I know Dapper is probably the only one who's going to give constructive input on these, but his alone is so good, that it's worth posting.

I'm done making excuses for being such a monster
The way we would lay so close was a rewarding torture
The pretense that it was all because I love you
Not because I covet the liquid pulsing through you

Under your skin, where I wish my horrible fangs to be
I would never forgive you if you ever forgave me
Depend on nothing but the vicious finality, that is me
Count on nothing but my brutal savagery, its all I can be

And I'm done pretending, like every moment wasn't stupidity
How could you come so close to grim death so easily
Done making up these reasons, like she needs me, she wants me
She loves me....


Under your skin, where I wish my horrible fangs to be
I would never forgive you if you ever forgave me
Depend on nothing but the vicious finality, that is me
Count on nothing but my brutal savagery, its all I can be

A predatory creature with such inviting features
Could ever see such deception come from a leech and
Could you ever realize how close to your demise
You came to every time you would touch me....
So here's my admission of guilt
(For free)
For free....

Every time
(No)
Every time
(No)
Every time
(No)
No

Under your skin, where I wish my horrible fangs to be
I would never forgive you if you ever forgave me
Depend on nothing
Count on nothing

Vicious finality
Brutal savagery
It is all
I can be

Post has been edited 1 time(s), last time on Jun 29 2009, 2:20 am by Excalibur.

i like it, favorite part is

Vicious finality
Brutal savagery
It is all
I can be

I really like it. I think some places could use a bit more flow, for example, I think "The pretense that it was all because I love you
Not because I covet the liquid pulsing through" should be "The pretense that it was all because I love you
Not because I covet the liquid pulsing through you." Just my two cents.

These lines confuse me. The first line seems like an incomplete thought. Like it should be "The pretense that it was all because I love you was false". The structure is basically that "The Pretense that it was because I love you" is the subject, the noun part, except there is no verb part following. Or if you lead into the next part.... "The pretense that it was all because I love you (and) not because I cover the liquid pulshing through (you) was a lie."

I think the problem is in the first line... it should be more like "The pretense was that i did it because I love you / Not because I covet(ed?) the liquid pulsing through (you)." Yeah, the tense is also confusing here. The first line is in past, but the second line has 'covet' in the present tense. The other thing is that I'm not sure you are properly using 'covet'. Covet means to have an extreme desire for something that isn't yours, or you can't have, or belongs to another, etc. Except it seems that you were already with this person in the lyrics.

I'll get back to the rest of this in a bit.

It works Dapper.
Even if the relationship is over, he still wants her blood. This is all retrospect of the things that happened.

O I understand now. What you're really saying is:

"The pretense is that it was all because I love you"

This makes more sense. (not that you have to change the actual lyrics or anything - although it would be more easily understood)

At first, I would say I really like this. But... idk. I was going to nitpick about saying 'such a monster', but it's really fine. And it also makes the lines each have 14 syllables - which may be something you want to check in the future. I wouldn't monitor it as you're writing the song, but you might want to check the line length with syllables when you are editing.


When I first read this I thought the syllables were off, but I guess it was just the way I was reading it. These lines both have 14 syllables as well. Were you doing this on purpose?

On another note, I have to say, that whenever the writing about this vampirism is so blatant it kind of throws me off a little bit. It's not exactly my cup of tea but I try to still critique from the pure writing standpoint, as to make it as good as it can be.

Now to actually address this specific part: I don't really like the word choice of 'horrible'. This might be a good spot to use alliteration. I'm also not really sure what the point of describing fangs that want to be under someone's skin as 'horrible' is. It doesn't really add anything. I'd just try to play around with it a bit. It may just be me though.

For the second line, it sounds better to me as "I would never forgive you if you could ever forgive me" than the way you have it. This is still one of my favorite lines from the whole thing though. Certainly one of the more memorable.

Once again, I'll get back to this later.

This was actually hard for me to write as someone who is vampiric, but it has a lot of things I want to say to a lot of people thrown into it, that I just can't say to them face to face yet.

I actually don't count syllables, I just go with what sounds good.

I thank you for your critique so far Dapper, I have to leave for work but I'll get to editing later.

I don't like the use of 'nothing but' here. "Depend on the vicious finality that is me. / Count on my brutal savagery, its all i can be" is stronger to me. Even better yet...

"Depend on my vicious finality
Count on my brutal savagery"

'that is me' is definitely fluff, though i suppose 'its all i can be' is not as fluffy. It may be important to mention that it's all you can be... so maybe add in its own line about that.

Now, I do like 'vicious finality' and 'brutal savagery', but I still have a tiny problem with these lines... the way i've rearranged them, at least. The repeating of 'my' sounds odd to me. You might want to go with some type of set up like "Depend on the vicious finality / That comes with my brutal savagery".

In my opinion, this entire verse is poorly written. But the ideas are there. Let's see . . .


I'm not sure why you use the ', like' here instead of 'that'. You're using 'like' too much where it doesn't belong. I think even 'as if' would work better here. I'm also unsure about starting the line with 'and' instead of something like 'now'. Or you could just start with 'i'm' and cut out the fluff of it, unless you think it adds to the emotion and power of the line. Which I could see.

Another point I would make is the use of 'stupidity'. Sure, it works fine. It sort of rhymes with 'easily' and everything. But I think you could go for more. I'm not sure that you really mean to say that the moments were 'stupid'. Here's some brainstorming ideas: "Now I'm done pretending that every moment weren't lies (that) i breathed" or "And I'm done pretending that each moment wasn't a breath by your neck / That lied to myself as the teeth didn't follow to finish".


There are lots of excess words in this line. 'come so close to grim death so easily'. I definitely have brought up before that i think you use 'so' too much. The use of 'could' is also a bit distracting here. I feel like the force behind the idea of the first line is lost. It goes from this passionate statement: 'and now i'm done pretending' to this pleading of 'how could you'. I don't like it. I would go with something more like direct questioning, rather than the use of 'how could you' which seems a bit more introspective and rhetorical. Like this: "How did you come inches from a grim death blindly / Did you not see the sharpened fangs that (have always) define(d) me?"

That makes me realize another thing, 'so close' and 'so easily' are both vague (especially the former). I would work on improving that.


I would start this line with 'i'm'. Might just be me. The other thing is the use of 'like' which i would consider changing. I really like the idea of stringing out and really blatantly pointing out that you realize she doesn't need you, etc. etc. However it doesn't flow well with the first half of the line: 'done making up these reasons'. The ideas seem separate and just slapped together. You could take 'done making up these reasons' (which is a bit vague by the way) and stretch it out into its own line. And i'd also recommend stating the last half of it in some form of "(say 'i admit/i know that' somehow) she doesn't need me, she doesn't want me, she doesn't love me . . ." It's a bit stronger, and more forceful to me. The way it's written seems like you're still not really to admit it in the lyrics completely... which may have been what you were going for, but you might consider going all the way with it.

The other thing I would take note of is the use of 'need', 'want', and 'love'. Are these really the words you want to use? And in that order? I'm not sure that it works best.


In general, i like this verse. There are a few small things to say though. Do you mean 'could never see'? Cause 'could ever' doesn't make any sense. The other is that the structure of stringing the first three verses here doesn't work. it goes, basically, 'a predatory creature could never see and could you ever realize'. The way it is written, it definitely shouldn't be portrayed as one sentence. It should be split into a couple, at least. Also, the lack of question marks written in does make it a bit unclear... because i suppose 'ever' would work if it were a question, though that is still an awkward word choice.

'how close' is vague. And 'how close to your demise you came to every time' doesn't have proper wording. The 'to' is stranded within the line and doesn't belong there. Either that or you are missing another word.


I really dislike when you include crap like this in the writing. It is so typical of crappy new rock. I'd encourage you to be a bit more creative and don't be afraid to avoid falling into the same writing patterns that everyone else has.

And I agree with Toa on the ending, it is very strong.

Post has been edited 4 time(s), last time on Jul 16 2009, 4:02 pm by Dapperdan.

There are a lot of songs that mean a lot to me that have parts like this, which is why they show up frequently in my work. If you could listen to Brand New - You Wont Know, or Limousine, there is a lot of this sort of thing, the repeating. See if this was a poem, I'd agree with you, but it's a song. And I can hear this song in my head, every line, ever instrument. I know the notes, the backing vocals even, how it all pieces together. This part of the song is just as important as any verse. It's a slower, transitional build up into the powerful dramatic ensemble of the ending. I really wish I could play something like a guitar, but even then I couldn't convey to you the studio quality beauty that this piece has in my mind. It's got a lot of fancy strings and effects thrown onto it, if I ever wrote something that had the kitchen sink thrown at it, this would be tied with Newest Testament which was also a kitchen sink sort of work.

You Won't Know - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5mm8ex8Vd4
You Won't Know Live - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUe202_JwVA (Very important, pay attention to the energy in this performance, that's what I'm getting at here.)
Limousine - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDEhtmPd-o8 (The entire first minute or so of the song is very deceptive. The entire latter half is a repeating build up that just about explodes at the end.)

I'll get to editing this soon, but I just wanted to address that.

I've heard the songs before. (I like Brand New) That's one of the reasons i said that it seemed more done than original to me. And it's definitely a plus that you can hear it in your head (although i usually lose the sound of things when they're only in my head). You should really learn guitar. Hope I was helpful on this one.