He didn't.

Personally:

I'm not a huge fan of the mythology your using. That's a personal thing though so don't pay attention to it. The introduction was eh. It reminds me of any story and by that I don't mean it's cliche or over used but it's where it should be. Just average. A bit between the drug smuggling and Patrick dying was probably the highlight of this story. When the whole "Last second save by (who i assume is going to be hero-sidekick-like) random person" happened made me star to cringe. Then when you introduced the academy I was in full blown cringe fetal position. It has potential if you take out the academy and stick to living in present time and have a huge part still in the real world. MORE GORE PLZ.

I like Patrick dying among a few other things but I would like to see Tim's (pansie name tbh) feelings towards the event. From that we can learn if he is like really emotional or if he's one of those "empty eyes with a blank stare" type of heros. Like I said it's all IMO.

Lock this. It's clear that no one gives a shit about my shit. (Which is as it should be.)

EDIT: Actually, I'd prefer if you deleted this topic instead of locking it.

Post has been edited 1 time(s), last time on Dec 31 2009, 6:29 am by TassadarZeratul.

This is now revived. Expect a total rewrite in a few days.

Norm, do NOT comment on the rewrite.

I assume you're basing it off of Rick Riordan's The Lightning Thief series? The first few paragraphs made that really obvious.

etc.

Not much for originality, but this could go somewhere.

No, I'm not. It's especially obvious in the rewrite.

Plus, after someone (Fatal?) mentioned that series, I looked into it and many major things are totally different. Once again, especially in the rewrite I'm working on.

I mentioned it T.T

Ain't no english literature expert, being a nasty sucker for english communication, but I found the intro fun and I wished I had more to read. I can be compared to the average SC player, too dumb to not lift a building or to use a factory spell system, but I really enjoyed the story.

I personally like the story...

Although i don't enjoy where it's going. The seemingly traditional "going to an academy" thing seems kind of used. It would have been cool if you had taken a different route, such as him attempting to hunt down the monster who killed his friend or something.

For example (and i really dont like using this, but it works), In the anime Bleach, the main character from the beginning of the story seems like he will eventually go to the "academy". However, he actually winds up fighting against it, which makes the story much more interesting.