of corpses, enough that after a day, when they reached the bottom and found it, none had gone hungry.

It appeared to be a giant worm, although none could really know what lay beneath the surface, some think it has a network of roots that can suck energy out of the ground to live, and create earthquakes whenever it is awakened and has enough energy. Some think it’s a cut off part of a greater beast, and is still connected to that beast through dark energy, and that’s what creates the earthquakes, nobody really knows.

Upon finding The Great Monstrosity, all but Crimson Wolf hid in fear, and he approached it. It knew of his intent, as it had probed his (and all of the other groups) minds while they were on their way here. It had also made that hole before they arrived, knowing it would need food.

Crimson Wolf knew his techniques would come into play here, and here he might die, but he did not care, he only knew he had to kill this thing.

This part is well-written. You probably don't need to change anything in these paragraphs besides a few minor edits that I can handle once the story is finished.

Quote
And the battle began, Crimson Wolf suddenly found a great light in his eyes, but used Dracula Cape to evade and counterattack, doing minor damage to the beasts tough armored skin. Crimson Wolf suddenly found himself damaged from five points at once from tentacles The Great Monstrosity pulled out of nowhere. Crimson Wolf used Night Terror to paralyze him and render him unable of sight past a few meters, but knew it wouldn’t last forever. He quickly changed into a werewolf and used Curse of Crimson to give his allies strength and cause them to rush forward in a burst of frenzied attack, not killing the beast, but causing it to retreat.

He then heard a voice inside his head, although he could never remember what it sounded like. It had helped him many times along his journey, although he only faintly remembered it. It said “You have done well, and you are a Hero. Come join us” The last sound trailed off into silence, and Crimson Wolf wondered what he meant.

Crimson Wolf then died. The most popular theory is that the beast had poisoned him when it attacked him, and that the poison wasn’t fast acting, but was deadly. However, he was always remembered in creatures’ hearts.

This is a very good conclusion for your story. The only thing I would say is that instead of saying the names of spells he uses, just describe how they work because some people who are not familiar with his spells will be wondering what the hell you are talking about. Also, don't forget that he cannot choose when he changes powers, so if you want him to change to werewolf or something, the only way would be if a bright light somehow entered the cave.

Finally, the last thing is about the voice in his head. It needs to be mentioned earlier in the story because as of right now, it comes out of nowhere with no explanation. I really like how you told the story of his battle and death though, and left a lot of mystery- which relates to the Dark plane well - a place of darkness and mystery.

I look forward to seeing a revised story =).

EDIT: Flyingpigs, I am PMing you an edited version of your Illusionist story. Read over it to make sure that you're satisfied with the way it turned out. If you're alright with it, I'll put it up in the OP.

Post has been edited 1 time(s), last time on Oct 8 2009, 2:40 am by Norm.



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Oct 8 2009, 3:38 am MEMEME670 Post #109



About to start working on my revised edition.

I had had it as him being werewolf at night and vampire at day until i read the first page of this forum, and read this: Werewolf: Mutate into a Werewolf for a short time.

Wondering how that works, if he is a werewolf, how does he change into one again? Unless Meet the Line-up is incorrect and its vampire at day and werewolf at night...



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Oct 8 2009, 3:40 am Norm Post #110



Quote from MEMEME670
About to start working on my revised edition.

I had had it as him being werewolf at night and vampire at day until i read the first page of this forum, and read this: Werewolf: Mutate into a Werewolf for a short time.

Wondering how that works, if he is a werewolf, how does he change into one again? Unless Meet the Line-up is incorrect and its vampire at day and werewolf at night...

Ohh, sorry for not being more specific. His final spell during day turns him into a PURE werewolf for a short amount of time. So during the day he can not be affected by the adverse effects of being a vampire. He has increased strength, increased defense, and is not slowed by the sunlight. He can still only be a werewolf at day, and a vampire at night though.


OH AND ALSO: I saw your last post flashbeer, and it's not that I don't like the idea, I'm just hesitant to use sound files in a map. It's something I've never done before mostly because I don't even enable SC sound when I play. I will have to tinker about special effects more after I get done with the core systems.



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Oct 8 2009, 3:49 am Neki Post #111



Using sound can add atmosphere and cool effects. If you really don't like it, just have a system to disable sound. =P As long as you don't make the sound bits too big, which is fine as long as you always convert to 16-bit mono sound files.



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Oct 8 2009, 4:05 am fat_flying_pigs Post #112



Just use the sounds already in the mpq, a lot of them are really cool, and dont add extra size to the file.



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Oct 8 2009, 4:10 am Neki Post #113



I suppose for sound effects, but I mean actual music. :P I just love stealing music from other games to use in my maps.



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Oct 8 2009, 4:16 am Norm Post #114



Ugh, Right now I have a bug that is kicking the shit out of me. I've been trying to figure it out for ~2 hours now, but nothin seems to be working. Once I find this thing out, I will be able to move on to the next check box.

As for sounds, maybe someone can help me out with setting them up to be included in the version after Beta. IF I DO include sounds, I wouldn't use many because I don't want the file size to be massive.

In other news, The Illusionist's back story has been added to the first post. The character limit is another thing that is destroying me here, so We'll have to work something out with the mods pretty soon to move some posts around and I guess I'm going to need a 3rd opening post by the time we are done here. Thanks everyone so far, I got work in the AM though, so I'll resume map progress tomorrow.



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Oct 8 2009, 5:02 am FlashBeer Post #115



The sound files don't add to the file size if you just run then from the .mpq, the sound comes from the game rather than the map.



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Oct 8 2009, 5:44 am fat_flying_pigs Post #116



The only thing that should be used in the game are the mpq. sounds. Any other sounds/music will just lame up the map. I mean, we don't really need to hear foot steps, nor anything else. If any other sounds are used, they should last no more than 1 second.

I'm thinking using effects when ever you choose something (skill points), when you level up, when the game begins/ends (different for victory and defeat), night time, randomly just to confuse people (your forces are under attack + random ping <-- make that a spell?), use when a hero dies/player eliminated.



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Oct 8 2009, 2:53 pm MEMEME670 Post #117



Should have revised edition of Crimson Wolf up today.



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Oct 8 2009, 3:08 pm fat_flying_pigs Post #118



Creature of Mist is complete on paper. Needs to be typed up, expect it later today or tomorrow. I'm now working on the Serpent.



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Oct 8 2009, 3:28 pm MEMEME670 Post #119



Crimson Wolf




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Oct 8 2009, 3:49 pm Polkaman Post #120



Normy, I can probably help you diagnose the problem =)

I'll be on east

Also I have a personal sound archive I can probably dig into for you :)



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