It was very early in the morning from what I could see, Maybe two after meridian. My clothes had various holes in them where embers had lit them and burned through. I was hot and tired, my practice had potentially drained me. My black hair was fringed, I had burn marks on my face and hands. Sweat trickled down my forehead from the intense heat of the fire in front of me. Concentrating hard I had created a small swirling ball of red and orange flame, embers shooting out around it. The ball of flame rested just above cool lake water in front of me. My eyes were stinging, I was burned and tired. But the determination to keep trying kept me going. I knew I could only survive one or two more attempts at this ability. It was one of my families basic elements, Fire. The ball of fire swirled around for a few more seconds and died leaving only a column of smoke floating up into the air.
This was my last try before I couldn’t handle any more, I knew it. It was time to try the hardest I’d ever had. My body told me to stop, but my mind kept me going. I raised my hands once more and spoke “Fire Element: Inferno!” as I finished the words I concentrated hard on the area in front of me, focusing all of my energy once more into a ball of swirling flame. This time the ball was bigger, it was giant. Hot embers flew onto my shirt and began burning a new hole in it, I continued to concentrate and keep the fire in place. Soon it died, and my vision was blurry. My body allowed me enough time to catch my breath before making me black out onto the dock and rest. Later that morning, I awoke in my bed. My bones were aching, and my eyes still stung from the sweat before. The sun was shining through my window into my room, blinding me for a few moments before my eyes adjusted. I looked around and say my mother looks at me, her long dark brown hair around her shoulders and her hazel eyes gleaming. She had a glass of ice cold apple juice and a plate of freshly made toast with butter melted into it with her. “How are you feeling honey? I found you out on the docks this morning all burned up.” She handed me the glass of apple juice which I reluctantly took and began taking large gulps to soothe my dry mouth and throat. “I’m okay mom, But I need to talk to dad, I’ve finally mastered our families fire element! I’m dying to show him.” I set down the apple juice on my night stand as she handed me the plate of toast. “Okay honey, I’ll go get him. He’s out on the porch.” She walked out of my room and I picked up a piece of toast taking a bite out of it, tasting the delicious melted butter and warm bread made some of my energy come back. By the time I finished the second piece of toast my mom walked in with my father, who was smiling at me. “So Katashi, you have finally mastered our Fire Element?” I set the plate aside and got up. “Yes father! I’m dying to show you. Come on!” I raced outside to the docks, waiting for him to come. He walked out of the house and made his way towards the docks, still wearing his morning robes. His black hair was still in a mess from bed. My father came up to the docks and stood behind me, I raised my hands and spoke “Fire Element: Inferno!” and concentrated hard again. The large ball of swirling red and orange flame formed again above the chilly lake water, this time the heat was more intense because of the sun. The hot embers flew around, and soon the fire died leaving a column of smoke rising from the waters surface. I turned around and looked at my dad, waiting for his response. He looked at me and smiled, “Very good, but you still have to master the other three elements, plus learn more complex techniques with the Fire Element.” He was pleased with me, I could tell. But I knew this was a simple technique and the other elements would be much harder, But I was still happy. “Keep practicing, Katashi. You’ll be better than me, I know it.” And with that he walked back to the house sipping his coffee. Still tired, I rested on the docks thinking about my next element I was going to learn. Earth, That was the one. Every great Elementalist needed a defensive technique, and Earth would be perfect. I got up and started my way to the field. When I finally got there it looked to be eleven after meridian. Standing in the field my practice began. My hands rose, and I spoke “Earth Element: Rock Wall!” as the words left my mouth and I concentrated on the ground in front of me, the earth shook slightly and soil began building up and turning into hard rock. It slowly formed, soon becoming a large barrier of rock and hard soil. I had done it, the first step to a powerful defensive technique.


Fire Element - Inferno


Definitions


Notes


THIS STORY IS A WORK IN PROGRESS! NOT YET FINISHED!
EDITS HAVE BEEN MADE

Post has been edited 9 time(s), last time on Oct 8 2009, 12:46 am by Lord Malvanis.

If your goal for this story is to "make something exactly like naruto" you nailed it tiger!

But I still enjoy reading this than the lyrics people post, so keep going.

There's a few errors here and there, and I'd revise this sooner or later. As for the story...

It sounds a lot like a report rather than a story. Maybe it's just the numerous 'I's everywhere, but considering it to be in 1st person... I would reexamine the order of things; it appears chaotic in flow. The story idea is pretty interesting, though. This section seems like it'd be better not as the start of the story, but a little later on. Perhaps you give a bit more description of things here and there. Also, for being one of the hardest arts of the family, don't you think it'd take more effort than that? Unless it's not really that powerful of an art, or there's still stronger arts for that matter... I guess I won't know until I know

TL;DR: Try to reduce your use of I (as much as this is 1st person), and add a bit more description; definitely flesh out Katashi some more, make him something... well, cool, for the lack of better words! I want to see how this story does progress, and I want to see your writing improve as well.

EDIT: And yes, I do know it's a WIP

Thank you for the reply Greo! I know I'm bad with the I's, its just a bit late. I'll definitly get extremely descriptive after I revise and edit a little. Yes, the story is in 1st person, but I don't see how this sounds like a report?
And when he says "The hardest art in the family" hes basically describing it as hard for him, I will reveal his age after some edits and things to show why its so hard for him. There are much stronger arts, ones that can even cause a state of half-death if used improperly, so this is pretty basic. And once again, thank you for the reply. I was really wanting some good criticism and I got it from you.

EDIT: Damn typos..

Introductions for "I'm a person who can do magic" stories are rough. Congrats on making it through. It is interesting enough to make me want to see your next addition. I cannot say much more than that based on how little you have progressed with the story so far.

Well if you ever feel like doing something original, and want to see how other people have successfully pulled it off - http://ladyjaida.deviantart.com/art/Master-of-Ravens-29500735

Maybe it's just the first paragraph of the story, but...

It sounds a lot like

Rather than

Of course, I can't match your style of writing, but this is how I'd write it out. Whether it's better or not, well, that's up to you to decide.

Man, you make me want to start writing again!

I like the Raven story.

Whatever you do, don't read the last paragraph.

You make me want to read it >.<

Do it, you won't regret it... unless you read that last paragraph.

Also, don't read it now because you won't be able to stop reading it till you're done.

I've just read it and I don't understand what your thing with the last paragraph is about. It wasn't too intriguing; it was interesting, yes, but I suspect your saying I wouldn't regret it made me expect something out of it that wasn't there.

As for the story that this article is about- there isn't much to comment on. A kid does some magic, his parents are proud and he feels good about himself. All I can say is that your writing seems puerile.

[quotename Kaias]All I can say is that your writing seems puerile.[/quote]
I don't see whats childish or immature about this story, Kaias. Maybe you can elaborate on how it is "puerile".

I don't see whats childish or immature about this story, Kaias. Maybe you can elaborate on how it is "puerile".[/quote]

I actually get the same feeling. As if this were his first attempt at writing a story. It seems immature in the way that it lacks personalization, or seems to imitate an ideal example that the author has in mind, rather than making the work his own.

Edits have been made, beginning of the story completely reworded and more added to it.

Sounds better. Still a few grammar errors here and there, but not obvious ones at least. Much more descriptive, but I got this feeling it's overly descriptive. Maybe it's just me. Pretty funny how a lot of emphasis is placed on the Inferno, but it's ignored with a single sentence by Katashi's father, who places more emphasis on every art and even Katashi says it's a simple art, even though he could've died trying to learn it.

I think it needs some work in the structure department. If it's a tough art, make it sound tough and look tough. If it's not, then don't make it sound so tough.

This doesn't make sense.

Author, May I suggest reading additional fiction novels from various other authors to get some influence and direction in your writing?

I think that's more the problem. He's read/seen too much Naruto, and it's bleeding through is writing.

Which is why he should read material from various other authors to help him shape his technique. I can definitely see a naruto tone to this, as it is very kid friendly, not so serious.

Author, there is a book that I forgot the name of that teaches you about literature techniques, you should familiarize yourself with them.