Weakness
Oct 11 2009, 11:46 pm
By: Fierce  

Oct 11 2009, 11:46 pm Fierce Post #1



Disregard the son, let it go.
Once mine, is now lost.
I want it back, all of it.
I have passion for the addiction.
My only home is now a needle.

She changed me, this bitter queen.
This queen, my passion.
Oh bitter queen, fix me.
Fix my weakness.

My queen is now gone.
Now a child, now a disease.
I pray for anarchy.

------------------------------------

If you want to know the story behind it all, read below. It's whats currently going on with my father.

Basically, my father met this woman. She introduced him to heroin (as well as crack, pot, etc.) He sold all his valuables for drug money. His girlfriend ended up robbing a bank (luckily he wasn't involved but she stole his car) and framed him (she had a friend to dress up in his clothes) and he went to his family looking for help. Hes now in rehab doing a lot better and I go and see him and such. The reason for the "Now a child, now a disease" line is basically what else is going on. He got her pregnant and he shared needles with her. He now has hepatitis C and a spot on his liver.

I took the advice from the posters below and writing an actual lyrical piece would be more interesting. View the original post below:
Original Post


Please tell me what you think about it and feel free to give constructive criticism.

Post has been edited 2 time(s), last time on Oct 15 2009, 3:34 am by Fierce.



None.

Oct 12 2009, 12:14 am ClansAreForGays Post #2



I don't get.

Were you ever addicted to heroine?




Oct 12 2009, 12:34 am Fierce Post #3



No, my father is. I just wanted to see if people liked what I had so far (so yes I plan on adding more to it and fixing it up)



None.

Oct 12 2009, 1:57 am Dapperdan Post #4



It's pretty good. Very raw. II can empathize with it. I don't like the last line because the "it" is very ambiguous. (though the idea is fine) "This needle is my home" is a good line...

If I were you I would have waited till it was more developed to post... but... whatever.



None.

Oct 13 2009, 5:01 am Norm Post #5



Quote from Fierce
Disregard the son, let it go
passion for the addiction, give in to it
this needle is my home
i don't want it, i need it
to feel more than i used to
i won't be alone, it is the weakness




A passion for addiction. Giving in
It's just a longing to feel more than what I can feel now
So lonely, the needle is my new home
So lonely, disregard my only son

Not something I want

I NEED IT.

I NEED IT.

I NEED IT!


Nice!! You should play around with the structure and word choice and write some Grindcore lyrics with it.



None.

Oct 13 2009, 6:41 am InsolubleFluff Post #6



It's okay.
Deep, personal and meaningfull, but incomplete.
I don't think the flow of the stanza is particularly good.
As Norm said, make lyrics. This would be better screamed by BMTH than read by a individual.



None.

Oct 15 2009, 3:32 am Fierce Post #7



Added a little more to it today, as well as fixed it up. I still plan on adding more to it.

Thanks a lot guys for the advice.



None.

Oct 22 2009, 5:04 am Dapperdan Post #8



Quote
Disregard the son, let it go.
Once mine, is now lost.
I want it back, all of it.

Alright, I did like that it was raw, but now that you're trying to elaborate on it (or maybe its just my mood), I feel the need to point out some technical issues.

The first line lacks a subject first of all. I would prefer it be there, the lack of actual English here does bother me (though it doesn't always). So I'll provide the assumed "I" in my suggestion for change. We'll start with this:

"I disregard the son, let it go." Then comes the next issue, what is "it". The only available noun for this to serve as the antecedent to is "the son", which doesn't make any sense. Now, I know i'm being more picky than is necessary for lyrics, but just consider that. Ok, now, I can guess "let it go" is just referring to a general emotion of letting "it" all (though you refrain from saying 'all' in the lyrics, so I guess it is valid for me to wonder what particular thing is being let go. perhaps the needle?) go.

Then we have "Once mine, is now lost." Once again, what was 'once mine'? Your son? I'm making an educated guess, as I assume you're not referring to the "it" which is being let go in the previous line as being lost. You seem more to mean this: "What was once mine is now lost." Which carries I assume the same meaning you wanted, but is much clearer. Or, you could be more specific, and perhaps be even more raw by being very blunt about it, "My son is now lost." To me, that strikes a lot more emotionally than "Once mine, is now lost."

"I want it back, all of it." Once again... with the 'it's. I need not myself on that front. Instead, I want to bring up another point, regarding tense. Here we have a potential revision of the first 2 lines plus this one (having not changed the tense of any of them):

"I disregard the son, let it all go.
He was once mine, now once lost.
I want it back, all of it."

In the first line the father/the narrator is disregarding the son, and 'letting it go'. Then in the second line we move to the past... "Once mine", "now lost." But is this "now" period the same that the son is being disregarded during?

-- I'm now realizing that the way it was previously does work if I were to not assume you made a mistake (I have a bad habit of doing this sometimes when I get on a roll.) "Disregard the son, let it go" could be seen as a use of the imperative tense (command form.) Though, addressing oneself with the imperative can be a bit of a confusing way to start a poem, i suppose, so I can't leave myself entirely to blame. Perhaps the father has now already lost his son... and wants to let it go... as he reflects on what was his now being lost. However, this still poses a problem in the third line (i think...). "I want it back, all of it." Hmmm... Though, again, I suppose I could see this as the continuance of an inner-monologue, as the narrator struggles between regret and mindlessly moving on. (though i must say it wasn't the easiest for me to pick up.)

(note: basically what i was going to say before i interrupted myself was regarding how "disregarding the son" (like, not paying attention to the son while he was still around, which was my original interpretation, i suppose rooting from my own personal bias and experiences) and "wanting it all back" did not fit in the same tense like that. hopefully that rant i want on did offer some other helpful suggestions along the way, though, so I'll keep it there.)

I guess I have just one more thing to say on a specific line (staying away from judging it as a whole any further), this one: "I have passion for the addiction." I don't feel it fits well right after "I want it all back." The train of thought does not progress or flow like this. Perhaps you could say "But I have passion for the addiction." Then it transitions, and flows with this struggling inner-monologue that is going. Rather than before, where "I have passion for the addiction" just is thrown in, and could just as well be put anywhere in the stanza, it would now gain more of an importance for being there, and effectively juxtaposed with the previously line "I want it all back."



None.

Oct 22 2009, 5:06 pm Fire_Kame Post #9

a left leaning coexistence nut

I like it. I like the emotion behind it. It sounds very much like a chant, or a prayer. Very nice.




Oct 23 2009, 1:28 am Fierce Post #10



Quote from Dapperdan
...
I wanted to make the piece abstract giving more than one specific meaning to the situation. I use "it" differently in each line to go along with what was said within that line.

For example..
"Disregard the son, let it go." It refers to the son.
"I want it back, all of it." The "it" refers to his life, his valuables, and his health. Now I understand this doesn't go into great detail but that is why I made everything abstract.

"Once mine, is now lost." is more of a background to the "I want it back, all of it." line.

But overall I intended to make it abstract instead of a spoon fed lyrical piece.



None.

Oct 23 2009, 6:23 am EzTerix Post #11



Oh wow this is really about your dad? Well I have to say I feel sorry for you and hope things turn out better.

Anyway the vibe I'm getting from this is like hopelessness or the person is sort of in despair. I could instantly click someone had some sort of addition with "needles" (obviously bad drugs >:( )and they succumbed to it. Second verse I see A guy who likes some woman who he likes alot, and gave him some sort of weakness (led him to illegal drugs) and now he wants her to help him out. Last verse shows me that the woman left him and some child got a disease (probably from the woman and man) apparently.

This was just my first impression of when I read it. It has this sort of vibe of despair going for it. I'm not really sure how to grade stuff like this but I really saw the emotions in it. Idk how to say this but I just wish it went even deeper to get an even greater feeling, but for what it is it's pretty good.



None.

Oct 23 2009, 8:42 pm Dapperdan Post #12



Quote from Fierce
Quote from Dapperdan
...
I wanted to make the piece abstract giving more than one specific meaning to the situation. I use "it" differently in each line to go along with what was said within that line.

For example..
"Disregard the son, let it go." It refers to the son.
"I want it back, all of it." The "it" refers to his life, his valuables, and his health. Now I understand this doesn't go into great detail but that is why I made everything abstract.

"Once mine, is now lost." is more of a background to the "I want it back, all of it." line.

But overall I intended to make it abstract instead of a spoon fed lyrical piece.

"Spoon fed lyrical piece"? (first of all, what does that even mean?) You say that as if that was what i was going for. There's a fine line between "abstract" and vague, and weak. Things don't need to go into 'greater detail'... but sometimes being specific is useful. Referring to the son as "it" is extremely strange and doesn't make any sense. I know I went way overboard but I do think the exercise of reading carefully can be taken away from it.



None.

Oct 23 2009, 10:16 pm Fierce Post #13



Quote from Dapperdan
Quote from Fierce
Quote from Dapperdan
...
I wanted to make the piece abstract giving more than one specific meaning to the situation. I use "it" differently in each line to go along with what was said within that line.

For example..
"Disregard the son, let it go." It refers to the son.
"I want it back, all of it." The "it" refers to his life, his valuables, and his health. Now I understand this doesn't go into great detail but that is why I made everything abstract.

"Once mine, is now lost." is more of a background to the "I want it back, all of it." line.

But overall I intended to make it abstract instead of a spoon fed lyrical piece.

"Spoon fed lyrical piece"? (first of all, what does that even mean?) You say that as if that was what i was going for. There's a fine line between "abstract" and vague, and weak. Things don't need to go into 'greater detail'... but sometimes being specific is useful. Referring to the son as "it" is extremely strange and doesn't make any sense. I know I went way overboard but I do think the exercise of reading carefully can be taken away from it.
What I mean by "a spoon fed lyrical piece" is like being too specific, and too detailed.

The "it" reference to the son was an example. Everything I listed and have said previously is just one way a person can assume what the line is about.



None.

Oct 24 2009, 5:58 am Dapperdan Post #14



For the record, I still kinda like these lyrics. Most of it still works pretty well.

Though I may venture to say i like the original post better. It flows better... i think...



None.

Options
  Back to forum
Please log in to reply to this topic or to report it.
Members in this topic: None.
[05:37 am]
Pr0nogo -- just open a game sound and compare it to your waveform, normalize/amplify as necessary
[05:00 am]
SiKiN -- :wob:
[05:00 am]
SiKiN -- than*
[05:00 am]
SiKiN -- nvm someone just told me most sound files ingame are 20d higher volume then most recordings you import.
[04:35 am]
SiKiN -- I meant 80% quieter
[04:35 am]
SiKiN -- /wIs there a guide on .wav files on here? The ones I implemented are like 20% quieter than the originals. The game sounds make them impossible to hear.
[02:05 am]
Moose -- :wob:
[01:54 am]
lil-Inferno -- :wob:
[01:04 am]
O)FaRTy1billion[MM] -- :wob:
[12:54 am]
Wing Zero -- :wob:
Please log in to shout.


Members Online: Roy, junj