am i holding you too tight, your breathing shallowly, and your scaring me

what did i do to deserve this love, what did i do to deserve this

i'm telling everybody about you cause im sick of hearing about me and it's true i told your secrets to the world

and let them spill like you were cut open on a table and left to bleed to death, a scar that will never heal take your final breath

now i'm slowly taking time to rid myself of you, god what you put me through, now i can finally sleep at night, now i can finally sleep and decide what to do with the words that were said, bottle them up or leave them for dead

Post has been edited 1 time(s), last time on Apr 11 2009, 9:27 pm by ToA.

Is my embrace too tight, your breathings getting shallow
Is my nature smothering you, will you be leaving by tomorrow

What did I do to deserve this love, oh love, what did I do

Every time I'm talking about you, it's to keep the conversation off of me
Turns out carrying around your secrets was getting too heavy

So they spilled, you were slashed and left to bleed out
It'll never heal, while you take your last breath, I've settled the last doubt

And each night I'm picking apart my soul, removing any trace
Going through each memory, removing your face

With your absence in my dreams, I can finally sleep
With the words said and done, I no longer weep

A thousand goodbyes that never had to go through
Because I took the time to get rid of you

(Bound together)

Is my embrace too tight, your breathings getting shallow
Is my nature smothering you, will you be leaving by tomorrow

Oh love, oh star, can this be it
Now that I know what you are


Every time I'm talking about you, it's to keep the conversation off of me
(Turns out carrying around your secrets was getting too heavy)
Every time they asked about how we are doing, it's all the same
(Just so that I don't have to speak your name)
What did I do, to deserve loving, a creature like you
What did I do to deserve you loving me too

So I spilled, so what?
You're on the table showing your guts
At least now they know you for
Exactly what you are
Fucking whore

Every time I'm talking about you, it's to keep the conversation off of me
(Turns out carrying around your secrets was getting too heavy)
Every time they asked about how we are doing, it's all the same
(Just so that I don't have to speak your name)
What did I do, to deserve loving, a creature like you
What did I do to deserve you loving me too
What did I

Each night I'm picking apart my soul, removing any trace
Going through each memory, removing your face
They tell me time will heal all wounds, but guess what
I hope it's not true (I hope it's not true)
Because I don't want anything healing you

Every time I'm talking about you, it's to keep the conversation off of me
(Turns out carrying around your secrets was getting too heavy)
Every time they asked about how we are doing, it's all the same
(Just so that I don't have to speak your name)
With your absence in my dreams, I can finally sleep
With the words said and done, I no longer weep

You should consider arranging the sentences in an apropiate manner and use correct grammar, such as Ex did.

but how are the lyrics?

They're nice. Can be improved however, such as Ex demonstrated us... Complexity. Improves poetry in a great manner. That's what you need as I see it...

Look, arranging the sentences and using correct grammar will result in making your work look not only more professional, but will also please the readers sight, and make people take you more seriously...

Not necessarily. Not at all.


I like this idea.

"Am I holding you too tight? Your breathing is shallow and it scares me"


Holy cliche. Get rid of it.


Unnecessarily wordy. I like the idea though. You just need to cut out all these excess words and leave the meat of it. Otherwise the good details get caught up in all the mundane transitions. Consider something like this:

"I told the world your secrets // After collecting mine from the scummy streets."

O yeah. And sometimes I feel like your language is too simple. So I took some liberties with the second line. Sometimes simple is good, but I wasn't feeling it here. Especially when presented in such a manner, with no grammar, and more like a run on sentence than a line of poetry.


I like this idea too. Not much to edit.

"Let them spill like I cut you open // On the table and left to bleed to death // Scars that will never heal // (Prepare to) Take your final breath"

If you want to go with more of a metaphor rather than a simile (I think metaphors are usually stronger), consider something like this:

"(Thus) I've placed you on the table // Cut you open and left to bleed all over // A scar to lead you to your final breath // It will be a silent death."

Peronsally I like the latter way better. Probably because it was more of my own writing.


I don't like this section as much as the other three I said I liked. But it's alright... definitely has potential . . .

"And I'm slowly taking time to unshackle your chains // Though God blessed me with all your love and pain // Inching closer to lasting sleep each night // As I dream of all those words hostility said // As I hold them in a bottle in the alley // Unsure whether to take a sip or throw it away"

Would excessive simplicity do, as well?

Um. Maybe. I don't see your point. What I'm saying is that poetry does not need to be complex in phrasing or structure to be good. To say that making a poem more complex makes it better is a gross generalization. I don't disagree that it would be nice if Toa actually attempted to use correct English when he posted his lyrics though.

For what he is attempting to get to, I think it'd be quite an improvement. Complexity, that is.
I know the bands he listens to, and I can probably tell the way he looks up to them...