Frostbite
Jan 21 2012, 12:33 pm
By: ToA  

Jan 21 2012, 12:33 pm ToA Post #1

Que Sera, Sera.

It's almost a chill,
a body chill,
like a draft that bothers you,
but not enough to worry about.

A strong sense of confidence,
belief in yourself and endeavors yet to be,
words connect with ease,
thoughts flow with incredible accuracy,
any mistake is corrected in a short second
and it's existence is forgotten like a bad moment in your past.

Nervous energies,
focus, focus, focus,
project, projected,
understood,
and done.

It's a chill,
a sharp one,
now a stone,
worn out, in fear,
a fleeting feeling,
but it's not real.

It's a chill.




Jan 21 2012, 11:42 pm ClansAreForGays Post #2



Good. First time I've liked anything you've done.




Feb 17 2012, 3:30 pm Dapperdan Post #3



The fourth stanza/verse is by far the best.

The second stanza is wordy and lines 3-4 aren't that interesting. "In your past" is redundant.

Third stanza is my least favorite.

I would cut the second line of the first stanza.

I would get rid of the fifth stanza.

The more sparse and imagistic this poem is, the better it will work. Try cutting down on your adjectives.



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