Said it before, I'll say it again: I usually don't post my lyrics on SEN.

New working title:
Sleeper Of The Seven Dreams

I've come so far taking all these steps back
Gotten further from where I started
Then when I was going ahead
Is this the sting of failure
Did I pass away last night in bed
All I know is the clock has stopped dead
And I'm running out of excuses
But your compliments fit my uses
So as long as it's convenient...

You're the reason I made it this far
The reason I'm not already dead
Kept my dreams from dying
From losing my head
The strength is in my soul but
I'm so tired of playing this part
So if it's all the same to you
I'd like to lie alone here in the dark

I know my usual pessimistic procrastination just wont do
There's just no hope for me, if I were to lose you too
Pour me into a mold so I can be someone else instead
I don't mind being your puppet, model, court jester
It's what could go wrong that I'm starting to dread
I know I've slept through the storms
But it's my only form of shelter
I know I'm letting you down in the end
But I'm just trying to get to sleep safely
I'm left with choices of moving on or
Staying scared under the covers with you
I'll be surprised if I don't end up ripping myself in two

You're the reason I made it this far
The reason I'm not already dead
Kept my dreams from dying
From losing my head
The strength is in my soul but
I'm so tired of playing this part
So if it's all the same to you
I'd like to lie alone here in the dark
Pretend I left my mark


Act like I'm not acting
Act like this smile isn't just faking...

You're the reason I made it this far
The reason I'm not already dead
Kept my dreams from dying
From losing my head
The strength is in my soul but
I'm so tired of playing this part
So if it's all the same to you
I'd like to lie alone here in the dark
(All the same to you)

So if it's all the same
(Lie here in the dark)
I'd like to just lie here
(Tired in my heart)
Act like I've no fear
(Though my souls got the strength)
If this is all that you have
Then no more shall I take
(All the same to you)
If it's all the same, same to you
I'd like to go now
Lay in the dark

Post has been edited 5 time(s), last time on Mar 2 2009, 4:09 am by Andrew Jackson.

what kind of instrumental is it sapposed to go to? sounds pretty depressing/sad/emo depending on the setting; unless you put it to upbeat music and throw in horns, then its ska

This is either going to be mainly acoustic guitar only or mixing it with piano and some other strings, possibly violins.

When I saw "let's try this again" I was hoping fro either 'Drawing Contest 2" or "Let's Create A Comic Together!"

Sorry to disappoint.

I'm going to be really nitpicky and tell you my many thoughts. Overall it's good, which is why I'm taking the time to try to help.


I like the start. Really cool idea after trying to go back and only getting farther away. You might want to work on the wording though. "I've come so far taking all these steps back" is probably not the strongest way to say what you mean. Something like... "Tracing steps back from the prints in the dirt" "Only getting further from where I started" "Than when I was moving on" ...? I don't know. I just feel like there's room for improvement. O, and you do mean "than" not "then" in that third line.


I found this part to be weak. Well at least the first line. It's too simple and filler-y.


The tense shift within this verse seemed out of place. I think it could be clearer. Is the hurt setting in while you're trying to take your steps back, or did this happen before that? Other than that, within a vacum, I really liked this part. The first three lines especially. The last one there just seemed redudant. Maybe you should try to rhyme there, something like, "Where it didn't seem so awfully obscene." I would prefer that.


To me, lines like these are just cliche unless you want to say it more poeticly. Mainly the first line of the two.


I liked this better, but it felt a little off to me when I read it. "Losing my head" is blah. Maybe something like "Kept my dreams from dying" "From losing them in my head" Or you could stick another word in there where I put "them".


I don't really understand the differentation between soul and heart here. Also you probably don't care but strength's* - I believe.


When I first read this I wasn't digging the flow. But I like the idea of this part a lot. I just felt like it should be "I'd like to lie alone in the dark" instead of the way it's set up now. Another idea would be to rhyme with dark in the third line. Something like "Alone, alone, forgot." Even though forgot doesn't exactly rhyme, close enough. You get the idea.


Pretty wordy. Not necessarily a bad thing. But once again I found it a bit generic. Especially in the second line. Also rhyming "do" with "you" is almost never a good idea. It's so simple/lame.


This is probably my favorite line from the whole thing. Pretty awesome. I just wish you wouldn't say "so" . . . so much. It distracts from how cool the idea is with the poor flow. Maybe it could just be "So (and even this one isn't necessary) pour me into a mold, I'll be someone else instead." I recommend playing with it. Throughout the song, there are probably several places you can find to get rid of excess and unnecessary words.


Once again, love all this. Actually check that, the first line is nothing special. Anyway, this whole thing is definitely my favorite verse. I know I'm trying to inject my style of wording into it, so take it or leave it. But once again, I might change it up a bit. I would go with "I know I seem to sleep through all the storms" Then in the next line, I like the start of it, but the second half kind needs work. Mainly I'm not feeling "these" going with the past tense. It seems like it should be "those rough seas left me torn" or "these rough seas leave my torn"


Love this part. I just feeling like "moving on and living or" is poor wording. Too much. Just "Between moving on or staying scared under covers with you" would work much better.


Digging it. "Pretend I left my mark" is awesome.


I wasn't really digging this. I did feel like you might want to try to come out some of this and shorten it up. Maybe this is somewhere you might cut down. I like the last two lines here a lotttt better than the first two. "Act like I'm not acting" is by far the most interesting thing here.

Then you repeat some verses. I really am not a big fan of repeating the same verses/choruses/whatever. That's just me.


Liked this.

Solid ending as well. Although I felt like the repeating at the end was a bit much. But maybe it would work with the music.

Brainstorming title ideas: "I'm acting alone," "Mold," "Cutting Covers," "Back to Bed," "Sleeping Storms," . . . so on.

Sleeping storms or I'm acting alone sound good imho.

I like it ex, you could name it lay in the dark.


this verse(?) is my favorite.

This is the type of feedback that makes better writers. This is the type of feedback that improves pieces with potential. The type of feedback I have been dying for. Thank you so much, I'll be editing this soon.

Edit: Finished and working title added.

Post has been edited 1 time(s), last time on Feb 20 2009, 1:45 am by Andrew Jackson.

Maybe "sting" isn't the best word. Maybe... "stench" or something else. Or you could play with it, like I probably would, and go with something like, "Is this failure's potent bee sting?" I would still cut this line out though. The way it is now makes the tense really funky leading into the next part.


Idea:

Did I die last night in my bed?
Only just as the hurt started in?
Or did you save me when you came to me?
Telling me "You can sleep, you can dream
The shades shut, the curtains closed
Such morbid decoration is truly obscene
Were those words to me post-mortum?
A second after the clock hands locked at the top?

The tense works this way anyway. Otherwise I took some liberties. "Have I died" followed by "But just when" didn't work. You may just change up the order of the lines and put the first line in this section last somehow. Another problem was that the "die in bed" line seemed out of place . . . here's another idea:

But the hurt started to set in
With pain that still makes me wonder
If I died in that bed before
You came to me and sweetly said
That I could sleep, that I could dream
That I could be absolutely anything

The other thing to address is the fact that you have this all as one verse right now. Like... if you did more edits to the second half like I just suggested, it still doesn't fit too well with the first half. I recommend taking the first 3 lines and elaborating on them... for at least another line. You can have a 4 line intro or something. Then go into the next part that I was just brainstorming with.


First off, made*. Still not reallying feeling this part. I think you should pay attention to the length of your lines more. Even if these are lyrics . . . the break in lines should coincide somehow with the music that's being played (like, a line or two is for each repeating part of music or something). So even thought it's not pure poetry, it should still be important to watch line length. The main problem I'm having is "From losing my head." It throws off the rhythm. It needs more. An adjective to describe head would probably work best.


I like the change here. "Playing this part" - very good.


I like the minor changes that I went on here. The new line is pretty good. "It's what could go wrong" is a bit awkward though? I'm unsure about it. I really like the mold idea so I'd recommend taking that at least another line further as opposed to what you did here. Even though I like the word choice of "dread" a lot.


Are you forgetting the rough seas, or is the person you are addressing in the lyrics forgetting the rough seas (like, are you telling them to forget the rough seas)? I'm a bit unsure. The other thing is I don't think there should be a comma in the first line. Maybe: "Forget the rough seas that I can't seem to stomach" "I'm shredded by suffering, but sadly I love it"

I think it's definitely improved. Glad you appreciate the feedback.

Updated again.