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TZ got bored and wrote a shitty story
Dec 28 2009, 2:34 am
By: Biophysicist  

Dec 28 2009, 2:34 am Biophysicist Post #1



So I got bored on a five-hour car ride and wrote a shitty story and decided to post it on SEN to make people's eyes bleed from the sheer awefulness of it. It's far from complete, of course: I didn't even get started on the main plot.

Here it is:


Let me tell you something: A son of Morpheus is something you should be glad you aren't. Morpheus's kids are high enough up the divine ladder that they share all demigods' tendency to attract monsters, but they lack the defenses of other gods' children. Most monsters are immune to sleep, after all, and sleep is Morpheus's strong suite. So really the only ability we have is the divine magic missiles all demigods have access to, and those aren't that useful.

Notice my choice of pronoun. I used the first person plural, which indicates that the person speaking is included in the group in question. In other words, I'm a son of Morpheus, if you couldn't figure it out.

Enough complaining about my ancestry. All of us demigods have problems, not just Dad's kids. You might be wondering "How would kids of Zeus or someone have problems? They could just zap their problems with lightning!" And to an extent that's true. At least, it's true for small problems. However, our divine powers aren't that useful against our biggest problems. By that, I mean the monsters. Everything from cyclopses to the Minataur to - my personal "favorite" - hydras are all out to kill us, usually in grisly, painful, or downright weird ways. Almost as bad as the monsters is the fact that normal humans can't see them. This means that if one of us is fighting a monster, to everyone else it will look like the demigod in question is blowing stuff up with a flamethrower. (That's usually how mortals see our energy blasts.) As a result of this, we have to stay away from mortals as much as possible. This is pretty hard in New York City, which is where most of us live as it's near the main enterance to Olympius, so most of us sleep during the day and only come out at night. Because of this, it's hard for us to get a job. I am an example of this: There are very few night jobs that would take a fifteen-year-old kid, after all.

Don't feel too sorry for me, though. I have been able to find work, of a sort: Myself and Patrick, a son of Hermes, run weapons and drugs for several gangs. It's a pretty good partnership: His ancestral sneakyness and my sleep powers mean that no one ever comes close to catching us.

We are coming back from a smuggling job late at night when this story begins.

"Tim", my partner says, "I smell trouble."

This is not good. "Trouble" is our code for "monsters".

"Lots of trouble", he continues.

"What kind?", I ask.

"The kind with more legs than eyes."

Cyclopses. I hate those things. Even more sleep-resistant than most monsters, and with brains too small for Patrick's trickery to work on, they pose quite a threat. Even a hydra is easier to deal with than a few cyclopses.

"Hades", I mutter.

The two of us carefully walk away from where Patrick smells the cyclopses. Unfortunately, they are faster than us. Soon, we find ourselves face-to-face with three rather hungry-looking one-eyed trolls.

Hades, this is going to hurt.

The two of us run. Or in Patrick's case, try to. He trips on something and can't get up in time. One of the cyclopses steps on him, and I hear his skull shatter.

Fortunately for me, Patrick's death serves to distract the one-eyed freaks for a few seconds. With a small expenditure of will, I launch a blast of grey energy at one of them. It nails him squarely in the eye. The now-blind abomination howls in agony and begins chasing me. Normally, I couldn't hope to outrun an enraged one-eye, but this guy can't see me. I duck into a side street and he runs past, then hits a brick wall, which collapses on top of him.

One down, two to go.

I estimate that my odds of survival are roughly fifteen thousand to one against. Still, this is better than a minute ago, when they were twenty thousand to one.

I still don't like those odds. I like them even less when the cyclops I had blinded gets up from under the wall. He's not dead yet, apparently.

I say a silent prayer to the various gods, asking to make my death peaceful.

Right as I'm about to meet Chiron, a total deus ex machina happens. A pink inferno comes sweeping down the street, consuming the two intact cyclopses. I hear a female voice shout, "Get him while he's distracted!"

I lob another divine missile at the blinded 'clops. It hits somewhere no male wants to be hit. A third missile is enough to finish the job. By this point, the blaze has dimmed down to a small ember, which quickly goes out.

I look around for the source of the fire and the voice. It doesn't take long to find it. Said source is an Asian girl of about my own age. She is wearing, oddly enough, a pink dress, which comes down to about her knees and is embellished with blue Greek text.

"Hi, I guess. Thanks for the save.", I say.

"Don't mention it. Rescuing demigods in distress is my job.", the girl responds.

"So, daughter of Hephaestus? Or maybe Ares?", I ask.

"Both wrong. Hecate. Hence the pink fire and the pink clothes", is her reply.

I never knew that Hecate likes pink. Then again, I barely know anything about the gods, what with the whole growing-up-on-the-streets thing. Being a teenage drug runner doesn't give one much time to study mythology. All I know about Hecate is she's the goddess of magic and Circe's mom. (Come to think of it, how do I even know that?)

"Makes as much sense as anything." I pause. "So, how'd you find us?"

""Us?' I only see one of you.", she says.

I take a deep breath. "My friend was with me. He was a son of Hermes. One of the 'clopses stepped on him."

She replies, "I wouldn't worry too much. Hades has mellowed out a lot since the old times. He's even let Tantalus go. I know you're a drug runner, so I can assume your friend was, too. A while ago that would have gotten you sent to the Fields of Punishment, but now you have a choice of going to Asphodel or being reborn."

That's news.

"Anyway", she continues, "I found you by following the stories of police falling asleep on the job while tracking certain known drug trafficking routes. Once we had established that there was a son of Morpheus on the loose, it was easy enough for me to track you by astraplaning."

"Astraplaning?", I ask. "And who's 'we'?"

"Astraplaning", the girl says, "is when you listen to the Astral Plane for specific divine harmonics. As for who 'we' are, I'd have to show you. But first, I don't think I've introduced myself. My name is Erica Watanabade. What's yours?"

"Timothy Roberts", I reply. "Now show me whatever it is you're going to show me."

Erica giggles. "Impatient, much? But, sure." She snaps her fingers and a pink ring of fire materializes in the road in front of us. I look at it apprehensively.

"Go on, walk into it."

I frown, sigh, and comply, in that order. Them I gasp.

I am suddenly standing in front of a massive medieval castle. Erica appears next to me.

"Do you like it?", she asks.

"Erica, what in Hades is going on?"

"Welcome to Olympius Academy, Tim.", she says.

I wonder aloud what this place is, and how we got here. Erica decides to answer my questions in reverse order.

"We got here by gating through the Astral Plane. Gating, by the way, is demigod-speak for teleporting. One of Hecate's kids' main abilities. As for what this place is, it's basically a boarding school for our kind. It's also going to be your new home, assuming you want it to be. If not, I'll gate you right back to New York, and you can go back to smuggling drugs."

Seems like a pretty obvious choice. "What about tuition?", I ask.

"Well, most of us are homeless for various reasons. The most common one is that monsters keep showing up and attacking our homes and, well, you get the idea. So, they have other ways to pay for your stay. You could take out a loan, do what I did and join the search teams or something, get a scholarship, or any number of other things. Or you can contact your mortal parent and ask them to pay for you, though usually that isn't an option."

"It's not. Mom got eaten by a hydra", I say bluntly.

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. If you want, tomorrow I can get one of the Hades kids to check up on her."

An interesting offer, but I decline. "It would just make things harder. For both of us.", I explain.

"Well, if you ever change your mind, let me know, okay?"

"Okay."

"Well, let's enter", she says.


Gogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogo bash it/me!

Post has been edited 1 time(s), last time on Dec 28 2009, 2:35 am by TassadarZeratul. Reason: You lose The Game.



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Dec 28 2009, 2:44 am Norm Post #2



Great, Generic kid of celebrity story meets Harry Potter.



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Dec 28 2009, 2:49 am Biophysicist Post #3



Quote from Norm
Great, Generic kid of celebrity story meets Harry Potter.
Uhm, I'm having some trouble understanding you, but I was able to figure out that you are calling my story generic. I'd just like to say that this will be far from your generic fantasy story: It won't have any huge epic quests to save the world. It will just be about the ordinary lives of some unusual people.



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Dec 28 2009, 3:11 am Norm Post #4



Quote from name:TassadarZeratul
Quote from Norm
Great, Generic kid of celebrity story meets Harry Potter.
Uhm, I'm having some trouble understanding you, but I was able to figure out that you are calling my story generic. I'd just like to say that this will be far from your generic fantasy story: It won't have any huge epic quests to save the world. It will just be about the ordinary lives of some unusual people.

It's been done before. I feel as if I've read the same introductory chapter (or saw in a cartoon) at least 10 times.



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Dec 28 2009, 4:08 am Biophysicist Post #5



Someone lock this. I'm giving up.



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Dec 28 2009, 4:23 am Fire_Kame Post #6

wth is starcraft

Well I think parts of it create interesting context, and this story definitely looks like it has more potential to be plot driven instead of character driven, which I like. If I ignore a few grammatical/style issues, I'd say you have a pretty solid start. I would think again about your characters names. I don't think a god would name their son Patrick, but I could be wrong.




Dec 28 2009, 4:24 am Biophysicist Post #7



... I already said I gave up, Kame.



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Dec 28 2009, 4:25 am Fire_Kame Post #8

wth is starcraft

You really shouldn't listen to Norm. Honsetly, every story has been done a million times. I described a story by Mercedes Lackey to my boyfriend in broad strokes, and he thought that was a Harry Potter knock off.




Dec 28 2009, 4:26 am Doodle77 Post #9



Quote from name:TassadarZeratul
Someone lock this. I'm giving up.
Stop being such a defeatist.



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Dec 28 2009, 4:27 am Biophysicist Post #10



It's not just Norm. See shoutbox.



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Dec 28 2009, 4:43 am ClansAreForGays Post #11



Don't listen to norm, you should keep going, and I think you have talent. The half-god and half-demon thing is done a lot because IT IS COOL. There's nothing wrong with you wanting to use what everyone else gets to. The only thing I think hurts you the most is actually your timing. There's a less-dark Disney movie coming out that does half of what you're doing.

I really do think you have talent. Your intro wasn't bad, the lore references didn't go over my head, and you kept a very good pace. There was always something new happening, and I never felt let I was being treated to filler.

I think you should finish this. You really did take the creative route when you didn't make him the son of zeus or some other super important god. You can really play the under dog angle, and Morpheus is such an obscure god that people won't already know what's coming in the future as the character gets more in touch with his heritage.

I also think it's funny that norm- wants to kill it with fire, when it's better than most of the back stories for his hero sanctuary characters.

Things that you are better than in the first 3 pages:
http://www.staredit.net/topic/9243/
http://www.staredit.net/topic/8738/
http://www.staredit.net/topic/8780/ (lol irony)
http://www.staredit.net/topic/2206/

That's actually pretty much every short story that was wrote. The list would have been shorter if I just noted the ones that are better.

Post has been edited 1 time(s), last time on Dec 28 2009, 4:54 am by ClansAreForGays.




Dec 28 2009, 5:09 am CecilSunkure Post #12



Don't rely on the support of others to pursue whatever it is you want to.

A great misunderstanding of art is that many people believe that the only great art is original. The truth is, taking someone else's art and making it your own can be just as rewarding.

Originality and originality alone shouldn't be chased after.

Just do whatever you want to do most and do it as best you can. People who start revolutions, lead masses of people, create new genres, they usually aren't people trying to do those things, they are usually people just doing whatever they are passionate about. What I'm getting at is: the strive for originality almost always ends up in inherent failure.

If you want to write, and you enjoy writing, keep writing and trying to improve your writing. Don't rely on other people liking your work to continue, just do whatever you are passionate about and enjoy doing.



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Dec 28 2009, 1:05 pm Biophysicist Post #13



@CAFG, Kame, Cecil: You (and Moose over MSN) have convinced me to keep going. Thanks.

@Kame: I disagree about the name thing. The story is set in modern times, after all.



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Dec 28 2009, 3:10 pm Magicide Post #14

Sleeping wolves wake hungry.

Present tense still sucks.




Dec 28 2009, 3:14 pm OlimarandLouie Post #15



OlimarandLouie still thinks everyone should speak in third person. Even in real life.

Otherwise great story! MC˛TassadarZeratul has talent! And again, don't listen to Norm.



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Dec 28 2009, 3:31 pm Magicide Post #16

Sleeping wolves wake hungry.

Quote from OlimarandLouie
And again, don't listen to Norm.

That too. Norm is always on your back, he should step the fuck off already.

I read it, and it's not too bad. Just the present tense thing puts me off.




Dec 30 2009, 1:46 am Biophysicist Post #17



Rewrite tiem. Don't bother posting any feedback until I finish the rewrite, unless it's really general.

Post has been edited 2 time(s), last time on Dec 30 2009, 3:31 am by TassadarZeratul. Reason: The Game.



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Dec 30 2009, 3:45 am Rainah Post #18



Sorry bro, I really didn't like it. It's cliche and boring and not written very well. Maybe it's done well given your experience, but I am very picky and I really just didn't like it at all. First person usually does suck anyways. I disapprove of the obvious plug of yourself in the story as well, short as it may have been. It reminds me of bad fanfic and Twilight. And the boarding school thing, it's too much like Harry Potter/X-Men for me.

Notice my choice of pronoun. I used the first person plural, which indicates that the person speaking is included in the group in question. In other words, I'm a son of Morpheus, if you couldn't figure it out.

No. Just, no. I don't even know what else to put here, but that's my feedback right now.



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Dec 30 2009, 6:29 am ClansAreForGays Post #19



Ugh, I didn't think you'd actually listen to them when they told you to change the tense. You really have a nack for taking bad advice :><:
All the "I said", "She said", "then I asked", is terribly distracting and unnecessary. Stay true to yourself and keep it the way you imagined it in your head




Dec 30 2009, 10:10 am UnholyUrine Post #20



I stopped reading after "a son of Morpheus" :D



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