A vain attempt to keep the river with my hands
I don't like the word choice of 'keep'. The metaphor doesn't work with it as well. How do you 'keep' a river, exactly? It should be more like 'hold the river in my hands' or 'contain the rapids of a river with my hands' or something like that, methinks.
The rain washes her scent and heat away
I don't like the idea of rain 'washing heat away'. Hm. It is a good idea, perhaps, the idea of 'feeling the heat from in my arms where she was removed' or something like that. This idea of losing her heat that you still had on your body... but it doesn't work here for me. I think it should be something like "The rain washes her [adjective] scent away". I would just focus on one thing in this line.
Like water poured through my desperate fingers
I don't like the use of simile here. It would be a lot stronger as a metaphor here. (look for things like this in the future). Like this: "She is water poured through (my) desperate fingers." I put 'my' in parantheses because it may be a bit excess and unnecessary, and somewhat takes away from the poetic voice of the line.
She flows away, she flows away...
*thumbs up*
A drop of the finest wine runs from her mouth
This is a good idea. I'm not sure about the choice of 'runs' though. Perhaps it could be 'A drop of the finest wine drools from her mouth'. Or drips, or leaks, or something. Or streams. But 'runs' gives me an image of the liquid sliding from her mouth faster than i think works best. I would also recommend attaching an adjective to 'mouth', like 'dead', or 'dumb'.
The only thing the reaper had to offer her
In general, *thumbs up*. But I'd like to have you take note of using the word 'thing'. In general, I would really try to avoid it. It's very vague, ambigious, and almost always used lazily where a better, more specific word could be used, if thought were put to it.
No, fine gentlemen, listen closely to this girl’s grieving
And surrender the scalpels to the soothing melody
Her only affliction is a chest too slender
For the immeasurable treasure held inside
I liked this verse up to 'scalpels'. Then you lost me. I really don't follow. Small note that I'll still make: I would use 'a' instead of 'the' before 'soothing'.
I assure you, this is not a medical condition
I like this line.
The shade of her skin depicts more thoughts
Than the sight of her movements ever could
How can skin 'depict' a thought? This doesn't make sense. You're unforgivably misusing 'depict' here. I think you're looking for something more like 'provokes' or 'instigates' in terms of meaning. I also think it might be a solid idea to actually describe (or 'depict') what the shade of her skin is. Make it a strong image.
As for the second line, it's definitely weak. 'the sight of her movements' is really vague. Even 'Than watching her dance could ever manage' would be better, to me. There is just a lot of extra words without true meaning it. This whole section really has poor verb density, now that i think about it. Try to bring back better imagery with these ideas please.
Her heat quickly disappears
And she waves no goodbye
Heat doesn't 'dissapear' because no one can see it in the first place. You're looking for a word more like 'dissipates' here. That would be much much much better. I'm also unsure of the word choice of 'quickly'. I'd check some synonyms for it, and also consider whether or not the idea of the heat 'quickly' dissipating is really better than the idea of it 'gradually' (or some form there of) dissipating.
I think the second line could possibly be better worded, but I can't really complain. It would just be a matter of style.
If only her eyes would light up a few more seconds
I'm not sure about the word choice of 'light up'. I'd look up some synonyms such as 'illuminate' (which you obv use in the next line), and also consider going with 'open wide' or 'open up' instead of focusing on the light of them. I would also definitely say 'a few seconds more' instead of 'a few more seconds'. Maybe that's just me. It would also set up for some nice rhyme in the next line or two.
Illuminate the sad illusion my reality is
I'm not sure if this metaphor works. Or if I understand it. Would her eyes 'lighting up' really 'illuminate' your reality? I would also probably include the missing 'that' which you left out after 'illusion'.
Though, I must say, I really love 'illuminate the sad illusion'.
And so I will keep her forever, time is no longer a measure
I don't like the transition from the previous two lines at all (cause there isn't one). All you do is say 'and' and launch into this new idea. Also, 'time is no longer a measure' should probably be 'time will no longer be a measure'. But this 'time won't be a measure' idea is probably a bit cliche in the first place.
As long as I dream under the blanket of her memories
Solid concept. Once again though, probably a bit cliche as to the meaning of it. Other than that, I'd consider using 'canopy' instead of 'blanket' as a word choice.
And the rain tries to bury her under this street
But in her dreams and slumber, a rainbow is what she is under
I like this verse a lot. But 'a rainbow
is what she is under' is really awkward, and needs a change. I would consider saying 'But in her dreams and slumber, there's a rainbow (that) she is under'.
She had no need to become a star
I'm indifferent to this line. Though, notably indifferent. There are other lines throughout the work that i did not comment on, but i feel a need to here. This is the last verse, and I think it should be important to go for a stronger ending. Maybe someone else would think it was strong... but I don't. It's not that it's
bad, because it isn't. But you get the idea .
She was an angel in my eyes
HOLY CLICHE.
No need to die to become a saint
I don't follow this line at all. I guess you're saying "She didn't need to die to become a saint" - yet, even still, with the clearer language i have put this in, i'm not sure how it fits into the rest of it all.
It really lacks cohesion with the rest of the work. Which seems to be a consistent problem with your writing, if I am recalling correctly. The cohesion of it all, that is. I don't think it is intended. So when editing in the future (lack of cohesion in a first draft should probably be expected) I would really pay attention to that.
Ok, so, in general, this poem seems really hard for the reader to have any idea what in the world you are talking about. I suppose that's a negative (though it doesn't bother me as much as others). But, on the positive side, there is some real quality imagery and writing here, which is why it kept me interested enough to go through the trouble of editing it to such a great extent.
Post has been edited 8 time(s), last time on Jul 15 2009, 7:36 am by Dapperdan.
None.
