Staredit Network > Forums > Media, Art, and Literature > Topic: [Lyrics] Internal Peace/Eternal War
[Lyrics] Internal Peace/Eternal War
Jan 28 2014, 5:55 am
By: Sand Wraith  

Jan 28 2014, 5:55 am Sand Wraith Post #1

she/her

I always feel like my writing is weak and doesn't carry as much impact as I want. What am I missing though?

---

Font of the incessant power flow
Forth, come, the radiance glows
Thirst, mine, quenched in the source
This internal peace is sacred

Mute the white noise in my temple, my
Mind, cease, no ears shall sample
Sight, black, as will be yours
Should internal peace be shattered

Meditation in the spirit of blades
Solemn quiet bespeaks to me
The certain death veiled in dance
Stoke my eternal wrath

Steel licks the skin
Sends to blood: liberty.
Certain death amongst moments
Sate my eternal wrath

Font of the incessant power flow
Forth, come, the radiance glows
Thirst, mine, quenched in the source
This internal peace is sacred

Embedded in me is my truth
Strike me to cinders but -- fool!
Strike naught yet ignite my flame
Ignite eternal wrath




Jan 28 2014, 8:44 am Pr0nogo Post #2



The manner in which you write your lyrics tends to defy the typical speech patterns of English-speakers. I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing - it might just be a neutral observation - but it becomes challenging to enunciate the verses without making them sound awkward. When I write lyrics I attempt to sound them out both before and after they're finished being drafted. If you're able to do that well enough, then you should have all the impact you need.




Feb 2 2014, 8:20 am Sand Wraith Post #3

she/her

Is it the grammar or sentence structure I use or is it something like choice of words? Any chance you could point out some lines or something?

I normally (try to) do that too, but lately I felt the need to push to do things differently.




Feb 3 2014, 5:53 am Pr0nogo Post #4



Sometimes you use odd hyphens or other separators that make me pause when reading, even if the pause doesn't fit. Other than that, I think the only issue I had was struggling with your defiance of traditional speech patterns. It's uncharted territory for most people, so I applaud you for pushing out in a different area.




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