Staredit Network > Forums > Media, Art, and Literature > Topic: Poseidon (poem/lyrics)
Poseidon (poem/lyrics)
Aug 11 2009, 6:27 pm
By: JaFF  

Aug 11 2009, 6:27 pm JaFF Post #1



I wrote a mysterious, creepy and intimidating instrumental which I like very much. It suddenly gave me inspiration to write the lyrics for it. Although the result doesn't fit the song at all insome places, I guess it is something that fits the mood of the song and offers some food for thought, hopefully. Treat is as an independent poem if you wish. Enjoy:

A ship is made
For stormy seas
Not stillness of
Serenity

Don’t be afraid
To suffer cold
When all you feel
Cannot unfold

Accept this state
And venture on
To find a place
Of graceful storms

Do not accept
The calms He brings you
For all these gifts
Are made to lean you

Don’t bite His bait
But grab the hunter
He’ll show the way
To those who hunger...

And then you’ll please
Our God – Poseidon

(the song becomes faster and more energetic here)

Old hopes He'll bring
Right to your feet
But you’ll reject them
Just like your dreams

The sea of fate
He’ll offer you
You will accept it
And then turn...

To waves, to storm
To cold and fog
You will become
What you have fought

And then you’ll sit
Upon His throne
Alas, in there
You’ll be alone



None.

Aug 11 2009, 11:22 pm Vrael Post #2



I feel as if there is something meant to be tied together by this, but has some loose ends. The first instance of this appears here:

Quote
When all you feel
Cannot unfold
Its meaning seems ambiguous to me. Is it meant to imply that the feelings are meaningless, or there is a block against feeling, or the feelings themselves are underdeveloped?

Quote
Are made to lean you
"lean" feels a bit out of place. I'm pretty sure you mean "bend" by it, but perhaps a synonym for bend would be more appropriate since lean typically isn't used in this manner (in my experience at least, but maybe I'm wrong)

Also I would say not to use capitalized "He" and "His" in reference to Posiedon, simply because that's typically used in reference to the Christian God, and despite the title, the first time I read it I thought there may have been some clash coming between christianity and posiedon or something.

Quote
Old hopes He'll bring
Right to your feet
But you’ll reject them
Just like your dreams
By this point in the poem I still don't really know anything about what could be the "Old Hopes". Am I dense, or is this a valid critique? :D Also, I don't know why "reject them just like your dreams" is significant to the reader, who is presumably taking on some persona by this point.

Quote
You will become
What you have fought
What are we fighting again?

I would like to hear the music that goes with this :)



None.

Aug 12 2009, 12:20 am Norm Post #3



It would make a good Metal song. Are you any good at Death Growling?



None.

Aug 12 2009, 4:35 am Dapperdan Post #4



Quote
Also I would say not to use capitalized "He" and "His" in reference to Posiedon, simply because that's typically used in reference to the Christian God, and despite the title, the first time I read it I thought there may have been some clash coming between christianity and posiedon or something.

I'd leave it capitalized. You can use capitalization however you want. The only thing is that at first I just thought you were refering to "God" and instead you were just refering to Poseidon. Either way it works. The point is your capitalizing for a god figure.

Quote
By this point in the poem I still don't really know anything about what could be the "Old Hopes". Am I dense, or is this a valid critique? Also, I don't know why "reject them just like your dreams" is significant to the reader, who is presumably taking on some persona by this point.

You're dense.

The bigger issue is the ambiguity of "He'll bring right to your feet". And I think you're misunderstanding his use of 'you' here and who is being addressed. It's not in particular to the reader, at least from what I gather. The line is significant as any other - I don't see why you would see otherwise.

Though I might suggest to JaFF that he reconsider the use of second person in the song as it may not fit best here. I would say to try out third person and see how it works.

Quote
To waves, to storm
To cold and fog

You will become
What you have fought

Quote from Vrael
What are we fighting again?

Read the stanza. It makes perfect sense.

I'll get back to this later jaff, for now I just wanted to play off what advice Vrael was trying to offer. Overall I'm not a big fan. It doesn't really strike me lyrically. Though it may work well with a song.

The thing is, though, that you can't really expect great work from your first attempt. It takes a while to get a hang of it and this is probably a pretty good effort considering that, as i do think the ideas have potential.



None.

Aug 12 2009, 3:37 pm JaFF Post #5



Vrael, you set a few good questions. I guess I should just explain what I was thinking of when writing the lyrics. It's about the search for freedom and what it brings. I'll go over it in stanzas and explain what I meant. Then, perhaps, you guys will help me improve it.

Collapse Box


Post has been edited 1 time(s), last time on Aug 12 2009, 10:23 pm by JaFF.



None.

Aug 12 2009, 9:58 pm Dapperdan Post #6



I'm annoyed that you're trying to tell us exactly what you were trying to say with everything. That kinda skews one's perception and critique of it and i kinda don't want to read it.



None.

Aug 12 2009, 10:33 pm JaFF Post #7



Quote from Dapperdan
I'm annoyed that you're trying to tell us exactly what you were trying to say with everything. That kinda skews one's perception and critique of it and i kinda don't want to read it.
I did it because I don't think I've expressed my ideas clear enough. Perhaps someone will have some ideas/suggestions based on my thoughts. I'll put it into a collapse box. If you feel like it, compare what you thought with what I thought...

Sorry if I kinda ruined the fun. I'll make sure to explain only the stuff people are confused by in the future, not the whole thing.

Post has been edited 1 time(s), last time on Aug 13 2009, 12:15 am by JaFF.



None.

Aug 13 2009, 8:31 pm Dapperdan Post #8



Quote from JaFF
Quote from Dapperdan
I'm annoyed that you're trying to tell us exactly what you were trying to say with everything. That kinda skews one's perception and critique of it and i kinda don't want to read it.
I did it because I don't think I've expressed my ideas clear enough. Perhaps someone will have some ideas/suggestions based on my thoughts. I'll put it into a collapse box. If you feel like it, compare what you thought with what I thought...

Sorry if I kinda ruined the fun. I'll make sure to explain only the stuff people are confused by in the future, not the whole thing.

Well, you can do whatever you want or think is best. This is just my personal opinion/policy. I'll get around to helping further eventually, regardless.



None.

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