Staredit Network > Forums > Media, Art, and Literature > Topic: Red, White, Red, White, Hit, Black
Red, White, Red, White, Hit, Black
May 29 2009, 12:23 am
By: Phobos  

May 29 2009, 12:23 am Phobos Post #1

Are you sure about that?

The same question over and over again, "How has everything been?"
Draw closer with a light like many others have seen
Eternal obsession of keeping the roads clean
Erase the footsteps from the track, and from every sin

To the running over the endless foes
To the soft moon where this dream goes
And the place where this despair echoes

To the poems who observed nothing but their backs
And to the roses perfumed with anthrax
Tonight, you will see someone walking over the tracks
Because the wounds are way beyond these bone racks

The ground trembles with ever step over the steel
Over the lines of fate that point to nothing but demise
But the promise keeps on standing still
The moon is the only witness to this despise

To the running over of the masked foes
To the hard asphalt where the blood goes
And the place where the voice echoes

To the poems who observed but their backs
And to the roses perfumed with anthrax
Tonight, you will see someone walking over the tracks
Because the wounds are way beyond these bone racks

The final bells have finaly begun their ringing
But nothing can stop this sorrowful singing
Take off the veil, for there is no more shroud
Before this hits the very end of the road

The final light is the catalysis
For each, every and last sight of vanity
This is the definition of paralysis
Among the striped there finally is clarity

To the poems who observed but their backs
And to the roses perfumed with anthrax
Tonight, you will see someone walking over the tracks
Because the wonds are way beyond these bone racks

The train light is coming this way
But the rails will not sway
This is paralysis, paralized
Paralized, paralized, paralized
Yeah!



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Jun 27 2009, 4:30 pm Dapperdan Post #2



Note - I'm going to treat this like poetry and not like lyrics whenever I can.

Quote
The same question over and over again, "How has everything been?"

I really like this idea. I've actually written stuff like this. However, you don't elaborate on it at all. And I'm not sure why. I feel like such a good starting point shouldn't be left alone. It should go in a song where it's going to really be used.

Hm. Well I just read through the whole poem again, for the third time (once almost a month ago, once last night) and it was the first time that I feel like I really got it. That line does fit in rather well... but I feel like there should be more lines like it. A little more to what led to going over the tracks said in a way that isn't just "To the running over the endless foes" which is really vague.

Quote
Draw closer with a light like many others have seen

I'm still a bit confused as to which persectives we are seeing this scene from. Sometimes it seems like you're the conductor and sometimes it seems like you're the person walking over the tracks toward the train. I feel like this stanza, starting with the line that it did, should be about the person . . . but this line indicates otherwise I guess. No matter how many times I read it. Aside from advising you to try to clean up the transitions as the point of views change (or if this is all supposed to be from one point of view there will need to be more changes), I'll comment just on the language of it.

"Draw closer with a light like many others have seen" is very weak to me. Lots of little transitiony words are tied into it. One thing that would make it stronger is just using 'the' instead of 'a' beside light. Also, for future reference, work on your verb density.

I might change it to a line more like this:
'Bring the killing light closer for the next one to see'

Quote
Eternal obsession of keeping the roads clean
Erase the footsteps from the track, and from every sin

I don't like this much. For one, it seems like each line is giving a completely different idea, and their only connection is in the rhyme. Four different ideas to start a poem or song when it's not clear yet what in the world you are talking about probably isn't the best idea. It might be better to start with a good strong image for the reader/listener to get into it. It didn't really work for me.

The second and third lines of this stanza make it seem like you went out of your way to make it rhyme and sacrificed content in doing so. The fourth line seems to have a strong idea, but the way it reads it says to "Erase the footsteps from every sin." And it just didn't work for me.

Quote
To the running over the endless foes
To the soft moon where this dream goes
And the place where this despair echoes

The first line needs help grammatically, it should be "To the running over of endless foes". "To running over the endless foes" could also work.

Before I critique any further I'm going to need to stop myself to comment on the poem as a whole again.

This stanza seems to still be from the point of view of the conductor...? At least at the start with 'running over'. Then the third stanza... the first two lines could be either I suppose. Then the third and fourth lines of it seem to be from the point of view of the person being run over.

Then the fourth stanza definitely seems to be from the point of view of the person being run over. "Every step over the steel" particularly points to that. Then the fifth stanza goes back to the 'running over' part. It could be... that the person views themself to be the foe, and then the point of view being from the walker would be consistent? Anyway, and then the last stanza is clearly from the p.o.v. of the walker. Excuse me for being so technical about it, because I'm sure that this poem could be more about what is going on figuratively, except... for it to work figuratively the metaphor also needs to have some clarity and sense to it literally. Anyway, enough of that....

Quote
To the soft moon where this dream goes
And the place where this despair echoes

I like this first line here. The second line I don't. I don't like the use of 'the place' - too vague. It's almost like using 'the thing' in a poem. Try to avoid it. Be more specific.

Quote
To the poems who observed nothing but their backs

My favorite line. In a vacuum, it's a really really quality line. On the downside, I'm not exactly sure how it fits, but that's alright.

Quote
And to the roses perfumed with anthrax

I like this line too - in a vacuum especially. However, once again, not sure how it fits. Guess it would have something to do with a dangerous love or the like. On another note, you might consider changing the line to just 'and the roses perfumed with anthrax'.

Quote
Tonight, you will see someone walking over the tracks
Because the wounds are way beyond these bone racks

I don't have a problem with the first line. You might want to get rid of the use of 'you' but whatever you feel like would be fine. The second line I am not a fan of at all. I don't like 'way beyond these bone racks'. It seems like you had to go way out of your way to make it rhyme. The idea of the wounds being 'beyond' the physical wounds is good, but I think it could be worded differently. 'Bone racks' is a bit awkward. I also don't like 'way beyond' - it seems informal and almost slang-like to me.

Quote
The ground trembles with ever step over the steel
Over the lines of fate that point to nothing but demise
But the promise keeps on standing still
The moon is the only witness to this despise

every*, not ever

The second line could use work, there is no need to have 'nothing but' as part of it. Just "Over the lines of fate that point to demise" is fine. You could put 'pure' or something like that to describe demise though, if you wanted to. I don't understand how the third line fits. The last line is very very awkward wth "only witness to this despise." Despise is a verb, and it is presented like it is a noun. If I really try though, I can see it as a verb - and it would make sense, because you like to invert the hell out of things sometimes. But here you went way too far imo. I would change it all around.

Quote
To the running over of the masked foes
To the hard asphalt where the blood goes
And the place where the voice echoes

I'm indifferent to this stanza, as I am to a couple others. I'll just say I'm not sure what the relevance of 'masked foes' is (although I guess I might see a callvack to it later with 'take off the veil'. Otherwise I guess it's fine.

Quote
The final bells have finaly begun their ringing
But nothing can stop this sorrowful singing
Take off the veil, for there is no more shroud
Before this hits the very end of the road

finally*, not finaly

The first line needs work, 'the final bells have finally begun' - speaks for itself. Consider another word other than 'final' in these last few stanzas or something. I like the second line, and the start of the third line. However I'm not sure how 'take off the veil because there's no more shroud' really works together. I'm not sure what definition of 'shroud' you are using either.

Quote
The final light is the catalysis
For each, every and last sight of vanity
This is the definition of paralysis
Among the striped there finally is clarity

I think you mean 'catalyst' and not http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catalysiscatalysis which is the process, and not the actual thing that changes the rate of the reaction. Even then, I'm still not sure that works. But I guess the light could be the catalyst between the walker and the train somehow. Then again... not sure how it transitions to the next line. How can the light be the catalyst for the 'last sight of vanity'? It would need to be a catalyst for two things... wouldn't it? I just feel like the phrasing is a bit confused here. I do really like "This is the definition of paralysis", though. As for the last line, I don't know what 'the striped' is supposed to mean.

Quote
To the poems who observed but their backs
And to the roses perfumed with anthrax
Tonight, you will see someone walking over the tracks
Because the wonds are way beyond these bone racks

wounds*, not wonds

Quote
The train light is coming this way
But the rails will not sway
This is paralysis, paralized
Paralized, paralized, paralized
Yeah!

I hate this last stanza. The first two lines are ok, although I'm not a big fan of them trying to make it so blatantly clear that the poem is about a person being run over by a train. And then the last three, lyrics or not, is just cliche and dumbed-down compared to the rest of it.



None.

Jun 27 2009, 7:09 pm Phobos Post #3

Are you sure about that?

I guess a lot of what I write are personal experiences. Phrases such as anthrax perfumed roses are things are probably understood only by me.



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Jun 28 2009, 3:13 am candle12345 Post #4



If you're going to write poetry for the public to read, you must make it to some degree understandable without prior knowledge about you.
(After re-reading this I facepalmed. Sorry, I'm a moron.)


Also, spellcheck.

Paralyzed!

Post has been edited 1 time(s), last time on Jun 28 2009, 3:45 am by candle12345.



None.

Jun 28 2009, 3:23 am Dapperdan Post #5



Quote from candle12345
If you're going to write poetry for the public to read, you must make it to some degree understandable without prior knowledge about you.

Also, spellcheck.

Paralyzed!

It's perfectly understandable enough. There's no reason for us to have more prior knowledge about him. I would even say I like the fact that he's ok with having parts of it that only he understands in there. Poetry is often/aways a lot more about personal expression than anything else. And just because he's posting it publicly doesn't mean it should be about things we will understand. I don't need to understand it to appreciate the expression.

And because I don't know exactly what he means doesn't mean it's not a cool line. I was just trying to get deeper into it and nitpicking a really lot because I was going all out on the critiquing. People usually like that best and it's kind of in my nature once I start going. I like your writing AA, it is possibly the strongest I've seen poetry wise on sen. I hope you appreciate my input.



None.

Jun 28 2009, 9:37 pm Phobos Post #6

Are you sure about that?

Yeah, just look at Conor Oberst :P

And thanks, Dapper. Feels great coming from you more than anyone else.




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Jun 28 2009, 10:00 pm Dapperdan Post #7



Quote from name:Almost Alive
Yeah, just look at Conor Oberst :P

And thanks, Dapper. Feels great coming from you more than anyone else.

+1000 points for brining up Conor. :P



None.

Jun 29 2009, 12:31 am Phobos Post #8

Are you sure about that?

ANYONE who does not bring him up while talking of poetry fails :P



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