I realize that MCAT essays are held to a different standard than typical essays, but some of the fundamentals are still helpful. For example, you should start your essay with your definition of what you believe "True Leadership leads by example and not by command" means, as this will set up the rest of your essay. As it stands now, you just jump right into an example of leadership, but we're still not sure what you think the statement means. You can probably think about each of your paragraphs as addressing each line of the prompt. In your first paragraph, explain what you think the statement means. In the second paragraph, describe a specific situation in which true leaders lead by command rather than by example. In the third paragraph, discuss what you think determines when a leader should lead by example or by command. That should be the easiest way to go about it.
For the most part, my main advice is to elaborate on ideas and don't feel lik you have to stick to one example throughout the whole essay. That said, I'm going to try to focus on lines of this essay for basic corrections.
An educator's responsibilities are many, but the subject of how teachers should lead his/her students is often up for debate.
This isn't a very good sentence, and it seems forced. Keep it simple. "An educator has many responsibilities, but his or her methods of leading classes are often debateable". Also, use "or" instead of "/".
But many can agree that being a teacher means being a role model.
Don't start this sentence with "but". You just used "but" in the middle of the previous sentence.
Students look to you on how to act, how to behave, and how to express themselves.
Who is "you"? That seems like you're addressing the reader. Instead use "them" or "educators" or something. "On how to act" is also awkward. Maybe use "for guidance on how to act" instead.
Many, if not all, of these things can only be taught by example. Such as how an English teacher might deliver a rather exaggerated Shakespear monologue at the expense of his embarrasment, simply to show an example of how and why the students can be interested in outdated, and rather archaic languages.
Instead of "Many, if not all, of these things" just say "A majority of these things..." or what Lanth suggested. You can't start the next sentence with "Such as". "Such as" is a continuation of the prior sentence and needs to be treated as such. Frankly I'm not sure what the point of the sentence is, though. Where does the "embarrassment" come in? I don't really think you can do anything at the expense of embarassment. Maybe you're talking about humility, but then I have no idea what that has to do with reading Shakespeare. Structurally speaking, you could instead say, "An English teacher, for instance, might deliver an exaggerated Shakespearean monologue at the expense of his ego, simply to show an example of how and why the students can be interested in archaic language."
A teacher must be able to lead his/her students by example in order for them to understand people's ideals and opinions.
"His or her" agan. "Peoples'" not "people's". This sentence also feels like the start of an example, yet it ends a sentence. You're now mentioning ideals and opinions for the first time, but without any elaboration it comes out of nowhere. If this is supposed to relate to the point made in the prior sentence, I'm not seeing the correlation.
An educator must also be able to control and sometimes force his/her students.
"His or her" again. This sentence is somewhat incomplete. Force them to do what? It seems like this sentence should actually be after your reason for why being pushed is necessary.
Materials can be too overwhelming, or too abstract for teachers to really express by example. Students are expected to explore and learn material by themselves, but not everyone can be one hundred percent dedicated to all their subjects.
Don't use "one hundred percent" as that just sounds awkward. Use "completely" instead. Also gramatically "their subjects" is incorrect as "their" refers to "everyone" which is singular. But whatever.
A lot of the time, educators must force discipline via homework and tests in order to provide them with self-study material and truly gauge his/her students.
"His or her" again. I'd remove "A lot of the time" and start with "Educators". It gets to the point and sounds direct. I'd also change "force" to "enforce" and "via" to "with".
While many things can be taught and expressed by example, some problems and lessons can only be delivered by force. Lessons such as responsibility can only truly be understood by being put into situations that requires you to learn them.
This belongs in the paragraph about force. Now you have two paragraphs about the same thing. Also "Lessons such as responsibility" should probably be "A lesson like responsibility". "Lessons" makes me think you're going to mention more than one lesson, which you don't.
TL;DR:
- There are a lot of grammatical errors.
- There should be more elaboration of ideas. Every sample MCAT essay I've read puts effort into it rather than just making statements and leaving it at that.
- It seems like you skip the part where you need to write about what you think the phrase means and go straight to an example of leading by example and not command. The second paragraph goes into an example of leading by command, which is good, but is still relatively simplistic. Your last paragraph has 4 sentences, and it seems like none of them really address when a leader should lead by example or command (instead, it seems like you're talking about teachers who lead by example to command students, or something).
- You can use different examples to back it up. For example you could say that leading by example means that people uses their powers as rolemodels to influence their followers. As an example of one such rolemodel, you cound mention educators. Then you could go on to say that certain leaders in the past have ruled with strict command rather than by example, and then talk about Hitler or Machiavelli's "The Prince" or something. Finally you could go on to suggest that leading by example is important when teaching children morals and responsibility, as a parent or teacher would, while leading by command is useful when dealing with an unruly nation or maybe a small mob.
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