I don't really care for this one. Usually your lyrics have much more interesting imagery and metaphors involved. Simple can be good, and I feel some of it works. However, overall, I think some of it is just subpar. It just doesn't strike me on a lot of accounts. Hm, the more I look at it tho, the more I feel like I might just really dislike the first verse. The third is kinda eh - but with the music it may work, as it may be more about the passion of it than the poetry of the words. And I do really really like the second stanza.
But uh, allow me to extrapolate:
I thought I was loved,
And maybe I was
I
really like these lines. (It's a strong base for a song, i might add)
Just not when it counted
Taking into account the shouting
And all of the doubting
Awkward phrasing ('just not when it counted taking into...'). Seemingly forced rhyming ('doubting', 'shouting') Simple, vague language. 'all of the doubting' could mean so many things. What doubting? And what shouting - who was shouting, how were they shouting...? And when would it have 'counted'? The only reference to a place/time i can see it might have 'counted' would be while you were in bed. And the connection between the two lines is a bit weak.
It's not like you need to go into all these details but i just want to illustrate how there is a lot of room for clarification. It might only takes a few minor changes to improve a line greatly. Or you might want to go with some completely fresh lines with similar meaning.
I kiss her lips she kisses my head
Every night next to her in bed
And when ever I notion she just says
I like this part. Also, motion*, i believe.
I can say, without a doubt
Until my lungs give out
I kinda like this part too.
I guess you could also consider me a fan of the ending. Though I would really need to hear the music to see how it works. These lyrics, in general, seem like need help from the emotion of the singer and the tone of the music (and the ending
especially) for the listener to really get the meaning and everything. The lyrics on paper for this one don't really do it (unlike a lot of what you write that is a lot closer to poetry).
None.