Dec 28 2009, 2:47 pm
By: Pr0nogo  

Dec 28 2009, 2:47 pm Pr0nogo Post #1

It's all I see
When I look at you
And see what you do.

How can you pronounce
These two not guilty?
Look at their faces
They do not appear to be.

Their cuts and bruises
Are not self-imposed.
Reasons behind them
Still remain unknown.

My cry for justice
Has still gone unheard,
And so I leave you
With my last few words.

Testaments ruined.
Glories sacrificed.
It amazes me how
You have yet to die.
I do not have proof
Outside of my mind,
But cut me open
And that's what you'll find.

That's all you will find.
That's all you will need.
Imprison these men.
For naught but their deeds.

Dec 31 2009, 11:11 pm lil-Inferno Post #2

Just here for the pie

I'm not much of a poet or a critical person when it comes to literature, but I'm pondering what inspired you to write this (if you did write this yourself).

Jan 2 2010, 5:29 am Pr0nogo Post #3

Law-Abiding Citizen.

Jan 3 2010, 7:59 am Dapperdan Post #4

I actually just saw that movie today and figured that that might have been where this was coming from when I read it.

Notes (in no particular order):

1. Not sure why you center your poem. It's weird. I'd rather see it with normal line delineation.

2. Strange Phrasing:

Look at their faces
They do not appear to be.

What does this even mean?

3. You have a pretty good use of rhythm throughout the poem.

4. Overall the poem is pretty simple - nothing too special. A few good ideas, though. In any case, I would suggest you keep writing - not every poem has to be profound or some sort of masterpiece. Writing poetry can be a great outlet for anyone that's drawn to doing it.

5. "Inhumanity;" - not sure if you knew this when you did it, but a colon would be far more appropriate than a semi-colon here. Think of a semi-colon as a soft period - both clauses conjoined by the semi-colon need to have a subject and a predicate (if you are attempting to use proper english).

6. Favorite part:

It amazes me how
You have yet to die.
I do not have proof
Outside of my mind,
But cut me open
And that's what you'll find.

Especially the cut me open part.

7. Meaningless phrases? For example, these two lines:

Testaments ruined.
Glories sacrificed.

What do these 2 lines have to do with the rest of the poem? Do they do anything other than sound nice? (of course i may just be missing something)

8. Pronoun usage? The 'you' in the poem is pretty vague. I think it may be changing throughout the poem, too. I'm not sure. I'm not sure it's a good thing. The poem might be better if you clearly establish who the speaker is, and who the speaker is talking to. It may make perfect sense in your head, but if you want to most effectively translate your meaning to the reader, you'll probably want/need to be more specific.

9. On that note, maybe use more specific details. Rather than saying things like 'what you do' specify something the subject has done, a particular instance, and try to draw from it in order to create an image. It will attract your reader more and create a greater understanding of the poem. For instance, the 'what you do' in the poem could be put in a number of different ways with the use of specific language. You could say something like... it's the killing that makes you see inhumanity. or it could be their callousness or their dishonesty or their lack of regret or any number of things. And thus, what you specify as the trait that creates inhumanity, specifically, will create a stronger piece, which has a clearer meaning and stance.

Hope I could help out a little.


Jan 3 2010, 7:41 pm Pr0nogo Post #5

2. It means they don't appear to be not guilty, if you look at the context of the previous lines.
5. Wasn't sure which to use. Thanks.
7. It's there to show how the system of justice we have here contradicts itself too much.
8. The 'you' was directed at the system of justice.
9. I couldn't get too much more specific without scrapping the whole rhythm of the poem.

Thanks for the response!

Jan 4 2010, 5:56 am Dapperdan Post #6

9. That's what I thought. I would focus more on content than rhythm. Content > Rhythm in the grand scheme of things. I'd at least try to get it down with specific details and then edit it later to try to fit the rhythm/form if you really wanted it to.

Trying to stick to a rhythm and a form can be good; it often makes you use your words wisely and pay better care to putting your ideas together. Or, in other ways, the form can help guide the ideas along. For instance, with a sonnet, i feel like sometimes, in a sense, the sonnet sort of writes itself, because there are so many guidelines to follow which leads you to creating a lot of word choices and thus meanings that you wouldn't be immediately drawn to. However...

If the form/rhythm you are using is causing you to be more vague and less specific, and making you take a step back rather than a step forward from your original idea, then i think it is a problem. Sure, rhythm has an aesthetic value, but let's forget about that for a moment. The form of the poem you are using should not cause you to be constrained, or confined. I believe, rather, that it should cause you to go further, and more in depth with your ideas - or, at the least, start offering you new ideas.


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