Frostbite
Jan 21 2012, 12:33 pm
By: ToA  

Jan 21 2012, 12:33 pm ToA Post #1

Que Sera, Sera.

It's almost a chill,
a body chill,
like a draft that bothers you,
but not enough to worry about.

A strong sense of confidence,
belief in yourself and endeavors yet to be,
words connect with ease,
thoughts flow with incredible accuracy,
any mistake is corrected in a short second
and it's existence is forgotten like a bad moment in your past.

Nervous energies,
focus, focus, focus,
project, projected,
understood,
and done.

It's a chill,
a sharp one,
now a stone,
worn out, in fear,
a fleeting feeling,
but it's not real.

It's a chill.




Jan 21 2012, 11:42 pm ClansAreForGays Post #2



Good. First time I've liked anything you've done.




Feb 17 2012, 3:30 pm Dapperdan Post #3



The fourth stanza/verse is by far the best.

The second stanza is wordy and lines 3-4 aren't that interesting. "In your past" is redundant.

Third stanza is my least favorite.

I would cut the second line of the first stanza.

I would get rid of the fifth stanza.

The more sparse and imagistic this poem is, the better it will work. Try cutting down on your adjectives.



None.

Options
  Back to forum
Please log in to reply to this topic or to report it.
Members in this topic: None.
[10:53 pm]
Oh_Man -- https://youtu.be/MHOZptE-_-c are yall seeing this map? it's insane
[2024-5-04. : 1:05 am]
Vrael -- I won't stand for people going around saying things like im not a total madman
[2024-5-04. : 1:05 am]
Vrael -- that's better
[2024-5-04. : 12:39 am]
NudeRaider -- can confirm, Vrael is a total madman
[2024-5-03. : 10:18 pm]
Vrael -- who says I'm not a total madman?
[2024-5-03. : 2:26 pm]
UndeadStar -- Vrael, since the ad messages get removed, you look like a total madman for someone that come late
[2024-5-02. : 1:19 pm]
Vrael -- IM GONNA MANUFACTURE SOME SPORTBALL EQUIPMENT WHERE THE SUN DONT SHINE BOY
[2024-5-02. : 1:35 am]
Ultraviolet -- Vrael
Vrael shouted: NEED SOME SPORTBALL> WE GOT YOUR SPORTBALL EQUIPMENT MANUFACTURING
Gonna put deez sportballs in your mouth
[2024-5-01. : 1:24 pm]
Vrael -- NEED SOME SPORTBALL> WE GOT YOUR SPORTBALL EQUIPMENT MANUFACTURING
[2024-4-30. : 5:08 pm]
Oh_Man -- https://youtu.be/lGxUOgfmUCQ
Please log in to shout.


Members Online: jjf28, Roy, RIVE