Quote from Sand Wraith
Read "Do something about it". Has potential.
IMO, there's too much tell, not enough show. Not enough anything. It has an interesting premise. Man that sees evil, literally.
IMO, there's too much tell, not enough show. Not enough anything. It has an interesting premise. Man that sees evil, literally.
Read this version of it:
Do Something About It v2
Every so often, he would glance at the woman in the back of the van. A beautiful red-haired girl lay slumped against one of the vehicle's walls. Though dressed modestly, her simple everyday-jeans showcased her slender figure, and her over sized hoodie failed to mask her heaving chest. At first he felt bad about what he did, but he had to knock her out.
He drove carefully through the street; one had to drive at a very precise speed to avoid attracting the attention of criminals or law enforcement. He didn't dare observe his surroundings; he kept his eyes on the road. People with wandering eyes often met a very grisly fate here. He was choosing a long, winding path; his priority was not a rapid arrival at his destination. He preferred to sacrifice speed in exchange for solitude, so he drove on roads that tended to have very little traffic; he knew that people were dangerous, and that it was better to avoid them as much as possible.
It was of critical importance that he find an isolated, secluded place, somewhere that people tended to avoid. Privacy and solitude were necessary for him to accomplish his goal. He chuckled to himself thinking of the ideas people would get seeing him right now. They would never guess him to be the good guy.
It was raining heavily, but he spotted not a single pedestrian wearing a raincoat or using an umbrella. Neither the people nor their accompanying evil seemed troubled by the downpour. Many of them seemed to be in denial, complaining about how blindingly bright and cloudless the sky was. It reminded him of a time months ago, when he'd seen a small girl -- no more than twelve years old -- stand and wait in the rain and bitter cold for several hours without displaying even the slightest bit of discomfort. He'd worried that she'd catch hypothermia, but nothing of the sort happened. She was perfectly fine. Eventually, however, bats began to encircle her. It was his first time seeing this type of Sign, so he didn't actually take it as one. When he saw what happened to her on the news, it was obviously too late.
But this time, he knew what the bats meant as they circled the redhead. He saw them several minutes before their hosts arrived on the scene. By the time the criminals had got there, he'd managed to find a tire iron. When they ambushed the woman in the alley, he made short work of most of them... but there might have been more nearby. The woman tried to run as well; a fast but light blow to the head curtailed the attempt. he had to do it - the bats were still around her! After that, he had to steal an unattended van, and in a city where the average citizen is too afraid to contact the authorities for any reason, such a task was ridiculously easy.
In the interest of maintaining their own physical safety, the helpless sheep in this city deliberately ignored crime and therefore evil. He, however, watched it, unafraid. He bore witness to the heartlessness of the criminals here. He'd watched such travesties for so long that he began to see evil itself. He could smell the sulfurous stench of sin as he drove through the city streets, and he could see the sickening spirits and shades of violence, rape, and death. He could see evil, and avoid it much more effectively than the sighted-yet-blind fools that called this city "home".
He was forced to observe evil day after day, and yet through willful ignorance, the average Joe was free to simply ignore it. So long as a person kept their head down, their eyes closed, and their mouth shut, they could remain safe and protected -- but he did not have that privilege. He had to watch the horrible things that people did to one another. He couldn't look away. The masses, the average ones, though, they could -- and he resented them for it. Furthermore, he believed that by looking the other way, these blind imbeciles condoned -- if not encouraged -- such horrors. It was that fact that had, years ago, turned his resentment into bitter hatred.
He resented the woman in the backseat of the van. He hated her. She was just another privileged, stupid fool. She knew nothing of evil. He had no sympathy for such people.
The sadists that had attacked the woman were members of an extremely ruthless street gang known for indiscriminate brutality and unprovoked attacks on women and children. By rescuing the woman -- and, more significantly, killing multiple members of this gang -- he had made her and himself targets. Had she managed to flee, the gang would have easily and quickly tracked her down, for she knew nothing of evil, and hence did not know how to hide from it.
He couldn't take her the police out of fear of what ideas they might have of him with an injured women he sort of kidnapped. He knew of a safe place where they could hide. It was an abandoned and dilapidated warehouse that he had stumbled upon eight months ago. It was a place devoid of human activity and hence of human evil. He planned to take the woman there, and keep her safe until she woke up and could tell him how to drive her home.
Taking her out of the car, he looked around to make sure they hadn't been followed. A smile briefly flashed across his face as he pictured what people would think if they saw him now, when it couldn't be more the opposite. Now looking down at her in his arms, he knew he underestimated just how attractive she was. While still unconscious being carried inside, she stirred a little relieving him that she was alright. A moan escaped her closed mouth has he set her on the floor, and her hand subconsciously grabbed his arm, sending a chill down his spine before she let go. He went around to secured the room, all the while glancing over at the girl. At first it was a look of love, but that quickly faded as the reality of the situation crept in. "She's going to freak out when she comes around. No 'thanks', just fear. She probably won't even remember exactly what happened, and blame me somehow. I had to do what I did! She's just like the rest of them, ignorant to the evil. It's not fair! She owes me for -" His train of thought is broken as bats begin to envelope the room. His instincts snap him back into that familiar, protective, state of mind. He runs to the window to see who has followed them, but how could they have? He was so careful! The empty landscape outside tells him that they weren't followed. He turns back in confusion. So it was just him and the redhead alone?
He begins to have ideas.
Posted this as creepypasta actually on /x/ the other night. Had good responses, but they kept asking to finish it with a detailed rape scene :{
http://waitbutwhy.com/2013/09/why-generation-y-yuppies-are-unhappy.html
"We're being taught to hate downwards"
"We're being taught to hate downwards"