Critique me
Dec 13 2012, 7:29 am
By: LoveLess  

Dec 13 2012, 7:29 am LoveLess Post #1

Let me show you how to hump without making love.

For some reason I have felt like writing again. I was never good at it, but it helps when my mind is racing.

As we dig out towards space
Growing ever closer to reaching the stars
Sparking this interest that goes beyond any one race
Without end, pouring in countless hours
In the hope of that one great discovery
Something greater than ourselves
For some, to defy the tutelage of any monastery
While most, just want to find those unforeseen conclaves
Cluttered with unknowns
No matter how foreign or majestic
This drive that is engraved into our bones
Leaving us into a state that is nothing but caustic

Now all you need to do is help it to catch fire
Let that deep-down desire burn freely
Watch it grow into something we can admire
Something that we leave behind for our children to experience compulsively


Dec 13 2012, 8:31 am jjf28 Post #2

Cartography Artisan

C monastery doesn't quite rhyme with discovery
D nor does conclaves to ourselves
H almost rhymes with majestic


Not bad, love the opening imagery, but if you ask me the slight errors in your rhyming scheme are holding it back.

TheNitesWhoSay - Clan Aura - github

Reached the top of StarCraft theory crafting 2:12 AM CST, August 2nd, 2014.

Dec 13 2012, 3:38 pm Fire_Kame Post #3

wth is starcraft

Oooo I love poems with imagery. The rhyme scheme didn't bother me, but I'm not as literal or into the technical aspects of it....I think loose rhyming opens the poem up to better interpretation.

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