I thought I was loved,
And maybe I was, (Maybe not)
Just not when it counted
Taking into account the shouting
Now she's got me doubting
But soon I'll be stepping
Outside, outside
With her best friend
To the parking lot...


I thought I was loved,
And maybe I was, (Maybe not)
Just not where it counted
I kiss her lips she kisses my head
Every night next to her in bed
And when ever I motion she just says
No not tonight,
No not tonight, no

I thought I was loved
Maybe I wasnt (Maybe)
And maybe I was (All this noise here)
But no matter what she says
And no matter what
Did or didn't happen
In the parking lot or the bed
I can say, without a doubt
Until my lungs give out

That she was,
That she was
She was,
Yeah she was....



Would just like to say that the third verse is faster and a lot more dramatic than the first two, which are relatively the same.

Post has been edited 4 time(s), last time on Aug 18 2009, 3:14 pm by Excalibur.

this sounds like something you just experienced a week or two ago. I would love to hear a sound for this.

The way I am reading them is pretty slow lol. These lyrics might mean a lot to you but I think you should change some stuff up in the first two verses. The two words, accounted and counted don't really fit together in the first verse, if you try singing them, it sounds awkward.

I don't know, I can't really judge the lyrics too well without a sound. Make this into a song, I would love to hear it

What made me write this actually happened an hour or two before I wrote it. :X

Post has been edited 1 time(s), last time on Aug 12 2009, 8:13 am by Excalibur.

these are good, not the most complex but pretty bomb.

ahaha, I love when lyrics come with inspiration just like "that." With a little editing to the lyrics, it can be golden, writing lyrics when something just happened don't turn out too well for me, I usually write down what happened and come back to it a day or two later

This would sound cool if you did it all New Wave-y. (Like The Cure)

The only line that gets me is "And all of the pouting".

Post has been edited 1 time(s), last time on Aug 12 2009, 1:55 pm by Hug A Zergling.

Made some edits, I think its a bit better now.

I like the edits. It makes it seem less "pop-punk with emo influences"-esque.

I actually like it a lot now. Will you be recording it?

I HATE pop punk. Pop punk is the idea that being mediocre in lyrics, music, and vocals is the only way to achieve success.

I wont be, unless ToA wants to track guitar for me to do vocals over.

I believe we've gone over this before

What kind of style did you have in mind for it?

Think Brand New - Degausser. ;O

Fix'd

wait what? so you want ToA to do guitar? and then you do vocals? Toa doesn't know how the song could be sung, so it will be much harder to make guitar riffs for it. what you should do is make a draft recording of what you want you want the vocals to sound like, and then send them to ToA.

If you are looking for an acoustic sound, you can come to me if you want.

i like this idea ex, do this.

All right, have it to you soon.

This could be really awesome, or could suck really, really bad.

why?

I don't really care for this one. Usually your lyrics have much more interesting imagery and metaphors involved. Simple can be good, and I feel some of it works. However, overall, I think some of it is just subpar. It just doesn't strike me on a lot of accounts. Hm, the more I look at it tho, the more I feel like I might just really dislike the first verse. The third is kinda eh - but with the music it may work, as it may be more about the passion of it than the poetry of the words. And I do really really like the second stanza.

But uh, allow me to extrapolate:


I really like these lines. (It's a strong base for a song, i might add)


Awkward phrasing ('just not when it counted taking into...'). Seemingly forced rhyming ('doubting', 'shouting') Simple, vague language. 'all of the doubting' could mean so many things. What doubting? And what shouting - who was shouting, how were they shouting...? And when would it have 'counted'? The only reference to a place/time i can see it might have 'counted' would be while you were in bed. And the connection between the two lines is a bit weak.

It's not like you need to go into all these details but i just want to illustrate how there is a lot of room for clarification. It might only takes a few minor changes to improve a line greatly. Or you might want to go with some completely fresh lines with similar meaning.


I like this part. Also, motion*, i believe.


I kinda like this part too.

I guess you could also consider me a fan of the ending. Though I would really need to hear the music to see how it works. These lyrics, in general, seem like need help from the emotion of the singer and the tone of the music (and the ending especially) for the listener to really get the meaning and everything. The lyrics on paper for this one don't really do it (unlike a lot of what you write that is a lot closer to poetry).

Thanks Dapper, made a couple of changes.

Yep, np. I think the slight change made to the first stanza ('got me doubting') is a definite improvement that took only a little effort.

I'll also point out another one of the parts that I really didn't like here i guess:


Vague/Somewhat cliche. Especially the 'no matter what did or didn't happen' part - i really dislike it and was definitely one of the reasons that i came away from these lyrics saying that i didn't care for them (which clearly isn't quite the truth).

Usually I don't comment on things that i'm more towards neutral on, and i didn't comment on this earlier, so i figured i should clarify why it wasn't commented on. I'm really not sure what you would want to do with it if you were to change it, however.