We can't explain the universe, just describe it; and we don't know whether our theories are true, we just know they're not wrong. >Harald Lesch
Got a quicky, not really a joke, but a hilarious come-on line: "Are you sure you're not a baker? 'Cause you've got a sodding nice set of buns."
Back* from the grave
I heard this story from a guy whose car broke down. It had broken down as he was driving during the night in the mountains in India. The nearest town was over 10 miles away, but there was a monastery, so he decided to ask if he could stay the night so he could walk to the town the next morning. Of course, the monks were very amiable, and allowed him to stay in a decently-kept room.
The man was tired, as the trek up the mountain to the monastery was no easy one, and it was well past nightfall. As he relaxed and started to fall asleep, he became aware of a dripping noise. He knows there's no plumbing in this monastery, and the night sky was perfectly clear when he was hiking, but yet the dripping didn't stop.
After an hour or so of laying in bed, this man decides to get up and figure out what the noise is. His curiosity led him to a seemingly abandoned corridor, with a single door at the end. As he approached the door, a monk stops him, and says, "you cannot go in there." Of course, the man says, "there is a dripping sound coming from behind that door, and it is disturbing my sleep. I would like to stop the leak, or fix whatever is causing the noise." The monk responds slowly, reverently, "that is no leak, and there is nothing to fix. I would show you, but our customs forbid outsiders to know what the source of that noise is."
Well, the man returns to his bed, where he curses the noise, but he respected the monastery's rights. The man slowly fell into a very disturbed sleep, haunted by the mystery source behind the door. He awoke the next morning and resolved to find out what that sound's source is. So after many years, he finally was allowed to know what the monastery had kept hidden from him when he was an outsider.
What is the source, you ask?
I don't know. I'm not a monk.
Sorta joke, but w/e. It took long enough to think of and make...
EDIT: Nude, I like yours, and there weren't any noticeable grammatical errors.
EDIT 2: I lost The Game.
Post has been edited 2 time(s), last time on May 19 2010, 4:09 pm by poison_us. Reason: True fact.
The man was tired, as the trek up the mountain to the monastery was no easy one, and it was well past nightfall. As he relaxed and started to fall asleep, he became aware of a dripping noise. He knows there's no plumbing in this monastery, and the night sky was perfectly clear when he was hiking, but yet the dripping didn't stop.
After an hour or so of laying in bed, this man decides to get up and figure out what the noise is. His curiosity led him to a seemingly abandoned corridor, with a single door at the end. As he approached the door, a monk stops him, and says, "you cannot go in there." Of course, the man says, "there is a dripping sound coming from behind that door, and it is disturbing my sleep. I would like to stop the leak, or fix whatever is causing the noise." The monk responds slowly, reverently, "that is no leak, and there is nothing to fix. I would show you, but our customs forbid outsiders to know what the source of that noise is."
Well, the man returns to his bed, where he curses the noise, but he respected the monastery's rights. The man slowly fell into a very disturbed sleep, haunted by the mystery source behind the door. He awoke the next morning and resolved to find out what that sound's source is. So after many years, he finally was allowed to know what the monastery had kept hidden from him when he was an outsider.
What is the source, you ask?
I don't know. I'm not a monk.
Sorta joke, but w/e. It took long enough to think of and make...
EDIT: Nude, I like yours, and there weren't any noticeable grammatical errors.
EDIT 2: I lost The Game.
Post has been edited 2 time(s), last time on May 19 2010, 4:09 pm by poison_us. Reason: True fact.
👻 👾 👽 💪
Quote from 
stickynote
stickynoteI've heard that joke before nude. Still funny though.
TinyMap2 - Latest in map compression! ( 7/09/14 - New build! )
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EUD Action Enabler - Lightweight EUD/EPD support! (ChaosLauncher/MPQDraft support!)
EUDDB - topic - Help out by adding your EUDs! Or Submit reference files in the References tab!
MapSketch - New image->map generator!
EUDTrig - topic - Quickly and easily convert offsets to EUDs! (extended players supported)
SC2 Map Texture Mask Importer/Exporter - Edit texture placement in an image editor!
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I order you to forgive yourself!
Those people that work at the radio always need to watch out for what they say;
"En Afghanistan ce matin, une femme s'est fait sauter dans son auto." (It's in french)(Made up by me)(Double meaning)
It's supposed to be funny if you can understand it.
"En Afghanistan ce matin, une femme s'est fait sauter dans son auto." (It's in french)(Made up by me)(Double meaning)
It's supposed to be funny if you can understand it.
@poison_us: Ah, I believe that type of joke is called a "shaggy dog story".
None.
Eh, I'd figure I would tell this anyway:
A snake is chasing a rabbit. After a long time, the rabbit comes across the frog. The snake and rabbit both stare at the frog. The frog says "I am a magical frog, I have 3 wishes I can grant each..". The rabbit got the first wish, which was "I wish I had a motorcycle.". The frog granted the wish and the rabbit was sitting on a motorcycle 5 seconds later. The snake got the second wish which was "I wish all the snakes in the world, except for me, were female.". The rabbit got the third wish which was "I wish I had a shiny new helmet!". The snake got his second wish, which was "I wish all the female snakes in the world were attracted to me!". Then, the snake decided to make a wish, cutting out rabbit's third wish which was "I wish I had a large penis!". The rabbit got the final wish, which was "I wish the snake was gaaaayyy!!". As he said gay, he drove off on his motorcycle.
A snake is chasing a rabbit. After a long time, the rabbit comes across the frog. The snake and rabbit both stare at the frog. The frog says "I am a magical frog, I have 3 wishes I can grant each..". The rabbit got the first wish, which was "I wish I had a motorcycle.". The frog granted the wish and the rabbit was sitting on a motorcycle 5 seconds later. The snake got the second wish which was "I wish all the snakes in the world, except for me, were female.". The rabbit got the third wish which was "I wish I had a shiny new helmet!". The snake got his second wish, which was "I wish all the female snakes in the world were attracted to me!". Then, the snake decided to make a wish, cutting out rabbit's third wish which was "I wish I had a large penis!". The rabbit got the final wish, which was "I wish the snake was gaaaayyy!!". As he said gay, he drove off on his motorcycle.
None.
Back* from the grave
Quote from Leeroy_Jenkins
Leeroy_JenkinsIt'll end today!
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time.
-Macbeth
So. "Today" has already ended. Yesterday.
None.
Quote from 
NudeRaider
NudeRaiderA nun sits in the bus when a hippie comes by and seats himself next to her.
The hippie asks: "Excuse me, would you like to hump with me?"
The nun: "Dear god, no, I can't do that I'm a servant of god!"
The hippie doesn't give up and tries again, but of course she still refuses. The next bus stop while the hippie gets off the bus the bus driver grabs him and whispers to him: "If you wanna shag her, then let me give you a word of advice: Every evening at 10pm she's at the cemetery and prays."
The hippie gives thanks to him and follows the bus driver's advice. At 10pm he comes to the cemetery wearing jesus garments and sees the nun praying. He steps up to her and exclaims: "I am Jesus and god commanded me to make love to you!"
The nun looks up in surprise and says: "If you are really Jesus and god has commanded you to do that, then by all means, but please from behind so I don't have to show my face."
After 5 minutes of wild banging the hippie pulls off his clothes and shouts: "I fooled you, I'm the hippie!"
Thereupon the nun pulls off her clothes and shouts: "I fooled you, I'm the bus driver!"
The hippie asks: "Excuse me, would you like to hump with me?"
The nun: "Dear god, no, I can't do that I'm a servant of god!"
The hippie doesn't give up and tries again, but of course she still refuses. The next bus stop while the hippie gets off the bus the bus driver grabs him and whispers to him: "If you wanna shag her, then let me give you a word of advice: Every evening at 10pm she's at the cemetery and prays."
The hippie gives thanks to him and follows the bus driver's advice. At 10pm he comes to the cemetery wearing jesus garments and sees the nun praying. He steps up to her and exclaims: "I am Jesus and god commanded me to make love to you!"
The nun looks up in surprise and says: "If you are really Jesus and god has commanded you to do that, then by all means, but please from behind so I don't have to show my face."
After 5 minutes of wild banging the hippie pulls off his clothes and shouts: "I fooled you, I'm the hippie!"
Thereupon the nun pulls off her clothes and shouts: "I fooled you, I'm the bus driver!"
Quote from DavidJCobb
DavidJCobbWhat did the kid with no arms or legs get for Christmas?
Cancer.
Yep. You might say that that joke... *puts on sunglasses* ...was pretty tumorous.
(YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!)
Cancer.
Yep. You might say that that joke... *puts on sunglasses* ...was pretty tumorous.
(YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!)
Winnarz!
None.
Back* from the grave
Honestly, I didn't think Nude's was funny. But that's just my wry humor.
Quote from poison_us
poison_usHonestly, I didn't think Nude's was funny. But that's just my wry humor.
It was better than the other ones
None.
>be faceless void >mfw I have no face
I thought Cobb's one was pretty lame, TBH. Whatever D:
Red classic.
"In short, their absurdities are so extreme that it is painful even to quote them."
"In short, their absurdities are so extreme that it is painful even to quote them."
We can't explain the universe, just describe it; and we don't know whether our theories are true, we just know they're not wrong. >Harald Lesch
I actually won... lol. I just entered for fun and because I thought the previous jokes were pretty lame (except Stallion's).I don't really need another key but I'll put it to good use.
Oh and thanks for the honor.
Why did you enter if you were ALREADY IN THE BETA? 
None.
We can't explain the universe, just describe it; and we don't know whether our theories are true, we just know they're not wrong. >Harald Lesch
Quote from OlimarandLouie
OlimarandLouieWhy did you enter if you were ALREADY IN THE BETA?
Quote from NudeRaider
NudeRaiderI just entered for fun
Quote from NudeRaider
NudeRaiderand because I thought the previous jokes were pretty lame (except Stallion's).
Quote from NudeRaider
NudeRaiderI'll put it to good use.
Quote from NudeRaider
NudeRaiderfor the honor.
I know Nude won, but should we continue with the jokes?
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did. Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.
"Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."
Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.
Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.
Letter 4
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.
Please! Thank you,
Bobby
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner", Bobby's mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Bobby began to write his letter to God.
Letter 5
God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND ME THE BIKE!!!!
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did. Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.
"Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."
Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.
Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.
Letter 4
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.
Please! Thank you,
Bobby
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner", Bobby's mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Bobby began to write his letter to God.
Letter 5
God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND ME THE BIKE!!!!
None.
Haha, that was pretty good. Would've won if you entered in time!
None.
What do you call a japanese boxer whose father has diarrhea?
A slap happy jappy with a crap happy pappy.
A slap happy jappy with a crap happy pappy.
None.
Wow... I should've entered this, I've been longing for a cd-key now for weeks, I'm stuck playing with cpus.
oh well.
To get a woman you need time and money. Therefore:
Women = Time x Money
Time is Money. Therefore:
Women = Money2
Money is the root of all problems. Therefor:
Women =(squareroot)Problems2
Solution:
Women = Problems
Here's another one
How much sperm does a gay have?
A BUTTLOAD
oh well.
To get a woman you need time and money. Therefore:
Women = Time x Money
Time is Money. Therefore:
Women = Money2
Money is the root of all problems. Therefor:
Women =
Solution:
Women = Problems
Here's another one
How much sperm does a gay have?
A BUTTLOAD
None.
Picturesque, replace women with prostitutes.
None.
[2024-4-20. : 11:29 pm]
Zoan -- Oh_ManOh_Man shouted: yeah i'm tryin to go through all the greatest hits and get the runs up on youtube so my senile ass can appreciate them more readily
You should do my Delirus map too; it's a little cocky to say but I still think it's actually just a good game lol[2024-4-20. : 8:20 pm]
Ultraviolet -- Goons were functioning like stalkers, I think a valk was made into a banshee, all sorts of cool shit[2024-4-20. : 8:20 pm]
Ultraviolet -- Oh wait, no I saw something else. It was more melee style, and guys were doing warpgate shit and morphing lings into banelings (Infested terran graphics)[2024-4-20. : 8:18 pm]
Ultraviolet -- Oh_ManOh_Man shouted: lol SC2 in SC1: https://youtu.be/pChWu_eRQZI
oh ya I saw that when Armo posted it on Discord, pretty crazy[2024-4-20. : 8:09 pm]
Vrael -- thats less than half of what I thought I'd need, better figure out how to open SCMDraft on windows 11[2024-4-20. : 8:08 pm]
Vrael -- Oh_ManOh_Man shouted: yeah i'm tryin to go through all the greatest hits and get the runs up on youtube so my senile ass can appreciate them more readily
so that gives me approximately 27 more years to finish tenebrous before you get to it?
Members Online: Ultraviolet
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