My hands they are bleeding,
God I hate all this feeling,
The rush is outstounding,
I feel my heart pounding,
But my stomach it twists,
As the blade caresses my wrists,
With the words you have spoke,
I'm left here to choke,
On the acidic burn in my throat,
From the letters you wrote,
To those, that this may concern,
All this hatred I learn,
Come from the girl of my dreams,
Because happyness is not what it seems,
The belly of the beast,
Or the parasite's feast,
We only quench the thirst of others,
Our so called sisters and brothers,
Or fathers and mothers,
They leach at me now,
And they leach at me then,
So I pray to god now,
When will this end?

Some of this is really good. With editing it could be better. I think you get too literal sometimes. Also, you spelled happiness, outstanding, and leech wrong.

And a question: is this intended to be just a poem or is it meant to be put to music (I hope not)?

Just poetry. I started off in a bad mood, then I thought I would try and reach out to Excalibur with as much emo shit I could find.

Very interesting poetry.

"To those, that this may concern,
All this hatred I learn"

Favorite lines.

Man... Do you have any respect for Excalibur? I know you dislike what his art talks about, but he is good. If he feels comfortable writing about that, you should let him be.

I kinda like it. Although I'm not a fan of the cliche 'blades on wrist' thing.

*fixed

This

My friend turned emo to this

lol thanks guys

right after the poem I actually made two happy ones, they're not AS good (IMO) but here they are anyways:

"I'm scared"
"But why" asks your curious eye
"well" replies my noble duck
"Us together is based on luck"
"How so" your intrigued self acquire
"I do not know"
Is he a liar?
Or does confusion strike from south,
Listen carefully to my mouth,
You will see I mean no harm
And whem im gone do not be at alarm
For I will never stride far from your side
"That's quite the promise, but can you abide?"
"The answer's yes, for you're the best, to fill the hope back in my chest"
"So then why are you ever so scared?"
"I only said that to see you cared"
and

Summers day with sun so gleaming,
A cool breeze brings it together,
But if an air mass hit another,
All the rain would kill the meaning,
Of a sun and breeze bond forever,
But can the rain truely cover,
Our sunny day's and cooling breeze?
And if it did, may I ask you please,
Stay inside and dry with me.

I don't think they're good at all. Like they're really bad and don't make sense.


Noble duck? I think in general you just go way too out of your way to rhyme. Upon rereading it again, I guess it's not that bad though. The second one was worse imo.


Suns gleam and breeze goes together... rain kills meaning, breaks bond... let's stay inside. I don't follow the symbols or the flow of this.

Post has been edited 1 time(s), last time on May 2 2008, 10:35 pm by Dapperdan.

Noble duck makes sense to me because in real life, I tell everyone that the duck is the most noble of creatures.

The second one is like

A
B
C
A
B
C
D
D
D

it's a strech on the DDD part...

it makes sense because im basically just saying that there's a sun which warms up your life, but if it was just the sun, it'd be too hot, then with a gentle breeze the day is cooling, but when two air masses hit (a conflict) that's when rain is bound to come. When rain comes, the breeze just blows rain in your face, and the sun is gone because of clouds. However, if you ask a person to come inside with you, you're staying together / dry. So the idea behind the poem was that we have one perfect combination of things, but if a conflict comes between us, then instead of letting it kill the bond, we should just move on away from the conflict and stay in this bond...

However I do agree, they arn't nearly as good xD

Reach out to me? I dont care if its emo or sunshine in its subject, it has to be good. This however wasnt that bad, but Dapper covered everything.