Trying to go for an "epic poem" feeling.

Tell me what you think of it, what's good/bad, what can be changed/fixed, etc.

-

Effulgent city
Radiance of gods
Immortals' metropolis
Holy and blessed

But incoming catastrophe
Discontent soul
In the mortal realm
To transcend his frame

In his sleep
In his dreamt realm
In his own territory
He shall construct an unimaginable weapon

The disgruntled soul
Trapped in a suffering frame
Forsaken by the gods
Vengeance incarnate

Cancerous body
Cancerous soul
Tumour of hatred
To be manifested

Heavenly city
Eternal residents
Peaceful, prosperous...
Pretentious pests!

How dare they look down
Upon this patient's patience!
Hellish hospital
Helpless healers

No one capable of curing him
No god to take pity upon him
Neglected and distraught
This soul enraged

Unimaginable weapon
Forged from mortal's fury
Wrathful relic
Wretched soul

Stairway to heaven
Opens up before him
Before man is paradise
Before him shall become hell

Deteriorating lights
Sewage overflowing
Rats invade
Immortal confusion

He comes
He comes
The mortal comes
He shall destroy all in his sleep

Gods in chaos
Falling city
Seas are heaving
The sky collapsing

Earth is ignited
Great conflagration
Immolated immortals
Incinerated innocents

Gods of chaos
Antagonized city
Falling fire
Ravaging revolution

The slaughter begins
A massacre of eternity
None shall survive
Lords of creation die

His weapon of will
Prolongs the carnage
The gods are butchered
Decapitation inevitable

Defenestrate them all
Send them flying through clouds
Their haven annihilated
Homeless and lifeless

Twitching limbs
Ashen ruins
Are all that remains
To accompany him

This is the end
Of fate-weaving demons
Witches and soothsayers
Given their graves

The soul is soothed
By the songs of vultures
As they feed upon corpses
And defecate over remains

His mission complete
Soul unites with body
Once more
But this is also his end

Though the soul is vindicated
The body still lies sick in bed
Soon it will be the end
For the weak mortal frame

The deed has been done
The gods have been slain
And now it is his turn
To be laid to rest

The mortal now dies
Given his grave
Left unvisited
For no family nor friends

Forever forgotten:
Godslayer.

Doesn't seem poetic at all.

I think you're right. There isn't much rhythm or rhyme to it.

ffff

Do you dis/like it?

You're really bad at doing hopelessness/depression/sad.

ffff

Okay, but I wasn't going for any of that in this one.

How do I write something (in general) so it is like that?

What does this and whatever I write when I'm going for the above sound like instead? Just bad? <-- where is sad face

Well, contradicting general population's opinions, writing good poems actually take a good amount of time. And since you're trying to relay an 'epic story' through a poem, a person I guess- then one suggestion is that you should tell it as if one was talking to the reader.
A poem doesn't necessarily have to be rhythmical in every word to be considered very poetic, but a good idea is to writing your poem down in free verses, then cutting it and changing it into rhymed verses one by one. It takes a long time yes. Also, it's more poetic when it's more 'tragic'.

You need to focus on structure... the ordering of the words you use and how they relate to the phrases around them, as well as syllables and other artifacts. Most of your poem is just... fragment after fragment using (sometimes) colorful language, and it's rather dull to read.

Try writing short poems. Like 4-8 lines, and packing as much symbolism and attention to detail as possible. Try and create a rhythm with the words that will cadence to a resolution (or irresolution if you see it fit, but it's probably best to stick with a resolution for now).

Post has been edited 1 time(s), last time on Aug 6 2011, 11:36 pm by TiKels.

I'll reflect on that. Thanks.