Rate my Essay
Post #1 UnholyUrine Mar 31 2012, 9:23 pm
Post #3 Lanthanide Apr 1 2012, 4:36 am
'Many' whom? This sentence is actually pretty redundant; I don't know of anyone that would say teachers aren't a role model.
Better would be: "These behaviours are best taught by example."
Why? Better to say "the teachers that can lead by example will often obtain better educational outcomes from their students", although this of course is just a blind assertion. I don't really like writing essays in exams because it sounds like a lot of bullshit.
Makes me wonder if you're using some definition of 'lead by example' that I haven't come across. I'm not sure how a teacher could 'express' the history of Ireland by 'example', for instance. I should think there would be very little 'material' that could be 'expressed by example' - you express behaviours and attitudes by example, not knowledge.
O)FaRTy1billion -- "Lanthanide -- surely you have photos of yourself dressed up as a girl, az?" I don't have pictures of me dressed up as a girl.
O)FaRTy1billion -- One time I was jumping on a trampoline (at that very friend's house xD) with water balloons in my shirt held up by a belt.
Azrael.Wrath -- ...
Holy shit our security's atrocious.
From what I understand, when you get into these types of tests they're looking for specific skills...you may want to look at these instead of asking SEN:
lil-Inferno -- Knock knock
Lanthanide -- who's there?
Azrael -- Banana.
jjf28 -- Banana. who?
Azrael -- Knock knock.
jjf28 -- that's not how it works.
SOMETHING STATUS GO
I realize that MCAT essays are held to a different standard than typical essays, but some of the fundamentals are still helpful. For example, you should start your essay with your definition of what you believe "True Leadership leads by example and not by command" means, as this will set up the rest of your essay. As it stands now, you just jump right into an example of leadership, but we're still not sure what you think the statement means. You can probably think about each of your paragraphs as addressing each line of the prompt. In your first paragraph, explain what you think the statement means. In the second paragraph, describe a specific situation in which true leaders lead by command rather than by example. In the third paragraph, discuss what you think determines when a leader should lead by example or by command. That should be the easiest way to go about it.
For the most part, my main advice is to elaborate on ideas and don't feel lik you have to stick to one example throughout the whole essay. That said, I'm going to try to focus on lines of this essay for basic corrections.
This isn't a very good sentence, and it seems forced. Keep it simple. "An educator has many responsibilities, but his or her methods of leading classes are often debateable". Also, use "or" instead of "/".
Don't start this sentence with "but". You just used "but" in the middle of the previous sentence.
Who is "you"? That seems like you're addressing the reader. Instead use "them" or "educators" or something. "On how to act" is also awkward. Maybe use "for guidance on how to act" instead.
Instead of "Many, if not all, of these things" just say "A majority of these things..." or what Lanth suggested. You can't start the next sentence with "Such as". "Such as" is a continuation of the prior sentence and needs to be treated as such. Frankly I'm not sure what the point of the sentence is, though. Where does the "embarrassment" come in? I don't really think you can do anything at the expense of embarassment. Maybe you're talking about humility, but then I have no idea what that has to do with reading Shakespeare. Structurally speaking, you could instead say, "An English teacher, for instance, might deliver an exaggerated Shakespearean monologue at the expense of his ego, simply to show an example of how and why the students can be interested in archaic language."
"His or her" agan. "Peoples'" not "people's". This sentence also feels like the start of an example, yet it ends a sentence. You're now mentioning ideals and opinions for the first time, but without any elaboration it comes out of nowhere. If this is supposed to relate to the point made in the prior sentence, I'm not seeing the correlation.
"His or her" again. This sentence is somewhat incomplete. Force them to do what? It seems like this sentence should actually be after your reason for why being pushed is necessary.
Don't use "one hundred percent" as that just sounds awkward. Use "completely" instead. Also gramatically "their subjects" is incorrect as "their" refers to "everyone" which is singular. But whatever.
"His or her" again. I'd remove "A lot of the time" and start with "Educators". It gets to the point and sounds direct. I'd also change "force" to "enforce" and "via" to "with".
This belongs in the paragraph about force. Now you have two paragraphs about the same thing. Also "Lessons such as responsibility" should probably be "A lesson like responsibility". "Lessons" makes me think you're going to mention more than one lesson, which you don't.
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