I quickly free-styled this poem into notepad in one minute, just for the sakes of it:
Whilst birds sing,
A few clouds,
And not much wind,
A summers day,
"Perfect" you say?
"Well how do you figure?"
I ask the dark figure,
"Your day is not grey",
He replies with a snigger,
So then I consider,
Could he be right,
That this day is no night,
That happiness appears,
When left with no fears,
Of lies and deceit,
Or people who cheat,
Yes I think he could be,
So I walk over to see,
Who this mystery could be,
Only to find it's mirror,
And the reflection is me.
I think it has a pretty bad structure but I like the split kind of personality in the character.
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Rather strange, I almost feel like it needed an introduction or something beforehand.
It also seemed like a nice day, but felt rather sad.
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That's kinda how I feel right now lol...
Each day is just a good day, sunny, good times with friends, everything is perfect, except im not really happy, but if I went into why I wasn't happy, i'd be going into my personal life, which doesn't really need to be done, any further then I already have
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Yeah Iunno, took me one minute, im happy
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You know what else sucks my left nut... your mother
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The first four lines don't rhyme, which threw me off a bit. The poem overall has good rhyme and rhythm. I like to continue to use the same rhyme line-pattern throughout a poem, though, where you have a rhyme then you move to another rhyme (ex. AA, then BB, then CC, then DD, etc) so you don't end up using the same words over and over.
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I usually do:
AABB
ABAB
ABABC
So for once I just decided to free-verse and just write whatever, didn't really think it would make sense, but whatever
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It's already been decided. Hope you n isat work it out
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For as much spontaneity as you claim, it's impressive.
Better than any poems I've written. =P
'Course, I usually seem to be looking at different things than most...
Only thing that stands out much, to me, is that line 5 could use an extra syllable, and... I don't know, something about line 6.
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Lol, I didn't time it exactly, but I would say one minute could even be a little too long.
I could improve it a whole lot, but I think that would take away the purpose of this poem, like there's no embedded meaning, just it was fun for me to do, and even if critics do not like my poem, I enjoy it and so that's the purpose of it really O.O!
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Enjoyed it. I like it's imperfections, it shows spontaneity. More like this?
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I got a ton of poems spread out amongst the Creativity forums.
I was thinking about making one thread that I can update everytime I make a new poem, that way I can keep it all together...
I may be doing that sometime soon, depends if people really plan on reading it or not...
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