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Immense Slenderness, Blood Illnesses
Jul 4 2009, 4:24 pm
By: Phobos  

Jul 4 2009, 4:24 pm Phobos Post #1

Are you sure about that?

-Foreword~ Thanks to Ex for correcting *cough*many*cough* mistakes in this writing...-



A vain attempt to keep the river with my hands
The rain washes her scent and heat away
Like water poured through my desperate fingers
She flows away, she flows away...

A drop of the finest wine runs from her mouth
The only thing the reaper had to offer her

No, fine gentlemen, listen closely to this girl’s grieving
And surrender the scalpels to the soothing melody
Her only affliction is a chest too slender
For the immeasurable treasure held inside

No, dear gentlemen, listen closely to my words
I assure you, this is not a medical condition
Her only affliction is a chest too slender
For the immeasurable treasure held inside

The shade of her skin depicts more thoughts
Than the sight of her movements ever could
Her heat quickly disappears
And she waves no goodbye

If only her eyes would light up a few more seconds
Illuminate the sad illusion my reality is
And so I will keep her forever, time is no longer a measure
As long as I dream under the blanket of her memories

No, fine gentlemen, listen closely to this girl’s grieving
And surrender the scalpels to the soothing melody
Her only affliction is a chest too slender
For the immeasurable treasure held inside

No, dear gentlemen, listen closely to my words
I assure you, this is not a medical condition
Her only affliction is a chest too slender
For the immeasurable treasure held inside

And the rain tries to bury her under this street
But in her dreams and slumber, a rainbow is what she is under
The rain tries to bury her under this street
But in her dreams and slumber, a rainbow is what she is under

She had no need to become a star
She was an angel in my eyes
No need to die to become a saint
She was an angel in my eyes

Post has been edited 1 time(s), last time on Jul 7 2009, 1:33 pm by Almost Alive.



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Jul 14 2009, 9:01 pm Dapperdan Post #2



Quote
A vain attempt to keep the river with my hands

I don't like the word choice of 'keep'. The metaphor doesn't work with it as well. How do you 'keep' a river, exactly? It should be more like 'hold the river in my hands' or 'contain the rapids of a river with my hands' or something like that, methinks.


Quote
The rain washes her scent and heat away

I don't like the idea of rain 'washing heat away'. Hm. It is a good idea, perhaps, the idea of 'feeling the heat from in my arms where she was removed' or something like that. This idea of losing her heat that you still had on your body... but it doesn't work here for me. I think it should be something like "The rain washes her [adjective] scent away". I would just focus on one thing in this line.


Quote
Like water poured through my desperate fingers

I don't like the use of simile here. It would be a lot stronger as a metaphor here. (look for things like this in the future). Like this: "She is water poured through (my) desperate fingers." I put 'my' in parantheses because it may be a bit excess and unnecessary, and somewhat takes away from the poetic voice of the line.

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She flows away, she flows away...

*thumbs up*

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A drop of the finest wine runs from her mouth

This is a good idea. I'm not sure about the choice of 'runs' though. Perhaps it could be 'A drop of the finest wine drools from her mouth'. Or drips, or leaks, or something. Or streams. But 'runs' gives me an image of the liquid sliding from her mouth faster than i think works best. I would also recommend attaching an adjective to 'mouth', like 'dead', or 'dumb'.

Quote
The only thing the reaper had to offer her

In general, *thumbs up*. But I'd like to have you take note of using the word 'thing'. In general, I would really try to avoid it. It's very vague, ambigious, and almost always used lazily where a better, more specific word could be used, if thought were put to it.

Quote
No, fine gentlemen, listen closely to this girl’s grieving
And surrender the scalpels to the soothing melody
Her only affliction is a chest too slender
For the immeasurable treasure held inside

I liked this verse up to 'scalpels'. Then you lost me. I really don't follow. Small note that I'll still make: I would use 'a' instead of 'the' before 'soothing'.

Quote
I assure you, this is not a medical condition

I like this line.

Quote
The shade of her skin depicts more thoughts
Than the sight of her movements ever could

How can skin 'depict' a thought? This doesn't make sense. You're unforgivably misusing 'depict' here. I think you're looking for something more like 'provokes' or 'instigates' in terms of meaning. I also think it might be a solid idea to actually describe (or 'depict') what the shade of her skin is. Make it a strong image.

As for the second line, it's definitely weak. 'the sight of her movements' is really vague. Even 'Than watching her dance could ever manage' would be better, to me. There is just a lot of extra words without true meaning it. This whole section really has poor verb density, now that i think about it. Try to bring back better imagery with these ideas please.

Quote
Her heat quickly disappears
And she waves no goodbye

Heat doesn't 'dissapear' because no one can see it in the first place. You're looking for a word more like 'dissipates' here. That would be much much much better. I'm also unsure of the word choice of 'quickly'. I'd check some synonyms for it, and also consider whether or not the idea of the heat 'quickly' dissipating is really better than the idea of it 'gradually' (or some form there of) dissipating.

I think the second line could possibly be better worded, but I can't really complain. It would just be a matter of style.

Quote
If only her eyes would light up a few more seconds

I'm not sure about the word choice of 'light up'. I'd look up some synonyms such as 'illuminate' (which you obv use in the next line), and also consider going with 'open wide' or 'open up' instead of focusing on the light of them. I would also definitely say 'a few seconds more' instead of 'a few more seconds'. Maybe that's just me. It would also set up for some nice rhyme in the next line or two.

Quote
Illuminate the sad illusion my reality is

I'm not sure if this metaphor works. Or if I understand it. Would her eyes 'lighting up' really 'illuminate' your reality? I would also probably include the missing 'that' which you left out after 'illusion'.

Though, I must say, I really love 'illuminate the sad illusion'.

Quote
And so I will keep her forever, time is no longer a measure

I don't like the transition from the previous two lines at all (cause there isn't one). All you do is say 'and' and launch into this new idea. Also, 'time is no longer a measure' should probably be 'time will no longer be a measure'. But this 'time won't be a measure' idea is probably a bit cliche in the first place.

Quote
As long as I dream under the blanket of her memories

Solid concept. Once again though, probably a bit cliche as to the meaning of it. Other than that, I'd consider using 'canopy' instead of 'blanket' as a word choice.

Quote
And the rain tries to bury her under this street
But in her dreams and slumber, a rainbow is what she is under

I like this verse a lot. But 'a rainbow is what she is under' is really awkward, and needs a change. I would consider saying 'But in her dreams and slumber, there's a rainbow (that) she is under'.

Quote
She had no need to become a star

I'm indifferent to this line. Though, notably indifferent. There are other lines throughout the work that i did not comment on, but i feel a need to here. This is the last verse, and I think it should be important to go for a stronger ending. Maybe someone else would think it was strong... but I don't. It's not that it's bad, because it isn't. But you get the idea .

Quote
She was an angel in my eyes

HOLY CLICHE.

Quote
No need to die to become a saint

I don't follow this line at all. I guess you're saying "She didn't need to die to become a saint" - yet, even still, with the clearer language i have put this in, i'm not sure how it fits into the rest of it all.

It really lacks cohesion with the rest of the work. Which seems to be a consistent problem with your writing, if I am recalling correctly. The cohesion of it all, that is. I don't think it is intended. So when editing in the future (lack of cohesion in a first draft should probably be expected) I would really pay attention to that.


Ok, so, in general, this poem seems really hard for the reader to have any idea what in the world you are talking about. I suppose that's a negative (though it doesn't bother me as much as others). But, on the positive side, there is some real quality imagery and writing here, which is why it kept me interested enough to go through the trouble of editing it to such a great extent.

Post has been edited 8 time(s), last time on Jul 15 2009, 7:36 am by Dapperdan.



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Jul 14 2009, 10:26 pm Phobos Post #3

Are you sure about that?

Holy cliché. Lmfao. Your opinion is always welcome Dapper <3



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Jul 15 2009, 2:21 pm Vrael Post #4



I am confused as to the meaning of the repitition of the "gentlemen", but perhaps I have not given it enough thought. It doesn't seem like the gentlemen are particularly worthy of emphasis.

I hope this relates to what you like, but in my opinion repitition of lines should be reserved for only those statements you truly wish to emphasize, they should have some importance in the gand scheme of the poem, and not just some random gentlement dudes that you're talking to. Take this with a grain of salt for I am currently having difficulty focusing due to the arrangement of certain molecules in my bloodstream, but I think what I'm saying is coherent. Otherwise, the first part I liked, then my focus drifted through no fault of your own, but some giddiness is compelling me to make this post. Hopefully I'll read this again later and have a better critique for you.



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Jul 15 2009, 3:17 pm Dapperdan Post #5



Quote from Vrael
I am confused as to the meaning of the repitition of the "gentlemen", but perhaps I have not given it enough thought. It doesn't seem like the gentlemen are particularly worthy of emphasis.

I hope this relates to what you like, but in my opinion repitition of lines should be reserved for only those statements you truly wish to emphasize, they should have some importance in the gand scheme of the poem, and not just some random gentlement dudes that you're talking to. Take this with a grain of salt for I am currently having difficulty focusing due to the arrangement of certain molecules in my bloodstream, but I think what I'm saying is coherent. Otherwise, the first part I liked, then my focus drifted through no fault of your own, but some giddiness is compelling me to make this post. Hopefully I'll read this again later and have a better critique for you.

Well, within this rambling, I guess the word choice of 'gentlemen' could be taken away as something to look at. Then again, 'gentlemen' was used in the verses that i had more problems with in general because they were mostly unrelatable. In any case, I took the 'gentlemen' to be a doctor of some kind.



None.

Jul 15 2009, 7:41 pm Phobos Post #6

Are you sure about that?

Quote from Dapperdan
Quote from Vrael
I am confused as to the meaning of the repitition of the "gentlemen", but perhaps I have not given it enough thought. It doesn't seem like the gentlemen are particularly worthy of emphasis.

I hope this relates to what you like, but in my opinion repitition of lines should be reserved for only those statements you truly wish to emphasize, they should have some importance in the gand scheme of the poem, and not just some random gentlement dudes that you're talking to. Take this with a grain of salt for I am currently having difficulty focusing due to the arrangement of certain molecules in my bloodstream, but I think what I'm saying is coherent. Otherwise, the first part I liked, then my focus drifted through no fault of your own, but some giddiness is compelling me to make this post. Hopefully I'll read this again later and have a better critique for you.

Well, within this rambling, I guess the word choice of 'gentlemen' could be taken away as something to look at. Then again, 'gentlemen' was used in the verses that i had more problems with in general because they were mostly unrelatable. In any case, I took the 'gentlemen' to be a doctor of some kind.
Doctors*. Dapper wins :P



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Jul 16 2009, 3:26 pm Dapperdan Post #7



It wasn't that hard.

Do you plan on editing this further any time soon?



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Jul 17 2009, 2:27 am Phobos Post #8

Are you sure about that?

I rarely edit things any further. But if I were to show it to anyone, though, propper changes would be made.



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Jul 17 2009, 2:51 am Dapperdan Post #9



I'm just wondering if all the time I spend on these things is worth anything to you aside from the satisfaction of having someone comment on and appreciate your work.



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Jul 17 2009, 3:51 am Excalibur Post #10

The sword and the faith

Quote from Dapperdan
I'm just wondering if all the time I spend on these things is worth anything to you aside from the satisfaction of having someone comment on and appreciate your work.
I don't know about Phobos, but I always appreciate your critique, and try to use it to improve my work.




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Jul 17 2009, 1:58 pm Dapperdan Post #11



Quote from Excalibur
Quote from Dapperdan
I'm just wondering if all the time I spend on these things is worth anything to you aside from the satisfaction of having someone comment on and appreciate your work.
I don't know about Phobos, but I always appreciate your critique, and try to use it to improve my work.

gewd to know. Though, I already knew that about you. ;)



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Jul 17 2009, 8:09 pm Phobos Post #12

Are you sure about that?

I move on and use whatever you said for the next thing I write.



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Jul 18 2009, 1:47 am Dapperdan Post #13



Quote from name:Almost Alive
I move on and use whatever you said for the next thing I write.

Hm, ok. Cool beans I guess. ;)



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Jul 18 2009, 4:34 am Phobos Post #14

Are you sure about that?

You are very useful, Dapper. Very useful. Do not dare to think otherwise.



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Jul 19 2009, 2:37 pm Dapperdan Post #15



Quote from name:Almost Alive
You are very useful, Dapper. Very useful. Do not dare to think otherwise.

Sweet. Now I'm a tool.



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Jul 19 2009, 5:07 pm Phobos Post #16

Are you sure about that?

Fuck this, whatever I say is not enough :P



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Jul 19 2009, 5:38 pm Dapperdan Post #17



Quote from name:Almost Alive
Fuck this, whatever I say is not enough :P

Hehe. :)



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