>be faceless void >mfw I have no face
I've not done much poetry before so C&C welcome
When I was a kid
my nose was too large
and my lips too big.
And behind it all my mind was hardly
contained as I dreamed of infinity.
I thought about planets while others played marbles, when I played marbles I saw an atom and remembered infinity, because the world is BIG and the universe BIGGER and infinity encompasses all of that and God encompasses infinity and my mind could SEE all this, PERCEIVE IT the way I now perceive the difficulty in driving to work and falling asleep and running on time and checking emails and I REMEMBER but I can no longer attain that which I had
when my nose was too large
and my lips were too big.
Because the rest of me caught up.
This is me
I'm stuck like a postit I post it don't post that
I'm not like you
Because I am me an I and I sigh
Accept I
I'm not you and I won'tcan'tshan't be
Let me be I
And I'll let you be you be true to me
Don't leave I
Just because I and you is not equal
Doesn't mean we can't be we
Post has been edited 2 time(s), last time on May 16 2012, 7:03 am by Jack.
Red classic.
"In short, their absurdities are so extreme that it is painful even to quote them."
I like how you made your poem.
None.
I like how you made your poem.
Amazing that you found out how he made his poem. I only know what his poem is like.
None.
Yuck. So much false symbolism.
>be faceless void >mfw I have no face
Yuck. So much false symbolism.
Could you explain a bit better, please?
Red classic.
"In short, their absurdities are so extreme that it is painful even to quote them."
Yuck. So much false symbolism.
Could you explain a bit better, please?
He's just talking nonsense.
I think your poem is interesting. But I'm not really sure where you might go with it.
None.
>be faceless void >mfw I have no face
New poem:
This is me
I'm stuck like a postit I post it don't post that
I'm not like you
Because I am me an I and I sigh
Accept I
I'm not you and I won'tcan'tshan't be
Let me be I
And I'll let you be you be true to me
Don't leave I
Just because I and you is not equal
Doesn't mean we can't be we
Probably needs some polishing to make it flow a bit better.
Red classic.
"In short, their absurdities are so extreme that it is painful even to quote them."
I liked the first poem a lot, but I think it would be interesting if you experimented with its structure. Placing more line breaks and punctuation (I'm thinking colons, semi-colons, etc) throughout the piece would not only improve its comprehensibility, but also its ability to move the reader. Overuse of this technique can be painful, however, so be sure to be moderate in its use.
I didn't enjoy the second poem as much. The postit analogy lacked poignancy and left me feeling as if the poem's message was false. Again, as with the first poem, I think it would benefit from experimentation with different structures and formatting (In particular, I think more punctuation would aid in the poem's flow). I found this poem to be significantly more difficult to read than the first, so I'd venture to say that such experimentation is more a necessity than an artistic option in this case.
None.
