[Woman]
Forgive me if your sight I'm starting to delight
If to some extent you're caught up in my lies
But it's been so easy to keep your fire lit for a while
Breathing water, yet you feel like you're alive

Disease, slowly crawling up your veins
Stare at the reflection you can't see
I'll bite the wounds on your wrists; everything rhymes
A kiss, goodnight darling, you'll be fine

But it's been so easy to take over your chest
But it's been so easy to assault your realm

Stay, for another evening, in my lap
Stay, for another evening, where your neck I may lap
I told thee, this one shan't be kept unsheat
I told thee, this one rose, shall feast on your lips

Displease me, impress me, with the story of your life
Of how sanity drove and crashed its last words into a man
And how a lady managed to turn his heart to dust
Tell me how we kept the fireplace lit with lust

Devour me, nurture every demon in my
Soul begs desperately for your caresses and your
Touch my fingertips in manners yet
Unkown, sensation of my smoke flowing right into your lungs

Why am I pleasing such a distant stranger?
Why am I not feeding on my beloved stranger?

Stay, for another evening, my love
Stay, for another evening, and make me the love
I told thee, his one shan't be kept unsheat
I told thee, this one rose, feasts on your lips

[Man]
Oh, I still remember the way your clothes came off
Escaping your grasp was not merely enough
But the shore is far to shallow for me to drown
A shower, a lover, it's the name that changes at the most

Rest assured, pass out on the floor of glass
A single drink never will your thirst suffice
I depart then, with your flavor in my lines
The last of them, now but a useless "I want you"

With such a sweet fragrance, let my fangs caress your neck again
[Woman]
Manipulating one heart was never enough for my lips

[Both]
Stay, for another evening, in my lap
Stay, for another evening, where your neck I may lap
Stay, for another evening, my love
Stay, for another evening, and make me the love

Stay, for another evening, naive pupet
Stay, for another evening, let's play once more
I told thee, his one shan't be kept unsheat
I told thee, this one rose, feasts on your weakness

Stay, for another evening, my feeble lover
Stay, for another evening, my ill lover

Post has been edited 5 time(s), last time on Apr 24 2009, 4:49 am by Almost Alive.

I think it was..interesting.

i like the line "Breathing water, yet you feel like you're alive" the most.

they're good, and i like how you did man and woman.

Take a look at some lyrics of actual songs. Yes, songs are poetry, but not that much. Most songs have to dumb-down the poetry to make the song sound right, and it still gets the right image across to the listener.

http://www.metrolyrics.com/duality-lyrics-bayside.html
http://www.plyrics.com/lyrics/wakingashland/longshot.html
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/postalservice/thedistrictsleepsalonetonight.html
http://www.lyricsmania.com/lyrics/jack_johnson_lyrics_3161/on_and_on_lyrics_9883/rodeo_clowns_lyrics_114590.html

These are some examples that I see as good lyrics. They fit the song, and they don't overdo it(kinda like yours).

Right now it's just a poem. Change it up if you want it to be a song Good luck and God speed.

Post has been edited 1 time(s), last time on Apr 22 2009, 6:59 pm by Jello-Jigglers.

You're so wrong its hilarious. Like telling him to use fire to make things freeze. You know nothing about lyrics, go away.

...I really do not wish to dumb anything in my writings down. Rather, I would make them more complex...

So, woman is a wordy, manipulative leech and man is a short-lived screw?

I'm a bit confused at the interchanging of the archaic "thee" and more common "you" as well.

Also I am confused with your use of the rose. It's meant only in reference to the woman in question I assume? If so, it becomes trite.

"unsheat" doesn't return any results on dictionary.com

This contains an interesting, if incorrect, grammatical construction. Clearly the first word of each sentence coincides with the last [missing] word of each previous sentence, but I'm not sure why

Is she cheating on her husband?

This line is inconsistent with the rest of the poem in construction

If the woman is the speaker and cheating on her husband, I don't think she wants to hear about that, but I could be wrong

As with the rose mentioned above, you are utilizing repetition of many lines, for example, the last stanza is constructed almost exclusively of repeated lines. I am having difficulty in finding some kind of metaphor, allusion, or symbolism however, and as such I am confused as to the use of the repitition. I noted that you mean to make a song of this, could it be the chorus perhaps? If not, I think you would add much to this to either truncate it or change your poem around a bit to go deeper, all I get out of it right now is a simple story about a woman who likes cheating on her husband and a guy that's bangin her for kicks. Analytic Poetry isn't my specialty however... so maybe I'm wrong.

This had to do with something that happened to me, and a dream related to it.

There are many details, but I will try to keep everything as short as possible, since I do not wish to wander too far into details.

Quote

Forgive me if your sight I'm starting to delight
If to some extent you're caught up in my lies
But it's been so easy to keep your fire lit for a while
Breathing water, yet you feel like you're alive

How to put this... I really liked the way she looked. I am aware that it is the girl the one who is saying this, however. She knew perfectly.

Quote

Disease, slowly crawling up your veins
Stare at the reflection you can't see
I'll bite the wounds on your wrists; everything rhymes
A kiss, goodnight darling, you'll be fine

Everything in the relationship seemed to be just fine; however, it was only damaging me, as I see it.

Quote

But it's been so easy to take over your chest
But it's been so easy to assault your realm

It did not take much for me to fall in love, for some reason. I did not know many things at that then...

Quote

Stay, for another evening, in my lap
Stay, for another evening, where your neck I may lap
I told thee, this one shan't be kept unsheat
I told thee, this one rose, shall feast on your lips

Let us just say we were quite passionate.

Quote

Displease me, impress me, with the story of your life
Of how sanity drove and crashed its last words into a man
And how a lady managed to turn his heart to dust
Tell me how we kept the fireplace lit with lust

She loved to smoke, she would never quit even when she said she would. She did turn my heart to dust, in some sense.

Quote

Devour me, nurture every demon in my
Soul begs desperately for your caresses and your
Touch my fingertips in manners yet
Unkown, sensation of my smoke flowing right into your lungs

My bad. "unsheated" does definitely not exist. It was my intention to use "unsheat". There are many things left for me to learn when it comes to english, for it is not my native language. I enjoy learning more about it everyday, however.

The intention is to make the first word of the next line match, as if the ending of the previous sentence is the beggining of the new one. There is nothing to it, but an attempt of innovation, an attempt to make things different, to change the sound, and perhaps the rythm, as well as the flow of both the lines and the intruments.
About the smoke... She loved to smoke, she claimed she would quite soon. As expected she did not.

Quote

Why am I pleasing such a distant stranger?
Why am I not feeding on my beloved stranger?

I shall keep one half of the meaning of these two lines to myself. As for the other half, there was another person she was interested in. She claimed to be "confused", about him, however, but still...

Quote

Stay, for another evening, my love
Stay, for another evening, and make me the love
I told thee, his one shan't be kept unsheated
I told thee, this one rose, feasts on your lips

As I said, let us just say we were quite passionate.

Quote

Oh, I still remember the way your clothes came off
Escaping your grasp was not merely enough
But the shore is far to shallow for me to drown
A shower, a lover, it's the name that changes at the most

This is about a dream we both had. I dreamed we were both in... I do not know where, actually... It was a dark place. We were both naked. It was not an erotic dream, for we were not engaging in sexual acts, however.
As for her dream, she saw us both in a beach, dressed in white. That is where the shore comes from, and the references to water, if anything. Comparing a beach or a shore to a mere shower... All those things I was living. They were but a mere ilusion. I wanted things to seem perfect so badly that, well... You can guess by yourselves.

Quote

Rest assured, pass out on the floor of glass
A single drink never will your thirst suffice
I depart then, with your flavor in my lines
The last of them, now but a useless "I want you"

She loved to drink as well, but unlike smoking, she would never even attempt to quit. Of course, as blind as I was, I would actually take care of her anyway. I would constantly write for her as well, that is the reason of the existance of the last two lines of this paragraph.

You asked for the interchanging of "thee" and "you". She made me look like a very intelligent person at times but, see... The truth is I was but a delusional idiot to have thought things could go along just fine.

Quote

Man: With such a sweet fragrance, let my fangs caress your neck again
Woman: Manipulating one heart was never enough for my lips

I would rather keep half of the meaning to myself. As for the other half, it is a reference to that person that was making her feel "confused".

Quote

Stay, for another evening, in my lap
Stay, for another evening, where your neck I may lap
Stay, for another evening, my love
Stay, for another evening, and make me the love

Stay, for another evening, naive pupet
Stay, for another evening, let's play once more
I told thee, his one shan't be kept unsheated
I told thee, this one rose, feasts on your weakness

Stay, for another evening, my feeble lover
Stay, for another evening, my ill lover

Well, about the repetition... Should it ever become a song, it would simply be an ending, perhaps emphasizing some previous lines of the song.

The relationship itself was sick, that is why I used words such as feeble and sick. It was also a game of manipulation, a game to see whose emotional manipulation would prevail, for we would make each other feel uneasy about certain situations to recieve a positive response, in spite of more important matters.

It is not my custom to... Make the meaning of my lyrics as clear as this... But well. I do not feel uncomfortable for this once, since there is people smart enough to discuss them with around, it seems.

"Forgive me if your sight I'm starting to delight"
Is it really for the appreciation of beauty that you should be forgiven, or something else?


These lines all contain some potential for symolic inference. Most prevalent is the references to water. "shower" "drowning" "breathing water," ect. You could easily expand upon this.

I would write more but I have to go now because I think my computer is about to die. Something is slowly destroying my Vista Functionality, or maybe it's finally imploding on itself, piece of microsoft garbage that it is.

I like the idea of expanding my poetry while focusing on certain elements, phrases, objects, etc.

My next writings might prove to be interesting (to me, that is).

One should never have to explain his own work.

People are to interpret it they way they wish, if the work is good then everyone will get the same interpretation.

*the way.

And if that is so, then I am screwed

Yeah, it's part of how abstraction works and stuff, anyway, I've been busy to :bashphobos: as I promised. but don't worry, the day shall come

Maybe I meant this instead of dumb-down. Glad someone could express it better than me.

That is unrelated. Corbo is implies that, if you are a good writer, everyone those good at analizing poems or lyrics or whatever will get the same interpretations, regardless of how complex your writings may be.

Quote from Me

gets the right image across to the listener

Which is really really wrong. Particularly the way he put it.


Quality of work has nothing directly to do with whether or not everyone will get the same intrepretation. Sometimes it may correlate... but not much more. There are lots and lots of great poems and great lyrics that have many intrepretations. Like... I can't even begin. And just think how simple a song has to be for everyone to get the same intrepretation from a song. Not that songs with simple lyrics can't be good.

Anyway, I think corbo's point was more along the line that your writing should be clear enough that readers/listeners can get some type of intrepretation out of it beyond just the surface of the matter... like... 'i had a girlfriend and broke up with her'. There's a difference between having clarity in your writing and limiting the scope of your words so that there can be only one possible intrepretation. People are going to see a song through their own experiences, so leaving things a little open-ended/vague sometimes is not only acceptable, but sometimes should really be encouraged. When you start writing more and more you'll probably start to realize these things naturally. Like, no matter how much you explain these lyrics to us, I don't think there's anyway we'll intrepret them and look at them truly the same way you do.

Now... the only real critiques I read of your 'lyrics' so far is from vrael's first post. After that I stopped. And I definitely didn't bother reading your explanation of everything. I want to critique the work without knowing what you were trying to say.


Pretty generic. But the idea is still solid. This "i'm sorry that a liar has fallen in love with you" idea. It could be better if you weren't presenting it so weakly. I understand the 'if' in the first line... but putting another 'if' in the second life is a bit much. Even "Forgive me if your sight I'm starting to delight / While to some extent you're caught up in my lies" is better. Although it would be a lot better if you would cut out 'to some extent'. It's almost like you know that she's caught up in your lies, and you're writing about it... but you're still not ready to really admit it completely. And it's not even that, but adding in these excess words like 'to some extent' distracts from the meaning sometimes or just flat out takes away from it. The first line could be changed too... but consider this as an idea of a bit stronger presented first two lines:

'Forgive me if your sight I'm starting to delight
As I try to purge myself from a fog of lies'


Ok, so we move from "sorry that I like you" to... "but it's been easy to..." idk? "continue this lusting" ...? I'm not really buying how this third line flows from the last two. Maybe you're trying to say, in a way, that it's hard to let you go... because it's so easy to keep you going.... or something. "Breathing water, yet you feel like you're alive" is actually a really good line in a vacuum but I utterly fail to see how it fits with the rest of the stanza. It seems to be a completely separate idea that I feel really goes underdeveloped. Not to mention you go from a metaphor about how she has a fire within her from a metaphor about how she's drowning and it's just a bit off-putting. Just another small thing, I would probably change up this last line a little bit to "Breathing water, yet you feel/think you're alive" I'd just focus more on the little things/words as you go back and edit stuff cause you might see that words such as "like" can be removed and the meaning remains, while at the same time you can make the rhythm flow better or distract the reader less from the meat of the line. And even if you prefer the line with 'like' in it, it's good to really know why you're putting it there.


I really like these two lines. There could be some minor wording changes (there pretty much always can be) but still really good. I really like the language of the first line and the idea/image of the second. Although I might argue that the second line might be stronger if it were written along the lines of "...stare into empty mirrors.." or something like that.


Any reference to wrists is instant fail. It doesn't evoke emotion (at least not to me). I see it as stale, trite, and done. I also really don't like the random 'everything rhymes' at the end of the first line (juxtaposing it with 'i'll bet the wounds on your wrists, of all things) and how you rhyme it with 'fine'.


I don't understand why there are two "but's" here. 'everything will be fine' ... 'but you were really easy'. The lyrics don't follow a linear line of logic to me, at all. Not that they need to... but I don't think the writing nor the content is strong enough to be f'ing around with it. On the plus side, I really like the line 'it's been so easy to take over your chest' - it's detailed, specific, even a bit provocative. I really don't like the second line though.


I liked the direction you were going with the first line... then you lost me. I actually have never seen 'lap' used as a verb like that now, but now that I look it up, I suppose it could make sense. Although I don't see the necessity of using two different definitions of 'lap' back to back. It's distracting if nothing else. I had to stop reading and think about it... for the wrong reason. I agree with vrael, don't know why you're using 'thee' all of a sudden. I have no idea why you switched to a bastardized form of old english out of nowhere. I have no idea what 'unsheat' means either. As far as I know it's not a word. The 4th line I think is a good idea but once again I don't understand where this new language and structure is coming from or why you choose to do it.

Problems like this continue later ... I'll get back to finishing up later.

I don't entirely understand the first line. I'm not exactly sure how she's supposed to 'displease' and 'impress' you at the same time. Poetic license I suppose. I just think it could be clearer (even if you used the same words) if put differently. Third line, "turn his heart do dust" is absurdly cliche. Fourth line I kinda like.


I like this stanza a lot. Aside from the word choice of 'caresses' which I'm seeing a lot too much I think it's really good. The poetic aspect of structuring the last/first words of each line like that does not have the same effect on lyrics (as opposed to poetry) though. So it is a bit perplexing. The thing is, with the strength these lines already have, it probably isn't necessary to tie it all up like this. It could be written 'normally' and still work well.


From here on out you completely lose me. Nonetheless I'll try to comment on a few things more that I feel really needed to be commented on slash are worth commenting on.


This verse I actually like. But everything else around the ending is just chaotic. Not that this verse isn't a bit all over the place itself. Upon further review I see that I really like 'it's the name that changes at the most'. At least the meaning I take from it is refreshing and makes me think a little. O, and too* not to.


I really like this first line. Then you decide to use some odd inversion out of nowhere. It really feels like it doesn't belong. It's nice to see that you understand how to alter the arrangement of words and such... but it just doesn't fit here. At all. Something like, "A single drink never completes you" or "...There's never a single drink..." would be much better. The last two lines are... kind of good but also sound kind of... I don't know... corny... simple. I just am not feeling it.


What the hell?