Safe At Last
Nov 24 2008, 3:14 am
By: Doodan  

Nov 24 2008, 3:14 am Doodan Post #1



Safe at last, from any threat
I fall upon my bed
Sideways, with my head
Hanging near the wall.
At first I try, and then I do
Forget my day when my eye
Spots an ant that must now die.

SMASH!

He falls and disappears
Into the carpet thread.
How unlucky, I think, to be dead
When on any other day,
Hour, or minute he'd be safe
Cause I never look down here. My
worrying's done now, it's time to lie

Where I'm safe at last.

Post has been edited 2 time(s), last time on Nov 26 2008, 5:00 am by Doodan.



None.

Nov 25 2008, 2:05 pm Phobos Post #2

Are you sure about that?

Been writing for quite a while now, Doodan?



this is signature

Nov 25 2008, 11:05 pm Doodan Post #3



Yeah, I've been writing my whole life. I wrote a bunch of whiny poetry when I was 14/15 and then gave it up for several years. I've been trying to get back into it lately, and this is the first poem I've finished out of the dozen or so I've tried to write in the last year (I don't consider the one in my other topic complete).



None.

Nov 26 2008, 1:38 am FatalException Post #4



Cruel irony. Nice.



None.

Nov 26 2008, 3:32 am Dapperdan Post #5



First, criticism:

Quote
Sideways, with my head
Hanging near the wall.

So, your head is 'hanging near the wall'? I'm not sure I follow.

Quote
At first I try, and then I do
Forget my day when my eye

Should there be a comma after day? I think so. I don't think it reads correctly otherwise.

Quote
Cause I never look down here. My
worrying's done now, it's time to lie

These lines are really awkward.

Now, praise:

Quote
Safe at last, from any threat
I fall upon my bed
Sideways, with my head

This works really well. I get a good image.

Quote
He falls and disappears
Into the carpet thread.

My favorite part. "Thread" is the perfect word choice. Good image also.

Quote
"How unlucky," I think, to be dead
When at any other day,
Hour, or minute he'd be safe

This is all good. Nice rhythm to start. Although I think the way you say 'at any other day' may be a bit awkward. 'hour, minute, or second' might be better here. Also, there's an opportunity to play with word choice instead of using 'safe' here. But that may take away from the continuity of this idea of 'safe' that you're trying to portray.

Neat poem.



None.

Nov 26 2008, 4:55 am Doodan Post #6



Thanks guys! I was really worried that the connection I tried to make between the narrator and his victim would go unnoticed. In the previous draft, the ending was worded differently and went like, "I'm where I'm safe at last, or so I like to think." But it sounded weird, and I couldn't get it to follow the bed, head, dead, thread, eye, die, and the two words ending with the "eye" sound pattern that I wanted. Plus, I decided that the poem would be better if I didn't insist that the reader notice the connection. When it was up for more than a day and I had no indication that the connection was noticed, it started to bother me a little. ;p

Thanks for the advice Dapperdan. I will change the word "at" to "on." However, as you correctly guessed, I want to keep the word "safe" so that the connection between the two subjects is firmly maintained. I also don't think my lack of comma after the word "day" is incorrect. As for the parts that you feel were worded awkwardly... I sort of agree, but I have yet to think of better choices that fit the rhyming pattern and the physical pattern of the poem.

Post has been edited 1 time(s), last time on Nov 26 2008, 5:02 am by Doodan.



None.

Nov 26 2008, 9:04 pm Dapperdan Post #7



So you forget your day when you see the ant? I see. The way I read it before was like... you forgot your day, and then you saw the ant.



None.

Nov 26 2008, 10:17 pm Doodan Post #8



Yes, that was the intent. As soon as the narrator sees the ant he's going to kill, his mind moves away from whatever type of day he's had.



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