Poem of mine
Nov 22 2008, 11:49 am
By: Doodan  

Nov 22 2008, 11:49 am Doodan Post #1



"Tracks in the Snow"

I once nearly got a new pet,
Two picks stood out to me,
A cute little fluffy rabbit,
And one that was ugly,

The cute one looked like a picture,
With sunny, flowing fur,
Her brother more like a mixture,
Of all breeds in a blur,

The clerk's hand went within the cage,
To grab the pretty one,
"But no," said I, insisting then,
To hold the ugly one,

I then recalled my old best friend,
Who died so long ago,
She was sweet and shy 'til the end,
I'll always miss her so,

She did not stand out, but I saw,
Behind those shy brown eyes,
Her heart and soul left me in awe,
And she saw through my guise,

Charms will be found in skies of blue,
That I cannot deny,
But cold and gray cast a spell too,
Over the proper eye,

That pause, that sleep, that most may grieve,
But life can't live without,
That needed stop, a brief reprieve,
To gain the strength to sprout,

A painting wants to trick the eye,
And make you see its grace,
There's more than subjects, for they rely,
On the thankless blank space,

It seems I see what others ought,
Behind deceptive veils,
Alluring beings who at first will not,
Display their rich details,

I put the rabbit back that day,
Now is not the right time,
May you be someone's friend someday,
And may it be sublime,

And so I walk on snow serene,
While my lonely tracks impend,
Companion tracks that I've not seen,
Since losing my dear friend,

Feedback plz.



None.

Nov 23 2008, 2:11 am BiOAtK Post #2



I liked it.



None.

Nov 23 2008, 5:02 am Ultraviolet Post #3

Don't stop till you get enough

Me too. But, I'm not really a poet at all, so I'm not in a position to give good feedback. One question: Were the commas really necessary after every line?




Nov 23 2008, 6:16 am ClansAreForGays Post #4



Yeah, I thought only Shocko did that.




Nov 23 2008, 7:15 am Doodan Post #5



I suppose not. But I will make the appropriate changes. Chalk it up to me not knowing all that much about poetry. That's why I showed it to you guys. ;p

Other than punctuation, are there any areas you felt were particularly weak or strong? Or things you wish I'd spent more time with or less time with?



None.

Nov 23 2008, 4:39 pm BiOAtK Post #6



I like the fourth section, about the friend, in particular.



None.

Nov 23 2008, 10:10 pm Ultraviolet Post #7

Don't stop till you get enough

Personally, I preferred when you were talking about the ugly rabbit, than when you started getting away from that metaphor.




Nov 24 2008, 3:13 am Doodan Post #8



Metaphors ftw.

Thanks for the feedback, all! If you have any more, please share. (I sound like an English teacher...)



None.

Nov 26 2008, 3:35 am Dapperdan Post #9



I think I'll give you some more feedback after you're done the next draft... as you can see from the other poem you posted (which was much shorter) I'll probably have a lot to say. Might as well wait for a more refined version of the poem (at this point, anyway) to start saying it. I kind of let the time pass on this draft by continuing to put it off already anyway.

Good luck.



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[12:01 pm]
NudeRaider -- KrayZee
KrayZee shouted: Fast forwarding 24 years later, I just felt a little nostalgic about it. Instead you responded like an asshat
tbf you didn't say that you dig the nostalgia. The way you worded it, it sounded like a complaint or condescending. And in that case you deserved a sarcastic response. :P Anyways, sounds like a miscommunication so there's not really a point to get worked up about it.
[12:43 am]
jjf28 -- KrayZee
KrayZee shouted: Fast forwarding 24 years later, I just felt a little nostalgic about it. Instead you responded like an asshat
:peach: :hat:
[10:41 pm]
lil-Inferno -- memes brother
[10:30 pm]
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[2022-1-16. : 9:57 pm]
Slyence -- Dem0n
Dem0n shouted: wow it's almost like that's the point
I literally lold
[2022-1-16. : 9:14 pm]
Dem0n -- wow it's almost like that's the point
[2022-1-16. : 8:03 pm]
KrayZee -- Dem0n
Dem0n shouted: https://bounding.net/ is the best source for maps
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[2022-1-15. : 11:46 pm]
Slyence -- :(
[2022-1-15. : 11:46 pm]
Slyence -- string thumbsUp = " :thumbsup: ");
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